USMLE Step 1: The Tale of the Tape
Number of days spent studying: 46
Approximate number of hours per day: 9
Approximate percentage of those hours staring at the amazingly hot women that freqent the Starbucks I studied at: 23%
Percentage of time they stared back: 0.7%
Percentage of time the homeless regulars would stare at me: 3%
Weeks I pushed my test back out of a sheer and utter fear of not knowing anything: 1
Times I said "Kill me now" to myself or someone I know: 322
Times I sung the phrase "Kill me now" to myself, to the tune of some atrocious 80s song (the name of which escapes me at the moment - it has this whiny voice singing "Hooooooold me now..."): 52
Days spent studying at Starbucks: 34
Days I got so confused and tired after studying at Starbucks for so long that I had trouble finding my way home: 3
Times I overheard someone at Starbucks pointing at me, laughing, and saying something about "...that medical student is here all the time..." to her friends: 1
Days spent at Starbucks with my "Medicine" sweatshirt on: 27
Days I hoped some hot undergrad female would notice me with my medical school paraphenalia and hit on me: 27
Days that actually happened: 0
Times I read First Aid for the USMLE Step 1, cover to cover: 3
Times I read BRS Pathology, cover to cover: 2
Total number of medical books I made reference to during the course of my studying: 22
Total number of bags under my eyes by test day: 4
Total number of practice questions completed and reviewed: 3,865
Overall percent correct on Kaplan Qbank (out of 2,115 questions): 69% (which actually isn't that bad)
Times I thought to myself, "well at least something in my life is revolving around the number '69' ": 2
Practice questions that began with something like "21 year old sexually active female, who has had multiple partners over the past six months, presents with...": ~50
Times I caught myself "daydreaming" about these fictional sexually active females: 3
Times I felt ashamed of myself for these daydreams: 2
Leaks in my apartment building that required someone to punch a 2-foot-wide hole in the ceiling of my bedroom: 2
Days there was a gaping hole in the ceiling of my bedroom: 5
Days I had to sleep on the floor in the den because of a carpet dryer blowing 24/7 in my bedroom: 2
Dreams I had about kidnapping my manager's tiny dog and torturing it until she got my ceiling patched up: 1
Dreams/Nightmares I had about various aspects of medicine and this exam: 5
Dreams I had about Natalie Portman: 46 (no day would be complete otherwise)
Number of minutes I left my apartment over the final five days preceeding the exam: 75
Total hours of this exam: 8 (including one hour of break)
Blocks in this exam: 7 (one hour each)
Questions per block: 50
Times the worker at Prometric (the company that coordinates the computerized exam) said "Looking at you makes me sad"to me on my test day: 1
Times I read an article in MensHealth.com about the “squeeze technique” and premature ejaculation (umm…just out of curiosity) in the months prior to this exam: 1
Questions I had on my exam (each exam is a randomly generated series of questions out of a pool of thousands, such that each person takes a different test) that made a specific reference to the "squeeze technique" and premature ejaculation: 1
I can honestly say that I have never even come close to working this hard over this long a period in my entire life. The odd thing is that the nature of this test is such that I have no idea if all that worked paid off. Still, it's pretty impressive if you ask me. But I guess you didn't. Anyways, that's not all. Through the course of studying, I came across some pretty random pieces of information that I thought I'd record here so you could impress your friends at the next cocktail party:
- The nerve responsible for all of the sensation in the anal, penile, and vaginal region (the pudendal nerve) runs through something conveniently called Alcock's canal.
- Excessive glue sniffing can lead to a potentially fatal non-gap metabolic acidosis.
- A direct quote from my BRS Pathology textbook: "The degree of mental retardation appears to increase with the number of additional X chromosomes."
- The origin of the phrase "going cold turkey" originated from experiences people had after sudden withdrawal from opiods (i.e. morphine), which lead to a massive case of the goosebumps that some observer thought resembled a cold turkey. Needless to say, the observer that came up with this probably got the shit kicked out of him by the people craving the drugs, likely leading to the origin of the phrase "let's kick the shit out of that guy".
- Fornication = good. Formication (the feeling of bugs crawling over your body while in alcohol or cocaine withdrawal) = bad.
- Telephone scatologia = making telephone calls to unsuspecting women and engaging them in conversations of a sexual nature.
- Frotteurism = rubbing the penis against a clothed woman who is nonconsenting and not aware.
- The rooting reflex is a reflex of newborns such that when you brush against a baby's cheek, he or she should turn to the stimulus in a "nipple seeking" fashion. Apparently this goes away in one year, but somehow I feel like a lot of guys (and some ladies) never got that memo.
So there you have it. With the conclusion of this exam came the conclusion of my life as a lecture-going student. Beginning in about two weeks, I will be on the wards, being a fake doctor 24/7 and actually being partially responsible for real patients. Excited? Yep. Scared shitless? Absolutely. Looking forward to a multitude of experiences to laugh about, mock, and record in the pages of this blog? As if there was any doubt.