ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Mind, Body, Anus: A Probing of Rectal Philosophy

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mind, Body, Anus: A Probing of Rectal Philosophy

When you think of grand explorations in human thought that test the boundaries of our cognitive limits as a species, you might imagine things like Newton sitting by the apple tree and gaining the insight to describe gravity, or Einstein thinking furiously about stars travelling through space while scribbling down equations.. Perhaps you conjure up images of Aristotle or Socrates expounding on core philosophical theories in Ancient Greece, or the nameless NASA rocket scientists working tirelessly to guide the space shuttle to the moon.

Given these classic and idealized settings, it came as no surprise to me that my grand insight into one of the worlds classic philosophical problems came while I was shoving my finger up an elderly man's asshole.

(You may be familiar with the Mind-Body problem, as described and philosophized heavily by Descartes. Briefly*, this philosophical area explores whether there is a separation between our conscious mind and the body that it is associated with. Descartes held that there was a separation between Mind and Body, whereas much of the subsequent philosophical arguments attempted [rather successfuly, as far as I can recall] to demonstrate that Descartes' arguments were a bunch of poo, pun intended. But anyways, if you are actually curious, read more here.)

This being my second rectal exam of the afternoon of my first full day on the wards as a third year medical student, the novelty of it all had worn off (rather quickly I might add) and I was getting tired of coming into such close contact with wet and juicy excrement. I carefully rubbed the KY jelly over the glove area covering my pointer finger and quickly inserted said finger into an elderly gentleman's asshole. The warmth of his rectum heated my finger, easily the most disgusting part of the exam for me, while the brown stains started spreading over my latex glove. Then, suddenly, I had a quick succession of thoughts, which shall henceforth be known as the Rectal Corollary to the Mind-Body Problem:

1. This is fucking disgusting.
2. My finger is warm and surrounded by shit.
3. If only I could cut off my finger, I would no longer feel this sensation of shit.
4. I cannot cut off my finger because I am a pussy.
5. If only I could figure out a way for this finger to no longer be a part of me, I would no longer feel this sensation of shit.
6. If only I could convince myself that the finger inside that man's asshole was not mine, but someone else's, I would no longer feel this sensation of shit.
7. If only I could convince myself that the finger, and all the sensations being brought to me courtesy of it's placement, was all in fact a delusion of the Mind and that the finger was not actually represented in my Mind even if it was a part of my Body, then I would no longer feel this sensation of shit.
8. When placed in a truly horrible situation, I could will myself to believe anything if doing so would get me out of the horrible sensation.
9. A rectal exam is that horrible.
10. If only I could will myself to believe that my finger was not actually a part of me, my essence, my Mind, then I would no longer feel this sensation of shit.
11. Given that I am in a situation that horrible, I can will myself to believe that my finger is no longer a part of me, and therefore I no longer feel this sensation of shit.

With this simple progression of thought, I managed to separate my Mind, which believed itself to be in such a horrible situation it was ready to accept any form of delusion to extricate itself from said situation, from my Body, part of which was currently driving up the Hershey Highway without a map. And with that, everything fell into place, the prostate was felt, the finger was pulled out, and my Mind was off somewhere else, daydreaming about Natalie Portman and trying to figure out just how awful my Penis to Vagina viewing ratio was now that I had examined about 10 penises that morning and afternoon (to any ladies out there who would like to help me adjust this ratio, please let me know).

However, philosophy is not that simple and my argument is likely filled with a vast array of holes that need to be addressed (feel free to tear it apart - but please be nice, this post is less about philosophy as it is about...ass). Despite this, I first walked away from the patient preparing my Nobel speech, having just conqured an age-old philosophical question. However, I noticed something funny. When removed from that stressful situation, I found that the finger, that was part of my Body but no longer part of my Mind, kept following my around. Turns out, it was still attached to the rest of my body. And my Mind couldn't deal with that. Crap. Literally.

