ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: NSWTHAIGTDWML-O-Meter

Saturday, August 20, 2005

NSWTHAIGTDWML-O-Meter

(No Seriously, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With My Life-O-Meter)

Now that I've had a few (albeit brief) rotations under my belt, I thought it'd be fun to track my thought process and keep a ranking of the different types of doctors I might become, adding and subtracting things to the list as I am exposed to them or as I develop new epiphanies. To limit myself and keep this list contained, I'll make sure that fields I have not yet rotated through cannot be considered, and all inclinations to insert "Drop Out", "Drop Out Now", and "Jewish Sex God" will be (hopefully) rejected by me. However, if I develop a burning desire to include a viable career not directly related to medicine, I am reserving all rights to stick that in there (so "Screenwriter" and "Marry Rich" are still alive). Lastly, I'd like to create a final spot, entitled "Hell No", for a medical field I find so repugnant I can't imagine even the thought of pursuing it.

To kick things off, I'll try my best to explain my number 1 and my Hell No. So far, looking back on the last five weeks, we have a surprise winner for the first spot: Urology. You may be thinking to yourself, "Isn't this the same schmuck who went on and on whining about how gross it was to keep sticking his finger up so many people's asses?", and you'd be right. But you have failed to consider that, with urology, I have an endless source of material with which to make jokes about. And just imagine if I combined urology with my longterm interest in pediatrics? The thought of my mom having to tell her friends that her beloved son the doctor is a pediatric urologist alone is enough to make me laugh. While choosing a career for the jokes is probably not the best idea, I have absolutely no other criteria with which to pick a field at this point, so might as well go with what keeps me entertained.

Furthermore, I'd like to nominate anesthesiology as the current occupant of my Hell No spot. Tthis last week of anesthesia was by far the easiest week I've had, with me getting off the earliest and being able to joke around with a great group of wise-asses and otherwise laid-back residents while we did some intubations and got to sit around. So why is career this off? Well, rather than give technical details on the field of anesthesiology, let me give you an analogy that should explain why: Let's say you're trying to break into the porn industry. You're a strapping young lad packing a 12 inch penis, medicore acting abilities, and a perfect porn name, Rock Highlands. You are lucky enough to get a call-back from a movie crew, and when you arrive on the set, you find this gorgeous young woman with enormous breasts and a tiny waist, who, while perhaps not actually as hungry for cock as the title of the film you're about to shoot would suggest, will still be boning the lead of the film in about thirty minutes. However, after arriving on the set, you are told by the director that, rather than be the lead male in this scene, you are instead assigned to the role of the "auxiliary porn movie character who is there for no obvious reason but is still vital to every porn movie ever made". Now, you're role in this film is pivotal, you will get paid well, and you don't have to work hard at all. But you're not the one boning the chick, and you never will be. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I cannot become an anesthesiologist.

I hope you enjoy the progression of this chart, and I hope I figure out what the hell do to with my life. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to leave a comment.

37 Comments:

Anonymous ilyka said...

But you're not the one boning the chick, and you never will be. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I cannot become an anesthesiologist.

That, right there, is why I'm hoping and praying that whatever you choose has something to do with writing. That was a brilliant analogy.

Don't rule out "Jewish Sex God," either. I cannot possibly be the only female reader you have who is wishing she were a nice young Jewish girl instead of a late-30s goyah. If somehow we could get you a reader base that's like 90% nice young Jewish girls, though, you'd be set.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

honestly, that was captivating. one of your best posts. (and frigging hilarious)
-karen

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

I think that is an excellent reason NOT to choose Anesthesiology! I'm glad I'm not the only one who comes up with off the wall reasoning behind my crazy actions and decisions.

I recently started reading your blog, by sheer kismet! I am a mid-twenties female! But not Jewish.... I am.... a free floater with no one set belief! My mind runs toooooo fast to believe one thing! I pick it apart! But anyways, keep up with the entertaining blog!

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Michelle L. said...

I think that is an excellent reason NOT to choose Anesthesiology! I'm glad I'm not the only one who comes up with off the wall reasoning behind my crazy actions and decisions.

I recently started reading your blog, by sheer kismet! I am a mid-twenties female! But not Jewish.... I am.... a free floater with no one set belief! My mind runs toooooo fast to believe one thing! I pick it apart! But anyways, keep up with the entertaining blog!

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

I find your blog infinately entertaining, even if I could never take your cynicism to heart seeing how I am a lowly pre-med undergrad with dreams of saving the world. On a more interesting note, I am a nice, young Jewish girl. I guess that means ilyka is one step closer to reaching the 90% percent.

4:20 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

so i guess the next step is figuring out a way to be able to respond to this 90% nice young Jewish girl readership should the situation present itself...i'm pretty sure emails dont get posted to this comment board ladies, so feel free to leave that there! and with that desperate plea, i need to go to sleep and get up at 4am.

