ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Ask The Fake Doctor 2

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Ask The Fake Doctor 2

Proving once again that I will respond to your questions, I have decided to institute another installment of Ask The Fake Doctor. I should remind you that these questions are not made up and have not been altered from their original text (save a spelling correction here or there). I should also remind you that not one of these people sent me naked pictures of themselves, despite my constant pleas. So thanks a lot, everyone.


You are my new hero. I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and after reading Eagle Eyes I realized I was home. I think it was your poo-talk that reeled me in...just on your porn/anaesthetics analogy: isn't the anesthesiologist really like the back-up super-stud for when the lead male totally screws up and needs the actually-not-so-auxillary male to come save the day? Just a thought after I sawt he anesthesiologist save the life of a woman who really wanted to die in the gyn OR. I mean this guy's performance was so good that even the surgeon couldn't stop raving about him. Think about it, lead male can't stop raving how amazing Rock Highlands saved the day.
-R. R., Sydney, Australia (How's that for international appeal?)


Ignoring the fact that I left in the part about being someone’s new hero only to make myself feel better when it is so obvious that that statement has nothing to do with the question, you bring up an interesting point. Could I have been mistaken about this analogy, overlooking the instances when anesthesiologist does step up to not only bang the porn star, but also make the male lead look flaccid and small in the process? Perhaps, but first of all, the situation you describe is exceedingly rare. In all of the OR time I have experienced in the last three months, I have never seen anything even close to that which you describe. Which is not to say it doesn’t happen, because I’ve heard stories like yours before. Surely there is some porn movie where the above scenario ensues. However, what I have heard and seen far more frequently is the anesthesiologist screwing up (or cockblocking the male lead, if you want to keep this porn analogy going) and requiring gentle reminders from the surgeons to do their jobs appropriately (these go usually something like “STOP READING YOUR GODDAMN MAGAZINE AND FIX THIS NOW!”). In porn terms, the dialogue might go something like this:

Female lead/Patient: It’s so hot outside…I’m all soaked and wet.
Male lead/Surgeon: I’ll cool you off, baby, with my shower of-
Back-up/Anesthesiologist: [Busts open the door, barges in] Hey guys! What’s going on over here? Anyone want to play Scattergories?
Male lead/Surgeon: Put that away before I shove that board game up her ass!

‘Nuff said.


Being a Jewish male of 54 I have a question for you. How is it that a Jewish male med student at a prestigious school, with a great sense of humor, every Jewish mother's dream, has trouble getting girls? They should be standing in line.
-M. A., Barrington, Rhode Island

I really have nothing to add here, I just wanted everyone to see this.


Do you find every time you do something dumb now people say "oh God, and YOU'RE going to be a doctor?" That pisses me off. Can you write something about that? Like if I pull on a door that says push or can't figure out how to get the dvd player to play, that increases the likelihood that I'm one day going to kill someone in surgery by 30%?
-S. W., Hamilton, Canada

Having (1) referred to myself as my sister’s sister (think about it) on multiple occasions (including one time on her bat-mitzvah video, a moment in time to be cherished for eternity), (2) almost knocked myself unconscious while banging my head against one of the lights in the OR two weeks ago, and (3) been told by a standardized patient who was evaluating my clinical skills that I made an orgasm face when I was listening to her heart and lungs (I have a written evaluation to prove that), I know a thing or two about making an ass out of myself. And yes, I get the same nonsense from non-medical people about how I am obviously too incompetent to be in charge of saving other peoples' lives when I cannot even figure out how to open up the button placed ever so confusingly over the fly of the boxers I bought at Costco a while back. (But seriously, why the hell is there a button over the fly? I don’t get it.) However, rest assured that there are a few ways to respond to this:

1) “You think I’m stupid because I can’t do [insert menial task here]? Excuse me, but I’ve been too busy exploring the most advanced surgical techniques and the latest breakthroughs in drug development to waste my time pondering the intricacies of your simpleton DVD player. That is a task better left to people like you, don’t you think? That’s what I thought.”

2) “Does that door really say ‘push’? Why don’t you hold onto this big stack of degrees I received from prestigious universities while I go in to take a closer look.”

3) “You’re right. I’m a total klutz. I’ll never be any good at this. I am more likely to kill someone because of my faults. But you know what? This school’s pass/fail, baby. And guess what? Everyone passes. Which means I’m getting that MD whether you like it or not. Keep that in your mind the next time you show up to the ER clutching your chest in agony and seeing my beautiful face staring back at you. Prick.”