It took only another rectal exam for me to then realize that I had forgotten the key part of the Rectal Corollary, which in fact demonstrated that the Mind and Body cannot be separate, at least when it comes to rectal exams:

12. The powers of delusion are temporary at best.
13. The sickening sensation of heat emanating from a finger that has been up someone's butthole lasts indefinitely.
14. Given the factor of time, the Mind cannot forever ignore the sensation of heat coming from the finger (the Body), thus reestablishing the connection that it tried so hard to destroy.

Well, folks, there it is. Three rectal exams into my third year, and I have already proven that the Mind cannot be separated from the Body. Give me two more days to discover the cure for the common cold, and in one week I'm sure I'll have explained why I can't find a nice, good-looking, single Jewish girl. That is, if I have time to spare when I'm not washing my hands excessively. Seriously, it's been four hours and I can still feel the warmth. I think I'm going to throw up.

It may occur to you that I forgot one final step, which would read something like "14. I am the biggest loser of all time for even wasting 30 minutes writing this up". And you'd be right. But one thing I'm learning about medical school is that we all have ways of coping with the craziness we are thrown into on a daily basis, and mine just happens to be thinking about utterly absurd stuff like this. And if you have a problem with that, find someone you don't really know and stick your finger up his or her butt, leave your finger in there for a couple of seconds, poke around in there, pull your finger out, and then think long and hard about how you are going to look at yourself in the mirror in the following morning.


*It is really hard to encapsulate this area of philosophy in a sentence or two, as it has filled volumes and volumes of books over the course of the last few centuries. And, lets face it, it's not like I remember a whole lot about it despite taking a whole bunch of philosophy classes as an undergraduate. I would like to thank my $120,000 private school undergraduate education for making that previous sentence possible.

67 Comments:

Blogger Beth said...

But, but...(yes, I meant that)

If you can still feel the heat when it's not there, it's all in your mind--so make your mind get rid of the poop finger!

Shall we assume proctology and urology will NOT be your choice of specialty? ;-)

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Dave S said...

The world would lose a great asshole philosopher if it loses a pretty darn good proctologist. EV-A, I think you need to jump on the grenade. For comedy's sake.

7:32 AM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

maybe it's because i spent much of my afternoon literally holding up someone's balls so a resident could suture cleanly, but i don't really understand your comment, dave. i used to be smart. i swear.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous ilyka said...

I think (but I'm by no means confident about it) that Dave is saying you need to go into proctology for comedy's sake.

If so, Dave, that's a cruel thing to wish on a man, even for comedy.

5:41 AM  
Blogger Merovingienne said...

Awesome post.

I'm going to have some rectal examining in my future too, and thanks to you, I now know what I'm in for. You are definately not a loser for writing this up.

Rather, you are providing an important glimpse to both future health care professionals, and to lay people who voyeristically have a need to know what it feels like to stick fingers up bums in a non-sexual capacity.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fake Doctor: Get over it! Pediatrians and moms have their digitals and hands in poop every day.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Ms. Charisma said...

I don't know how I missed this AWESOME post yesterday. I still believe in mind-body dualism, I think. But I majored in philosophy at my $120,000 private school.

Jewish? :(

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is worring that you are wanting to see vaginas vs penises in your studies you should not be sexually interested in patients thats very scary i hope you dont practise.

4:29 AM  
Anonymous SNM said...

Fantastic post! Just discovered your blog through a link to a link. I'm a student midwife, so my vaginas to penis ratio is skewed in quite the opposite direction. In fact, the last time I examined a penis was in nursing school, three years ago, when I took out my first male foley catheter and discovered just how long the male urethra really is. Fun fun. Awesome blog. I will come back again. :-)

7:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome post! I was laughing my ass off.

Clearly you just need to press on and get used to the warmth of the shit cocoon. If you can't take the feeling of a simple butthole probe, you're not gonna' make a very good open heart or head surgeon (or do they do that all with microsurgery these days?). So keep at it until you get jaded.

