Tales From The...Ah Fuck It
To give you an idea why, let me map out a typical day taken from what I have been experiencing the last few weeks. I realize this is going to sound like me whining, and I know things could be a lot worse, but man...I'm just wiped out:
6:00 AM - Alarm goes off.
6:42 AM - I finally wake up.
7:30 AM - Finish my Jewish stuff (He's tall. He puts on tefillin the morning. He's a dashingly handsome future doctor. Seriously, ladies, what's not to like here?).
9:00 AM - Finish 100 practice Kaplan Qbank questions.
9:03 AM - Stop crying after seeing my continuously pitiful score.
9:07 AM - Start crying again.
9:30 AM - Shower, eat breakfast, and make a quick survey of what is going on in the outside world.
2:00 PM - Finish reviewing the 100 questions (yes, it actually takes me that long).
2:05 PM - Head to Starbucks, hoping to not only do as much reading as possible, but also prove correct my theory that if I spend enough time there and make it painfully obvious how pathetically available and lonely I am, some nice, hot Jewish girl is going to snatch me up. As you can no doubt imagine, this theory has worked out spectacularly so far.
2:45 PM - Stop the 15 minutes of non-stop staring at a ridiculously hot girl sitting nearby, only after she looked at me funny and made a suspicious phone call that involved pressing only three buttons. Somehow I'm still single. Really it's a mystery to me.
3:30 PM - Correctly predict the next five songs that are going to come up on the Starbucks CD rotation. I can actually do this and be right 95% of the time. Kill me now.
4:22 PM - Contemplate suicide.
4:23 PM - Gawk at supermodel that just entered Starbucks. Reconsider suicidal ideations.
4:48 PM - Realize that I've read the same sentence 18 times.
5:01 PM - Stare at a new batch of cute college girls that have entered.
5:02 PM - Watch the entire group of supposed college girls sit as far away from me as possible. Notice each of them pulling out AP Biology textbooks. Re-reconsider suicide.
7:04 PM - Holy shit, I've been here for five hours.
8:08 PM - Start trying to come up with the most perveted ways to remember anything, just to keep myself awake.
9:00 PM - I've been sitting in the same spot for 7 hours. I have seen workers start their Starbucks shift, leave for a few hours, then come back to do another shift. I can't even speak in coherent sentences anymore.
9:01 PM - Head home.
9:04 PM - Get lost on the way home after having lost all sense of who I am, where I am going, and what I am doing with my life.
9:06 PM - Find myself in front of Baja Fresh. Trace path home from there.
10:00 PM - Sit at my desk, tired, alone, and mildly deranged. Consider writing up next planned blog entry, "Tales From The Crypt V: The All-Purpose Tool". Realize I am too tired and go to sleep. Set my alarm for 6:00 AM.
You think I'm joking, but this is literally what I have been doing every day for the past few weeks. If you don't believe me, come to the Starbucks near me (and if you know me at all you know where to go), and I can almost guarantee that I will be there. I am becoming addicted to the smell of coffee. All of my clothes reek of it. I'm losing my mind.