ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Tales From The...Ah Fuck It

Friday, May 20, 2005

Tales From The...Ah Fuck It

Something very interesting is happening to me. I have more stories to tell. I want to tell them. I think they will be at least mildly entertaining. Except...well...I'm so wiped out with all this USMLE boards studying that, for the past two weeks, I literally have not had the energy to write anything. Apparently, I was supposed to "learn" stuff and "understand" concepts about medicine over the past 1.5 years, but instead I was treated to a nice dose of new curriculum and I was too lazy/ignorant to take this board prep into my own hands until...oh...two weeks ago. This has resulted in me trying to memorize hordes of things that have no meaning to me whatsoever, and it has generally driven me down a path of insanity.

To give you an idea why, let me map out a typical day taken from what I have been experiencing the last few weeks. I realize this is going to sound like me whining, and I know things could be a lot worse, but man...I'm just wiped out:

6:00 AM - Alarm goes off.
6:42 AM - I finally wake up.
7:30 AM - Finish my Jewish stuff (He's tall. He puts on tefillin the morning. He's a dashingly handsome future doctor. Seriously, ladies, what's not to like here?).
9:00 AM - Finish 100 practice Kaplan Qbank questions.
9:03 AM - Stop crying after seeing my continuously pitiful score.
9:07 AM - Start crying again.
9:30 AM - Shower, eat breakfast, and make a quick survey of what is going on in the outside world.
2:00 PM - Finish reviewing the 100 questions (yes, it actually takes me that long).
2:05 PM - Head to Starbucks, hoping to not only do as much reading as possible, but also prove correct my theory that if I spend enough time there and make it painfully obvious how pathetically available and lonely I am, some nice, hot Jewish girl is going to snatch me up. As you can no doubt imagine, this theory has worked out spectacularly so far.
2:45 PM - Stop the 15 minutes of non-stop staring at a ridiculously hot girl sitting nearby, only after she looked at me funny and made a suspicious phone call that involved pressing only three buttons. Somehow I'm still single. Really it's a mystery to me.
3:30 PM - Correctly predict the next five songs that are going to come up on the Starbucks CD rotation. I can actually do this and be right 95% of the time. Kill me now.
4:22 PM - Contemplate suicide.
4:23 PM - Gawk at supermodel that just entered Starbucks. Reconsider suicidal ideations.
4:48 PM - Realize that I've read the same sentence 18 times.
5:01 PM - Stare at a new batch of cute college girls that have entered.
5:02 PM - Watch the entire group of supposed college girls sit as far away from me as possible. Notice each of them pulling out AP Biology textbooks. Re-reconsider suicide.
7:04 PM - Holy shit, I've been here for five hours.
8:08 PM - Start trying to come up with the most perveted ways to remember anything, just to keep myself awake.
9:00 PM - I've been sitting in the same spot for 7 hours. I have seen workers start their Starbucks shift, leave for a few hours, then come back to do another shift. I can't even speak in coherent sentences anymore.
9:01 PM - Head home.
9:04 PM - Get lost on the way home after having lost all sense of who I am, where I am going, and what I am doing with my life.
9:06 PM - Find myself in front of Baja Fresh. Trace path home from there.
10:00 PM - Sit at my desk, tired, alone, and mildly deranged. Consider writing up next planned blog entry, "Tales From The Crypt V: The All-Purpose Tool". Realize I am too tired and go to sleep. Set my alarm for 6:00 AM.

You think I'm joking, but this is literally what I have been doing every day for the past few weeks. If you don't believe me, come to the Starbucks near me (and if you know me at all you know where to go), and I can almost guarantee that I will be there. I am becoming addicted to the smell of coffee. All of my clothes reek of it. I'm losing my mind.

Check please.


Blogger GO NINJA! said...

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9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain...with two weeks left of boards studying left to go i want to cut my heart out with a spoon

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

right there with you. cramming = cool

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm studying for Boards right now. Kaplan Qbank is pissing me off with the number of wrong answers (like saying Flecainide doesn't prolong QT) and toying with assumptions. So like the mature 2nd year I am, I googled "fuck qbank". Your post was the first hit.

Anyways, you're 3 years out from Step1, probably just starting residency. Good luck, and thanks for the random space to vent.

Oh yeah, and FUCK YOU QBANK!

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

reading all of that honestly makes me want to go to med school. I'm a sick twisted person like that. thkx for the humor

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha. Starbucks is a weird place. Have the baristas started making fun of you yet?

2:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a fucking idiot. You're the reason the U.S. medical system is failing.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Dear last anonymous (the one who called the blogger a **** idiot): you clearly have no ties to medicine. If you had any idea what boards studying entails, you would laugh out loud at his blog entry (like I did). Instead you thought it sounded ridiculous, but in all honesty somebody should hit you over the head with a bat. Right in the eye. You suck.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous nitu singh said...

lol thank you for sharing your story at least im not the only one out there who feel like this.... this exam takes of your life mind body and soul there is no way out until its done with.. it drives you crazy gives you anxiety attacks messes with your self confidence and self worth its a bunch a bullshit.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Buy Tamiflu said...

Very difficult time for you!

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

not jewish, but like jewish girls. I was on the kosher korner at my undergrad univ because the food was better. There I had a crush on a orthodox jewish girl- sarah. Soon I realized that as a gentile I had no chances. She recently got married to another nice jewish guy. They did not hold hands when together during pre-nuptial times. will jewish chicks ever like non-jewish guys?

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be such a wuss, and don't let your balls so carelessly be placed in a vice grip. Suck it up Champ, challenges prove character, bitches are exactly that!

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So yeah...5 years after you post this and now its my turn to go through the living hell known as boards studying. Its 1 in the morning and I don't want to go to sleep because when I wake up I have to stare at anti-arrhythmial drugs, then do UWorld questions which will crush my soul with a sense of utter inadequacy, and contemplate yet again dropping out of medical school to save what little shred of happiness I have left in my life. Then I remember that I'm in an insane amount of debt which I could never service otherwise and my parents will die of shame and disappointment if I don't finish getting the M.D. God I hate my life...I knew I should have done engineering like my other dork friends.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I hear you. Pity you chose medical school. After all that suffering, you can do the same thing NPs can do. Sucks.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol thank you for sharing your story at least im not the only one out there who feel like this. this is and porno.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous انفجن said...

ha ha ha this is very funny

9:44 AM  
Blogger bolo said...

it gets even more fun with step 3, once you have to do 30H calls in between your pathetic "study sessions"...FML!

3:49 PM  
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Anonymous needsleep said...

Maaan, I so understand you. Im in medical university and the last 2 weeks before the session just hurrasen me, and i dont want to go offline because i know i have to study >.<

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1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To give you an idea why, let me map out a typical day taken from what I have been experiencing the last few weeks. I realize this premature ejaculation is going to sound like me whining, and I know things could be a lot worse, but man...I'm just wiped out:

11:54 AM  
Anonymous girl said...

this is so hilarious im sitting in teh library trying to read robbins when i take a break and come here and now i cant stop giggling. i know this was all run on sentences, I think i may have add too haha

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