Ask The Fake Doctor 2
You are my new hero. I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and after reading Eagle Eyes I realized I was home. I think it was your poo-talk that reeled me in...just on your porn/anaesthetics analogy: isn't the anesthesiologist really like the back-up super-stud for when the lead male totally screws up and needs the actually-not-so-auxillary male to come save the day? Just a thought after I sawt he anesthesiologist save the life of a woman who really wanted to die in the gyn OR. I mean this guy's performance was so good that even the surgeon couldn't stop raving about him. Think about it, lead male can't stop raving how amazing Rock Highlands saved the day.
-R. R., Sydney, Australia (How's that for international appeal?)
Ignoring the fact that I left in the part about being someone’s new hero only to make myself feel better when it is so obvious that that statement has nothing to do with the question, you bring up an interesting point. Could I have been mistaken about this analogy, overlooking the instances when anesthesiologist does step up to not only bang the porn star, but also make the male lead look flaccid and small in the process? Perhaps, but first of all, the situation you describe is exceedingly rare. In all of the OR time I have experienced in the last three months, I have never seen anything even close to that which you describe. Which is not to say it doesn’t happen, because I’ve heard stories like yours before. Surely there is some porn movie where the above scenario ensues. However, what I have heard and seen far more frequently is the anesthesiologist screwing up (or cockblocking the male lead, if you want to keep this porn analogy going) and requiring gentle reminders from the surgeons to do their jobs appropriately (these go usually something like “STOP READING YOUR GODDAMN MAGAZINE AND FIX THIS NOW!”). In porn terms, the dialogue might go something like this:
Female lead/Patient: It’s so hot outside…I’m all soaked and wet.
Male lead/Surgeon: I’ll cool you off, baby, with my shower of-
Back-up/Anesthesiologist: [Busts open the door, barges in] Hey guys! What’s going on over here? Anyone want to play Scattergories?
Male lead/Surgeon: Put that away before I shove that board game up her ass!
Being a Jewish male of 54 I have a question for you. How is it that a Jewish male med student at a prestigious school, with a great sense of humor, every Jewish mother's dream, has trouble getting girls? They should be standing in line.
-M. A., Barrington, Rhode Island
I really have nothing to add here, I just wanted everyone to see this.
Do you find every time you do something dumb now people say "oh God, and YOU'RE going to be a doctor?" That pisses me off. Can you write something about that? Like if I pull on a door that says push or can't figure out how to get the dvd player to play, that increases the likelihood that I'm one day going to kill someone in surgery by 30%?
-S. W., Hamilton, Canada
Having (1) referred to myself as my sister’s sister (think about it) on multiple occasions (including one time on her bat-mitzvah video, a moment in time to be cherished for eternity), (2) almost knocked myself unconscious while banging my head against one of the lights in the OR two weeks ago, and (3) been told by a standardized patient who was evaluating my clinical skills that I made an orgasm face when I was listening to her heart and lungs (I have a written evaluation to prove that), I know a thing or two about making an ass out of myself. And yes, I get the same nonsense from non-medical people about how I am obviously too incompetent to be in charge of saving other peoples' lives when I cannot even figure out how to open up the button placed ever so confusingly over the fly of the boxers I bought at Costco a while back. (But seriously, why the hell is there a button over the fly? I don’t get it.) However, rest assured that there are a few ways to respond to this:
1) “You think I’m stupid because I can’t do [insert menial task here]? Excuse me, but I’ve been too busy exploring the most advanced surgical techniques and the latest breakthroughs in drug development to waste my time pondering the intricacies of your simpleton DVD player. That is a task better left to people like you, don’t you think? That’s what I thought.”
2) “Does that door really say ‘push’? Why don’t you hold onto this big stack of degrees I received from prestigious universities while I go in to take a closer look.”
3) “You’re right. I’m a total klutz. I’ll never be any good at this. I am more likely to kill someone because of my faults. But you know what? This school’s pass/fail, baby. And guess what? Everyone passes. Which means I’m getting that MD whether you like it or not. Keep that in your mind the next time you show up to the ER clutching your chest in agony and seeing my beautiful face staring back at you. Prick.”
Fake Doctor, is there anything us bigger chested women can do like exercises or anything to prevent that sagging effect? Or perhaps we should get a breast reduction or someting...when we turn 70ish...is that healthy?
Not that I have any medical data to back this up, but I could have sworn reading somewhere that it definitely helps to work out those pectoralis muscles if trying to prevent saggy boobs. Intuitively, this makes sense because those are the muscles directly behind the breasteses (is that not the appropriate medical terminology?) and would be most likely to help support the otherwise gravity-challenged sack of fat that is breast tissue. That said, I invite any and all women with these concerns to send me pictures of their breasts, and I will be glad to provide an individualized workout and preservation plan geared towards maintaining the natural curvature of your breasts. (As an aside, this gratuitous solicitation marks a new low in my life, just in case you were keeping track of such things.) Finally, if you’ve made it to 70 and your back has withheld your breasteses without crippling pain, there’s really no reason to have a breast reduction, because it likely isn't going to make much of a difference anyways. And, lets face it, by the time you are 70, are you really going to care what some schmuck medical student thinks about your breasts? Probably not.