ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Tales From The Crypt II: Bat Out of Hell

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Tales From The Crypt II: Bat Out of Hell

First year anatomy was many things. Painful. Long. Filled with a stench worse than death. Riddled with awkwardness, difficulty, and confusion. Did I mention the thing about the smell? But anatomy lab was never complete without the helpful guidance of our instructors, who consistently went the extra mile to make us realize how little we actually knew. Granted, most of them were nice about it, but it still didn't help with the self-esteem (seriously folks, years-worth of psychoses are being poured into this website). However, right about when our school was uncovering a massive body-snatching and body-selling scandal that would serve as an international embarassment, they decided that the anatomy department needed an image change.

To help with that change, they hired a new instructor to teach us for the second half of the year and to reshape the attitude of the department. Whom did the administrators choose? A gangly-looking young white guy with brown hair down to his hips, a slightly pudgy white face and a slightly protruding abdomen. He quickly became known for walking around campus in tight rocker pants (often laden with dragon-shaped images down the legs) and old 70's shirts he possibly stole from the homeless guys that hang around the school. Sound familiar? In a word, he was...no, he is...Meat Loaf*. To this day I have no idea what his real name is - I just started calling him Meat Loaf and it stuck.

Meat Loaf quickly engrained himself into the medical student community by shamelessly hitting on every single female medical student that graced the anatomy lab, and also by telling us stories about his stripper girlfriends. No joke. However, this alone would not have made him stand out in the crowd of awkward anatomy instructors. One day we learned that this Meatloaf, unlike the actual rocker with whom he bears such a striking resemblence, would do anything for love...AND that.

What's that? Let me explain.

One day in lab I was following my usual routine of pretending like I was doing something while waiting to snag one of the good anatomy instructors to our table so he/she could tell us what we needed to know. I had my scalpel in hand, poking around at stuff, just killing time and making jokes with my lab partners (as an aside, our lab group was so cool that other people started bailing on their more hardcore groups, riddled with future surgeons/gunners, to join our table, otherwise known as Future Family Medicine Doctors of America). This when on for a little while, until I got an urgent tap on the shoulder from one of my friends.

"Holy shit, turn around!"

I turned around and focused on one of the tables behind me, only to find Meat Loaf, scalpel in hand and firmly positioned on one side of that table, slowly raising his left leg up onto the table, over the cadaver's two legs, and then thrusting his entire body literally on top of the naked female cadaver, which I should add by this point was completely cut open, intestines, stomach, liver, lungs, and heart all out there in a pile of organs for everyone to see.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Meat Loaf had officially mounted a cadaver.

Somewhere in God's list of rules, perhaps nestled between "Do not kill" and "If other options exist, do not choose the urinal next to a currently occupied urinal", there has to be something that says "Under no circumstances do you ever, EVER, get on top of a dead body in any way that even faintly resembles a sexual act."

By this point, the entire room, 40 medical students plus 5 instructors, had all stopped what we were doing and were staring in sheer horror. Every mouth was gaped wide open. What the hell was this guy doing? Did he not get the memo that the last thing our school needed was another scandal involving cadavers, only this time instead of stealing parts of their bodies, it'd be about stealing their post-mortem virginity? To make things worse, he actually made a few thrusting movements, further positioning himself on top of her.

It turns out that he was actually just trying to make a learning point about something on the other side of the cadaver, but instead of doing what any normal person would do and walk around the table, he decided to lunge himself over it. The moral of this story? Don't do that.


*If you would like to learn more about the real Meat Loaf, I highly recommend the VH1 film about his life, with Meat Loaf brilliantly portrayed by the guy that played the retarded brother from There's Something About Mary.

38 Comments:

Anonymous Kim, Still your adoring fan said...

I'd like to correct you and say that Meatloaf, while a cadaver-rapist, does have feelings. I mean the poor man's WIFE (not girlfriends) was a stripper, and she left his ass, without notice, in the middle of the night. So there you are, your name's Meatloaf, you're wearing a pair of purple jeans that clearly used to belong to a 15 year old girl in 1986, you have hair that resembles a mane, and your skanky stripper ho wife disappears on you and then serves you with divorce papers. I think you should cut the guy a break :). Well after you cut his hair.

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