ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: So You Want To Be A Pathologist

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

So You Want To Be A Pathologist

As our non-clinical curriculum winds down, many in our class have begun seriously considering what kind of doctor they want to be. For example, today there was a lunch time talk I attended that was geared towards enlightening us about the surgical speciality. Now, if you know me at all and know my chances of ever going into surgery, this proves two things: One, I will listen to absolutely anything if I have the chance to whore myself for free food; and two, when it comes down to it, I might as well keep an open mind about the specialties until I experience them more next year and have a better sense of what I am (or am not) getting myself into.

This is all well and good, but just after this momentary lapse of judgement where I reconsidered surgery, I entered a pathology lab that was run by varios pathology residents, who intended to teach us about some basic heart pathology with all sorts of gross cut out hearts. Hmm...pathology. To be honest, unlike just about every specialty I can think of, it occurred to me that I had never really considered that specialty at all. After all, the pay is decent and the lifestyle is more than reasonable (since you're often dealing with things that are already dead, there really isn't any concept of "emergency" or "stat!" in pathology). However, after enduring this lab session, I am convinced that I do not fit in with the social or psychological profile necessary to become a pathologist. What do I mean? Well let me list for you some of the character traits I've observed that appear to be requirements for the pathology specialty, and maybe you can see where I'm going with this (and maybe, just maybe, I've helped bring out the little pathologist in you):

1. Expulsions: No, I don't mean getting kicked out of school. Nor am I referring to peeing, deuce dropping, or any variation of the two. I am talking about the stuff that comes out of your mouth when you talk. Now we all spit accidentally here and there, and some more than others. Hell, I admit to having fired out a few (un)intentional spit balls now and then. But it appears that if you wish to become a pathologist, you must be able and willing to spit copious amounts of fluid out of your mouth with every word uttered. Like a machine gunner, you must mow down your students, drench them in a salty mess of loogey. How do I know this? After finishing the talk at one pathologist's station today, I literally had wet spots all over my face, my left arm, and I could notice a few water spots on my shirt. And this was after continuously moving my stool farther and farther away from the spit source. It's just awful.

2. Personal Hygiene: Do you like not taking showers? Do you like wearing clothes that expose your special areas? Well then maybe pathology is for you. I bring this trait up because of what was left down on one hapless pathologist today. Namely, his pants. Yes, as he hunched over his tray of hearts with his disheveled face fixated on the pathology items, his butt crack was so visible to passers by that the laughter was booming across the entire room. I almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost. We all have moments of butt-crackage (especially the ladies, with those lovely tight-fitting clothes), but I cannot believe it was possible that this young man did not feel an especially strong breeze blowing past his overexposed crack, leaving his actual conscious desire to expose his asscrack as the only remaining reason for why it was so out there in the first place. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people?

3. Place of Birth: You must not, I repeat, NOT, have been born in the United States if you want to become a successful pathologist in the United States (not that there's anything wrong with that - hell, given the current status of the American political climate, you might consider yourself lucky to be from somewhere else). How do I know this? Just about every one of the residents has some obscure foreign accent. No, no, not the sophisticated British accent or the temptuous French accent, we're talking incomprehensible Chinese, painfully boring and nails-on-chalkboard sounding [insert obscure Eastern European former Soviet-bloc nation]-ese, or straight up Pers-aaaaan "ehhhhhh". While this makes for an excruciatingly difficult-to-follow listening experience, it does provide moments of purely original unintentional lost in translation comedy. For example, Persian Pathologist #1 was discussing restrictive heart disease and the fibrotic hearts, which led to this gem of a statement:

"Now, ehhh, this specimeeeen here is ehhh like ehhh dried semen."

Excuse me? Yes, this actually happened. It was only a moment later when I realized he was trying to say "cement". This observation had me wondering, where do all the American-born pathologists go? I have no idea, but I am comforted with the thought that my equally neurotic Chinese/Soviet-bloc/Persian medical student counterpart is writing up something nasty about American pathololgists with horrific accents as I write this...and good for him! (OK, her.)

4. People: As in, do you like being around them? Pathology is one of the very few specialities, if not the only speciality, that has absolutely, positively ZERO patient contact (you gotta figure that even the radiologist talks to one now and then, right?). Beyond that, everything they deal with, whether it is a stained slide or a fixed organ, is absolutely, positively, 100% Grade A dead. If you like the prospect of never having the stuff you deal with talk back to you, then pathology may be for you. If this prospective specialty actually turns you on, perhaps you should seek some counseling. However, if you are also a Jewish female, I can play dead.

5. Style of Speech: Do you know how to carry on a conversation? Are you familiar with normal social cues regarding speech pauses? If so, then pathology is definitely not for you! No seriously, it's like someone took all those kids who went to speech class in elementary school, trained them in the wonders of pathology, and set them loose on unsuspecting medical students. We're talking everything from "So...umm...[this goes on for about 45 seconds of pure and unadulterated silence]...you have this lesion over here" to "HeythisistheischemiasectionI'mreallyexcitedtobeteaching youthisSothefirstthingis-woahwhatwasthatnoise? It'slikeI'mhearingthevoicesinmyheadorsomething I'mreallygladyouallheardthisotherwiseIdon'tknowwhatI'd-" (to fully appreciate the latter example, which is an almost verbatim transcription of what one resident actually said today, read it again except this time go 20 times faster than you normally would. OK then read it 100 times faster than that. OK then just imagine it being faster, and that pretty much mimics what the speed of this one guy's speech).