Fake Doctor, is there anything us bigger chested women can do like exercises or anything to prevent that sagging effect? Or perhaps we should get a breast reduction or someting...when we turn 70ish...is that healthy?
-Anonymous, Anonymous-land

Not that I have any medical data to back this up, but I could have sworn reading somewhere that it definitely helps to work out those pectoralis muscles if trying to prevent saggy boobs. Intuitively, this makes sense because those are the muscles directly behind the breasteses (is that not the appropriate medical terminology?) and would be most likely to help support the otherwise gravity-challenged sack of fat that is breast tissue. That said, I invite any and all women with these concerns to send me pictures of their breasts, and I will be glad to provide an individualized workout and preservation plan geared towards maintaining the natural curvature of your breasts. (As an aside, this gratuitous solicitation marks a new low in my life, just in case you were keeping track of such things.) Finally, if you’ve made it to 70 and your back has withheld your breasteses without crippling pain, there’s really no reason to have a breast reduction, because it likely isn't going to make much of a difference anyways. And, lets face it, by the time you are 70, are you really going to care what some schmuck medical student thinks about your breasts? Probably not.

42 Comments:

Anonymous La Dentista said...

As The Fake Doctor's sister, I can vouch for the "sister's sister" comment. I don't have much to add to that... except that it still cracks me up. Love ya sis, er, bro! :)

8:48 PM  
Anonymous rachel said...

where the hell is the link to the bat mitzvah video?? now THAT would be something to see.

3:55 PM  
Anonymous the other jew said...

I think they put the button on the boxer fly just so you'll have it there in case you need it (along the lines of those med school demonstrations that required removing your shirt). And if you're going to visit a doctor, it's usually preferable to avoid an appearance from little Jimmy Wisentall. I guess what I'm saying is the button is usually worthless and just gets in the way, but it has its occasional uses.

4:27 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

perhaps the only thing sadder than me referring to myself as my sister's sister on her actual bat mitzvah video is the site of me, a pudgy nerdy-looking 10 year old with glasses three times bigger than my face, sitting in a makeshift sound studio providing a voiceover to allow them to edit over my mistake.

8:43 PM  
Blogger Chackler said...

Holy crap - this is a great blog! Would it be okay if I added you to my links?

4:13 PM  
Blogger Rich said...

Hey boss-
Just found your website via the blogger homepage. Good writing! As a former med student, I can attest to the travails of life at a teaching institution and the general disdain laid upon you by the floor nurses.
Seems you're pretty keen on surgical subspecialties thus far. Think about Emergency Medicine...it's a little of everything, and often a lot of fun :)
You may think we're too much like the anesthesiologist, though...we don't usually get the credit for saving lives.

5:25 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

Great page man, fake doctor, pretty funny :)

R2000

7:59 PM  
Blogger PG said...

You're not the only Jewish male med student who's single; my cousin is at medical school and has at least one friend of that description (not you). I told his friend to come visit me, as New York law schools are overflowing with Jewish women who would pay me a semester's worth of tuition to hook them up with a nice Jewish doctor.

8:01 PM  
Blogger enjoyable_payne said...

Your blog could use some serious mad max porn. It should be more like my blog.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Joshua Dudley said...

Dear Fake Doctor, what do you reccomend for a patient who is losing his mind?

9:43 PM  
Blogger Sabine said...

Dear Fake Doctor:

My due date is October 17th. My husband is about to be sent to Iraq (national guard), but they are letting him come home for a few days to see his daughter. Any advice on how NOT to go into labor until he comes home?

Momma-to-be
PS, your blog is hilarious. My best friend is a DO who tortured me with med school stories.

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Half assing your way through Med school....what a joke....

10:50 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

Dude this is a cool blog. I love your sense of humor and well, to tell the truth its a bit like that sidney sheldon novel about three doctors or whatever, anyway, at least its got a purpose unlike all the other blogs that just say today was boring and so on.

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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1:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... Just got here. So what year are you? Residency and fellowship is when the party really starts. Have you read John Langone's "Harvard Med"? Great book.

Wait until a patient meets you and then asks to speak with a REAL doctor like you're the Velveteen Rabbit or something. The words escaping them are probably "attending physician."

- J.J.

2:35 AM  
Blogger The Queen said...

Please keep speaking language anyone can understand and you will be a great doctor. But lose the "holier than thou because I've studied. . . blah blah blah." Thomas Edison only had 3 months of formal schooling.

Your blog is hilarious! Mine is insipid pulp compared to yours and I am now inspired . . .or perhaps simply intimidated.

Please continue to edify the general public (I was gonna say "Keep it up" but then remembered the porn analogy.)!

5:22 AM  
Blogger Editor said...

I know where the bit about exercising the pectoral muscles to prevent sagging comes from! It's in a Harold Robbins Novel ;) and you can quote it next time.

5:41 AM  
Blogger Loafer Extraordinaire said...

