ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: How To Become My Friend

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

How To Become My Friend

I bet I know what you're thinking right now. No, not "Two posts in one evening, he's gone mad!" Not "How come all the doctors on 'Grey's Anatomy' are having sex with each other and the Fake Doctor can't get a second date?". I bet you're thinking "Damn, this guy is so cool, I wonder how I can be his friend."

With the stunning popularity (cough) of this website, I am getting an inordinate amount of (imaginary) fan mail from random people with requests to become their friend. Igorning the arguably more important question of "Why would I want to become your friend?", I thought I'd provide the transcript of a conversation I had today to show how you, the common man (or, preferably, woman), can become my friend.

I was sitting outside at a Starbucks today, enjoying my manly-man caramel frappuccino (Whipped cream? Yes sir!) and trying to read through my Board Review Series Pathology book. In other words, I was staring at every living person who walked by, more at some (ladies!) than others (homeless dudes). After returning from an all-to-frequent trip to the restroom, I went to my table and sat down, when I was approached by a 30-something darker skinned female, hereafter referred to as my new best friend forever (NBFF), who was sitting at the next table over:

NBFF: Excuse me, but are you studying science? I noticed your pathology book.
Me: Oh...no...actually...[waiiiiiiit for it]...I'm in medical school.
NBFF: Oh! Very nice! Hey I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you look like that guy on that TV show...what's his name?
Me: Umm...do you mean Chandler?
NBFF: Yes! Actually, I noticed you when you sat down before. You're really handsome. You must get that a lot.
Me: Hah, well every once in a while someone thinks I look like him. [Editors note: Actually, I get that all the fucking time. And yes, I am my own editor.]
NBFF: Wow, so you're in medical school. Let me ask you something - you must have every girl there running after you right?
Me: Hah, well thanks...but no...at least not that I can tell. I'm having a hard time finding a nice girl.
NBFF: I don't believe you.
Me: Believe me, I wish I was lying.
NBFF: Oh...
Me: Actually, I think part of the problem is I'm looking for a nice, pretty Jewish girl, which is a pretty small group of people to be limiting yourself to.
NBFF: Hmm...honestly I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to find some - I converted to Judaism before I married my husband, and in my conversion classes I really got the impression that Jewish people are all really beautiful, attractive people.
Me: [Uncomfortably silent.]
NBFF: Wow - look honey, I'm 30, married, and I just popped out a kid, but let me tell you I think you're incredibly handsome and if I weren't married...And you're in medical school! Wow! Well good luck with everything!

I shit you not, this actually happened. See, it's really that simple. All you have to do is remind me of how incredibly and ridiculously good-looking and amazing I am, and I'll be the best friend you've ever had. And...[waiiiiiit for it]...if you are nice Jewish girl, I would just like to remind you that we can be more than friends. And finally, yes, it is reassuring to know that while I am not playing well with the ladies in my age bracket, at least I'm bigger than Jesus (and Brad Pitt) when it comes to the 30-80 year old demographic.


Anonymous Jessica said...

I just found your blog tonight and started reading it. It has been cracking me up!! I just had to tell you that I love your sense of humor. :)

5:34 PM  
Blogger sunkist_5000 said...

Oh fake Dr. I want you! Will you have me if I convert?

7:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you kidding? That woman was totally hitting on you. She would have brought experience to the sack (possibly the best sex you'll ever have), and a relationship void of the usual demands monotonous(perfect for a med student with no free time.) You totally should have gone for it. Plus, you would be preforming a public service by preforming a free mammogram / gyn exam. Finally, it is a well documented fact that sex reduces stress, thereby promoting a longer, healthier life. You owe it to us readers to take care of yourself Fake Doc (and the woman).

Love the bolg ,

12:14 AM  
Anonymous zhou said...

haha me too

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am a nice Jewish girl and i don't think i have ever heard of a nice Jewish boy wanting a nice Jewish girl. usually we get left in the dust for some shiksa. anyway props to you for wanting to keep it in the tribe!

9:45 AM  
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8:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

err..chinese?hehe gud luck with that (speechless)

agreed with J.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Titus said...

This won't work in reality, that is what I suppose.
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