Perhaps a better approach would be to take up meditation. This will help you stop intellectualizing so much. Thru this approach you may actually stop thinking about the disgusting nature of the situation and simply observe very carefully what you are seeing and feeling while you finger the poop-hole. Who knows; perhaps with a more detached, but powerfully observant mental capacity, you'd even make a better doctor.

Good luck!

3:15 PM  
Blogger elva said...

try rectalling a dairy cow! the threat of being showered with feces is oh so much greater...

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just discovered this post, so my reply may come a bit late in the game. First, I think these postings are hilarious. It's nice to realize that other professions aside from psychology find fodder in the endless pursuit of professionalism.

Now, from my glib, sarcastic, Freudian nature, I say simply: If you can't take the heat, get out of the rectum.

Keep up the good work. (pun unintended, but left for fun)

1:55 AM  
Blogger Chika said...

Shit howdy. I laughed my ASS off reading this (Hey, wait! That makes me safe! Too bad I'm married and not jewish.) My face is so red my cubemates think I'm having a stroke. I might be. In which case I would like YOU to give me an examination, sans rectal, please.

I am sending this page to everyone I know -- prepare to be hit like a bazillion times.

I think I love you.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Segue said...

I could kill you...

I just read that on my lunch break, and I'm eating a bowl of chili.

Not anymore.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is why my primary care physician is a holistic chiropractor.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Edward Finsbury said...

Good post, Good english. If I were you, I'd imagine my finger somewhere else, or in someone elses bottom. Or, next time, comtemplate what makes us feel the way we do about the brown stuff, we LEARN to think of it as horrable smelly stuff, its all in the mind, you can try and reason this if it makes you feel any better.

BTW, I was of the view that the rectum was normally empty, if there's anything in there, doesn't the person concerned feel the need to deficate ?

Respect to you man.

7:33 AM  
Blogger ArizonaDB said...

This post reminds me of that SNL skit they used to do called "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, except with more poo.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone should design a cardboard cutout of a porn-star bending over with a hole in it. You could place it over the patient and pretend you're examining Jenna Jameson instead of Old Man Winter.

11:22 AM  
Anonymous christine said...

This one gave me one of those rare moments where you're sitting in a crowded computer lab at school, wanting to bust out laughing, but you know that it would just be stupid if you started doing that because you probably would not be able to stop, so you minimize the window for now and give yourself time to recover by writing about it on your journal before going back again.

8:46 PM  
Blogger amtpilot said...

I am a physician in practice and I felt just like you do. My biggest worry was and remains---- what if the glove breaks.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeez loser, grow some balls. Arent you training to be a doctor? Just stick your finger up the old mans ass and suck it up. you are the biggest pussy medical student ive ever encountered. i dont think you have what it takes to be a doctor! and your philosophical acumen is simply ... pathetic ....

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was entertaining. But, I agree with the last guy. As a male nurse for five years...

You don't really need any more, do you? I've seen more old people's crotches, asses, infected wounds, insane minds/behavior/rantings, etc. than I can shake a stick at. And then, when it was all over with, some guy who only had to lay bricks all day would call me a fag.

You've occupied Iraq for a reason. And the rules in medicine are the same as for democracy building or one-night stands. Now do what you came do to and then pull-the-fuck-out.

You get total strangers to do just about anything you want. ENJOY it.
Smile as you go!

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if it was a hot chick? The hopefully her anus would not only be extremely clean, but would invoke thoughts of replacing the finger with.......

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i tooka girl up the anus the other day and it was the worst feeling in the goddamn world!!!!!

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i took sean up th anus 2 days ago....meeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan from andy

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

na andy stands 4 sam

5:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

andy got teabaged

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my name is sam i got done in the ass by my rishie babe it was soooooo good!!!!!!! heehehehehehehe

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

sean stand chris

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

yer sams little balls were so small

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

no ther HUGE from andy

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

adamtook me up the ass yesterday by ashi babyee

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

i got a prince Albert had anu and it got suck so i had 2 drive 2 da hospital with him suck on me

5:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

stop saying shit about boi!!!! i cut ur fucking head off niggah

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