Hello Fake Doctor, I stumbled upon your blog while parousing through blogger on a whim. I really enjoy your writing style as well as your witty banter. "I mean, that thing's good, I'd like to be friends with it." If you want to be nerdy techie blog buddies stop by my site and check 'er out. If not, kudos on the site and I will keep reading.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Candida14 said...

FYI:
Doctors aren't the only ones who get ridiculous question. My friend is a park ranger for a National park which is an Island in the middle of the Great Lakes and has been asked the following questions:
1. What happens when the moose and wolf breed?
2. Where is the trail to Canada? (It's an island).

8:56 AM  
Blogger tami said...

I have nothing intelligent to add here except... I love this site and I'm linking you.

Hope you don't mind, dude.

9:12 AM  
Blogger www.akintoye.com said...

hows it going? pretty insightful and interesting blog. i'll forward your site to my little bro- a duke senior on his way to med school...

thanks

later..

1:06 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

For the sake of potenetial future patients everywhere and skyrocketing med mal, I hope a publisher picks you up and lands you a sweet print option. Seriously. It is a win-win. In the meantime, keep entertaining the rest of us! Your observations and resulting commentary are too funny.

3:37 PM  
Blogger naudy said...

as I wipe tears of laughter from my eyes I'm telling you I'm linking you to my site, but only 'cause all my friend will laugh just as hard as I have!

12:43 AM  
Blogger Dea said...

I thought you might enjoy an excerpt from an e-mail I sent in response to my sister's rant about being asked inappropriate personal questions at work:

I'm off work sick today so I'm grumpy enough to join
the ranting... here are some translations of common
statements you hear when you are young Australian doctor of
Hong Kong Chinese heritage...

1. "Where are you from, dear?"
Translation: "I can hear your loud ocker Australian accent, but are you one of those foreign doctors
I've heard so many bad things about (because I'm old
and watch too much Today Tonight)?"

2. "How old are you?" "You look too young to be a
doctor!" "How long have you been a doctor for?"
Tr: "Where's the real doctor, you know, the old guy
with a beard?"

3. "Nurse, can you please go and get the doctor for
me?"
Tr: "I can see your namebadge with the words 'Doctor'
on them, but I really want to be bitchslapped into tomorrow"

Hope that helped you prepare for your transition into work (although you are not an HK-descended chick). I also have a few horror stories from med school - it was all worth being treated like an idiot for six years, only to discover people still do it once you've got that MBBS. I think...

9:38 PM  
Blogger Chika said...

Hey now. Did anyone else catch the comment from Anonymous which starts out "specifically"? Whoa. Talk about a drive by... FD, I'm your newest fan. I love you just like Ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry cola.

9:19 AM  
Blogger thetruthisthelight said...

ok. first of all gestational diabetes is genetic. women have a lot of diseases which slap THEM in the face. One that we are battling now is called polycystic ovarian syndrome. Very nasty disease, PCOS. A lot of doctors will tell you that it's 'all in your head'. Sure, like thinning hair, weight gain which is very hard to lose, skin tags on your neck, underarm, and groin area, dark patches of skin on your neck, cysts on your ovaries, fatigue, diabetes, sleep apnea are ALL in our heads LOL. Alllllrightythen! You wanna grossout story, read some of the horror stories these ladies have gone through. One was told that she was 'lazy' and needed to get on a serious diet...when she had been on different diets for years and had not lost more than 20 lbs with either of them, not knowing what was actually wrong with her. Sorry if I'm ranting but I'm on a roll here bud. I'm inviting you to the yahoo group PCOS pals. Look for it!

9:21 PM  
Blogger hatinutoo said...

funny

1:51 PM  
Blogger acerbicundergrad said...

Wicked blog - wish I was witty and had the focus for both the profession and the writing... I'm not sure if this has to be pointed out but - going through your posts - man - AugustLionness has got the hots for you. Giddyup :)

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a disenchanted MD, I can understand your pain. You're smart--getting encouragement and venting constructively.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always assumed the buttoned ones were the "fake" boxers for girls to wear as outerwear, and the ones without buttons were the actual underwear.

1:18 PM  
Blogger O said...

I was doing a rotation at the Anesthesiology department and attending an athroscopy, when the patient (healthy 40 yr old man) suddenly went bradycardic and finally went asystolic. The orthopeadics appeared not to notice at first and later looked flabbergasted, while the anesthesiology eh person (not a doctor.. don't know the word in english) acted really quick and got him back into sinusrhythm very calm and efficiently.
Anyway, loved the 54 Jewish' guy's question.

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8:36 AM  
Anonymous Buy Tamiflu said...

Is it necessary that your girl must be a Jew?

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

pornoAs The Fake Doctor's sister, I can vouch for the "sister's
nk they put the button on the boxer fly just so you'll have it there in case you need it (along the lines of those me my face, sitting

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