How To Become My Friend
With the stunning popularity (cough) of this website, I am getting an inordinate amount of (imaginary) fan mail from random people with requests to become their friend. Igorning the arguably more important question of "Why would I want to become your friend?", I thought I'd provide the transcript of a conversation I had today to show how you, the common man (or, preferably, woman), can become my friend.
I was sitting outside at a Starbucks today, enjoying my manly-man caramel frappuccino (Whipped cream? Yes sir!) and trying to read through my Board Review Series Pathology book. In other words, I was staring at every living person who walked by, more at some (ladies!) than others (homeless dudes). After returning from an all-to-frequent trip to the restroom, I went to my table and sat down, when I was approached by a 30-something darker skinned female, hereafter referred to as my new best friend forever (NBFF), who was sitting at the next table over:
NBFF: Excuse me, but are you studying science? I noticed your pathology book.
Me: Oh...no...actually...[waiiiiiiit for it]...I'm in medical school.
NBFF: Oh! Very nice! Hey I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you look like that guy on that TV show...what's his name?
Me: Umm...do you mean Chandler?
NBFF: Yes! Actually, I noticed you when you sat down before. You're really handsome. You must get that a lot.
Me: Hah, well every once in a while someone thinks I look like him. [Editors note: Actually, I get that all the fucking time. And yes, I am my own editor.]
NBFF: Wow, so you're in medical school. Let me ask you something - you must have every girl there running after you right?
Me: Hah, well thanks...but no...at least not that I can tell. I'm having a hard time finding a nice girl.
NBFF: I don't believe you.
Me: Believe me, I wish I was lying.
Me: Actually, I think part of the problem is I'm looking for a nice, pretty Jewish girl, which is a pretty small group of people to be limiting yourself to.
NBFF: Hmm...honestly I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to find some - I converted to Judaism before I married my husband, and in my conversion classes I really got the impression that Jewish people are all really beautiful, attractive people.
Me: [Uncomfortably silent.]
NBFF: Wow - look honey, I'm 30, married, and I just popped out a kid, but let me tell you I think you're incredibly handsome and if I weren't married...And you're in medical school! Wow! Well good luck with everything!
I shit you not, this actually happened. See, it's really that simple. All you have to do is remind me of how incredibly and ridiculously good-looking and amazing I am, and I'll be the best friend you've ever had. And...[waiiiiiit for it]...if you are nice Jewish girl, I would just like to remind you that we can be more than friends. And finally, yes, it is reassuring to know that while I am not playing well with the ladies in my age bracket, at least I'm bigger than Jesus (and Brad Pitt) when it comes to the 30-80 year old demographic.