Anyways, this is just the beginning, based on one 2-hour pathology lab I had this afternoon, and I am sure I am leaving out many other traits that might help you decide if pathology is for you. Me, though, I'm going to have to find something else. Why, you ask? Well, as shocking as it may sound, I actually like people. Well, some people. So I will continue to search for the speciality that is right for me, and I wish you future pathologists all the best. And maybe hope that the future will bring you some better fitting pants.

43 Comments:

Anonymous Kath Hurley (England) said...

Hi

Just had a good laugh over your pathology blog.

Do you actually get any work done, as you seem to spend quite a bit of time blogging.

Just wanted to tell you that your writing style is very witty and I appreciate being taken away from the boredom that is my job!!

(By the way I'm not a jewish female - I'm a catholic female)

3:09 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

Hahah I think I love you. I have all of those qualities, minus the profuse gleaking, etc. I am introverted and socially awkward though...sign me up! :)

ps-I'm so bookmarking this.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Leah said...

I found this because I googled "I want to be a Pathologist." How ironic. As a recent graduate in Medical Technology, I can tell you I have had plenty of experience with Pathologists. They were our teachers in the classroom and our trainers in the lab. I never personally had the privelege of witnessing any spitting or buttcracks. I do, however, agree with your statement that most of them are born outside the United States in some Arab country or India. We did have two or three good old fashioned American pathologists (they are in Ohio by the way, if you are trying to find them). None of them were hard to understand, unless you count the accent, which can be frustrating. But none of them spoke 90 miles per hour. I also wanted to point out your misconception about having 0 patient contact. When I was in the hospital, pathologists saw real live patients on a semi-regular basis, particularly in the case of leukemias or other bone marrow cancers, where they would most of the time perform the bone marrow biopsy. Since I was training as a MT, and spend all my time in the lab, I was surprised to learn we also have patient contact from time to time, because we have to be there to smear the bone marrow slides and get the biopsy.

I personally don't know if I want to be a Pathologist, but what I can say is interesting about that specialty is the vast range of things you have to know. Unlike being a surgeon or an ENT, as a pathologist you have to know everything about everything. And there is a sense of STAT and emergency when someone comes in bleeding out their eyeballs (literally) and you as a pathologist have to figure out their coagulation defect. And hopefully all your patients aren't dead (before and after you get done with them)!

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're full of shit. I'm a pathology resident and every one of my fellow residents and every one of my attendings (with the exception of some PhD researchers) is 1) USA trained 2) clean and stink-free 3) spittle-free.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Mia-Sara said...

I thought that was a really funny blog to be honest, despite the fact that I work in a Pathology lab. I don't fall under any of those catagories (partly because I'm only 16 lol) and nor does anyone I work with...luckily. lol. There are actually only 3 or 4 foreigners in the department where I'm mainly based.

I'm thinking you spent the 2 hours in the hisopathology department, what with the cut-ups etc. I work alot in biochemistry, but there are lots of other areas too.

I do love how you write though =D


Xx Mia-Sara xX

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post man! Being Persian, I must admit you pretty much nailed down the Persian accent except that you need to put an "eh" sound before any word starting with "s", i.e., ehsemen.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just had a great laugh over your blog. I actually googled "I want to be a pathologist" (I actually do want to be one) and found this blog. I am a fourth year med student finishing up my pathology rotation. I have not been exposed to any spitty, smelly (save the abscessed colonic resections) or buttcrack demonstrating pathologists. On the contrary, the one thing I noticed is that all the female pathologists (which made up 50% of the practice) are all very attractive petite women. I was starting to think that that was a requirement... Also every one was American born except one that was from India. Anyways, I never considered pathology during med school - it was very poorly taught and I admit to falling asleep on more than on occasion. But on my rotations I began to see what I do not like and what kind of things interest me. Of course lifestyle has a lot to do with it since I want to be able to balance having a family one day with my work schedule. I have found pathologists to be very intelligent, well rounded people. None of the ones I have met are awkward and in fact one of the things that I found striking was that each one of them really cares about the patient. For instance I had one pathologist stress over one particular cell on one particular slide because he knew that whatever his diagnosis was would determine the path of treatment and ultimate fate of the patient's health. Thats also when I realized that pathology is the foundation of all medicine - without pathology we would have no definitive diagnosises. That is a scary thought.

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I think you might have just had a bad experience. Most pathologists are extremely nice, attractive and well groomed. You're always going to come across a sloppy, disorganized, rude, smelly person once in a while. No matter what profession it is. Thankfully there are not a lot of people like that out there but man do they get around or what. (That's partly why I'd rather deal with the dead) If someone was spitting on me that profusely I would definitely bring it to their attention. I don't care who it is, that's just gross and inconsiderate.

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