10:15 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

wait, maybe im not right on that. crap i have no idea. ok now i really have to go to sleep.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's your email?

8:45 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

uhh...using the magic of insta-gmail accounts, i can be reached at:
thefakedoctor@gmail.com

9:10 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Hi Fake Dr. :) Your blog happened to be my very "first"..I stumbled over it accidentally while begining to create my own. (Although I don't beleive in accidents) And I have to admit I really enjoyed my visit. Strangely enough I have my first appointment with a urologist in the near future.
Oh I have a question for you! Since I don't know any Doctors on a person level to ask... May I ask you a question?
Wendy

2:41 AM  
Blogger k&b said...

The most hilarity I've had in med school so far was working with a Jewish urologist. Of course on writing this comment I can't recall any of the hilarious moments... except that when he finishes a vasectomy, he always tells the patient, "You're a new woman now". We also had a good chuckle over the gentleman who's had an indwelling catheter for the past 3 years because he wants to "save his prostate".

But I'm gonna be one of those hot ob/gyn residents... :) (but way up in Canada where we have that strange free medicine - ne'er the twain shall meet).

Good luck. 4th year's way better than 3rd year. You get to choose what you want to do (= goof off!)... like right now I'm in Australia on an "elective" which happens to involve lots of surfing...

12:53 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Hey K8e :) Where in Oz are you? I live in Port Macquarie NSW..plenty of surfing here! At my daughters school one of the subjects is surf shop management! lol

10:04 PM  
Blogger Angela Rose said...

I agree with ilyka. Whatever you choose should have something to do with writing. I'm one of those who discovered your blog post-blogger "blogs of note" fame.

I see Orthopaedics is #2 in your list. Why-oh-why?? Orthopaedic surgeons are usually mindless pricks (in my opinion after being in the ortho field for almost five years), and I don't think you fit into the mindless prick category. However, ortho surgeons are usually fairly busy, a primary joint can be pretty exciting and most ortho surgeons I know have hot (female) scrub techs. It's a predominately male field, though, so attending those AAOS CME seminars may prevent you from hooking up with some fine fellow surgeon.

Opthalmology is an interesting field. I'm not sure it's quite as exciting as orthopaedics, though. I've known some hilarious opthalmologists, though.

You are so funny, and I love reading through your posts. I learn a lot, laugh a lot, and often wish I was a single female Jewish sex goddess.

6:07 PM  
Blogger elizabby said...

Hilarious! You do realize though, that paediatric urologists don't do nearly as many PR exams as the adults? Mostly because the finger doesn't fit, but partly (I suspect) because of what their mothers would have to say at parties... (from a non-urologist paediatrician-to-be).

1:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To: Doctor, The Fake
From: Sex Goddess, Female Jewish

Unfortunately, I don't completely fit the bill since I'm happily not single these days. I am likewise dating a woman... but on the other hand that puts the hypothetical rebound sexual relationship odds in favor of men.

I also have the one Jewish mother who thinks her daughter shouldn't be a doctor. Why, God, why?

Enough said about my Jewish Goddessness (not Princess-ness, thank you)I think you're a terrific writer and hope you continue to blog!

5:32 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

The anesthesiologist gets to undress her, warm her up, get warmed up, and give the money shot! That 12 incher will still come in "handy"...They also don't have to deal with the long term consequences! (HIV, pregnancy, etc....)

1:07 PM  
Blogger Derrick said...

Found this site during a Google search for - you just earned your self a new reader :].

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Buy Tamiflu said...

Bad advise! If nobody wants to become an urologist or an anesthesiologist who will treat urology diseases and narcotize?

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Anonymous libido killers said...

hello friend excellent post about NSWTHAIGTDWML-O-Meter That, right there, is why I'm hoping and praying that whatever you choose has something to do with writing. That was a brilliant analogy. thanks for sharing!!

10:02 AM  
Anonymous feet fetish said...

Hello.I can't recall any of the hilarious moments... except that when he finishes a vasectomy, he always tells the patient, "You're a new woman now". Thank you

1:15 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently started reading your blog, by sheer kismet! I am a mid-twenties female! But not Jewish. and porno

3:10 PM  
Anonymous الاندرويد said...

you have an strange brave inside that makes you think and post like that

2:35 AM  
Anonymous Pamela Pornel said...

what a shit she was nagged she was not attractive although she has a great chick.I am a mid-twenties female! But not Jewish.... I am.... a free floater with no one set belief!I pick it apart! But anyways, keep up with the entertaining blog!
סקס

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Viagra Online said...

Frankly I think it would have been more information or even more facts, maybe we can do something else about it, I liked that expression, "To limit myself and keep this list contained"... because it's so concrete and honest too.

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Blogger Blogger Name: Krystal Larson said...

I have literally been following your blog since I learned I was accepted into med school...something I did rather grudgingly >.> Is there a reason there has to be nice, single Jewish girls reading this? And if so, does a quarter qualify? Oo

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