ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Cunning Linguist

Monday, October 10, 2005

Cunning Linguist

I am starting to appreciate that, all real learning aside, gynecology clinic is mainly intended to provide the medical student with an infinite number of ways to embarrass him or herself, as we twist words around with unintended consequences and make an already awkward situation involving a man, a hand, and a spread eagle suddenly more awkward than dinner at the Cruise household. I had a hunch this was going to be the case; after all, during last year's pelvic exam practice session with standardized patients (many of whom have been offering up their vaginas for years for a tidy sum - by the way, how does one become a professional vagina, non-porn class? Do they just wake up one day and discover their true calling? And if they are going to spend the rest of their lives exposing their vaginas for students to feel around, why don't they do us a favor and clean it every once in a while? OK, I'll stop.), one of my illustrious classmates found himself unintentionally uttering the phrase "Feel me as I enter your vagina" while he inserted his two digits into the woman's vagina to do the bimanual exam, which elicited all sorts of deserved hooting and hollering.

Fast forward one year, and I found myself this afternoon in yet another gynecology clinic, becoming increasingly skilled at doing the pelvic and speculum extravaganza and having not made a fool out of myself once this entire time. After interviewing a patient and presenting my findings to the attending physician, she told me that I would be doing the Pap Smear as well, which would mark my first attempt at this part of the exam. (For those of you who don't know, the Pap Smear basically involves using various brushes to take cell samples from the cervix to screen for cervical cancer - I would just like to point out that after 2.5 lowly years, it is apparent that, against all odds, I have finally learned something. Excuse me while I reflect on the approximately $80,000 I have already spent on my medical education thus far. OK, I'm done.) Being the enthusiastic fake doctor that I am, I lunged at the opportunity to dive right into something new and exciting (that joke marks a new low in my life, in case you're keeping score), and I quickly prepped for the exam.

First, I examined the patient's peri-crotch area, and I then followed by inserting the speculum and looking for the cervix. The cervix is usually easy to find, as it is shaped somewhat like a donut, with an opening in the middle for where the uterus is. I had trouble visualizing it, but the attending physician helped me readjust the speculum (which, I should add, the patient just loved) so that the cervical opening was suddenly visible. I returned to the action and the doctor handed me the brush. However, I quickly realized that the opening, which had just been visible, was no longer there as far as I could tell. Panicking like the little puss that I am, I quickly turned to the attending and uttered these words:

"Umm...I just got lost in this woman's vagina and now I can't find the hole. I can't find the hole!"

I swear to you all that I actually said that, out loud. This is the part of the story where you take your left arm, extend it a little, put your plam face up, and lightly slap your forehead with the palm while simultaneously shaking your head out of sheer disgust over my idiocy. Thanks.

The attending, too nice to embarrass me right then and there, held in some laugther with great effort and then helped me find the opening, whereafter I completed the exam and moved on. Afterwards, in her office, my attending turned to me and said, "So...having some trouble finding the hole eh?", and I suddenly realized what I had said and turned bright red. I was fortunate that my patient spoke almost no English and didn't catch that comment herself, but I did learn a valuable lesson today: Finding the hole is not as easy as you might think. So ladies, cut us some freaking slack. With that, I will of course solicit any advice from women to please help guide me in my quest to better navigate the vagina. It's a matter of your health...and mine.


Blogger Litahnee said...

Aaah, the good ol' smear.
What type of meal does one feel like tucking into after scraping cells out of a vag?

10:31 PM  
Blogger beertapgirl said...

It is the birthplace of all creation and must be deserving of some respect. However, on behalf of those women who have used a diaphragm in the past...that particular part of your nether regions does become ALOT more familiar.

Impossibly neurotic of me, but I always hoped that when I was measured for mine that it would be small...not big. Funny thing that!!! Men always want theirs to be bigger, and women want theirs to be smaller. It seems to me that if we all went with medium like Goldilocks (or Goldicocks it's your choice) this world would be a much happier place.

As for advice, I would abstain from such comments about "cleaning it" around your patients. They might become a little touchy about such things. Personal hygiene aside, some women have no control over certain, shall we say, discharges that sneak up on us when we least expect it. Not to mention those times that sex on a stick walks by.

10:47 PM  
Blogger Lori B said...

LIttle did I know how much blood, sweat and tears goes into the navigation of the ol' birth canal. Perhaps you should master the words, "I can't find the hole" in Spanish, Tegalog, French, Chinese and Vietnamese. Wouldn't want your non-porn class volunteers missing out on the dialogue.

10:55 PM  
Blogger pj said...

Remember not to repeat 'I can't find the hole!' on your wedding night.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Transcience said...

A man, a hand, a spread eagle: el gaeda erps ad nahanama. I think we've just conconcted the second greatest palindrome of all time.

11:12 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh, my dear, don't you worry. As an L&D nurse I can assure you that I've heard med students and MDs alike say WAAAAYYYYY stupider things in the presence of spread-eagled pts than "I can't find the hole" and they've gone on to do quite well!

11:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Found a Natalie Portman clip that you might enjoy, it's strangly appropriate to today's blog topic as well. Go to Skoopy.com and find "Natalie Portman talks dirty on TV". Posted on Oct. 7th.
Tell me what you think . . .

1:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful entries.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That link, for the speculum image - I WILL NEVER CLICK ON A LINK IN YOUR POSTS AGAIN. Is that seriously what we look like from that vantage point? Don't answer that! That was rhetorical!


2:18 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

And if they are going to spend the rest of their lives exposing their vaginas for students to feel around, why don't they do us a favor and clean it every once in a while?

Maybe she did. Maybe she was just reacting to having a hot young med student navigate her nether regions.

3:52 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Maybe being the cunnilinguist you are, you blew her mind. (Sorry just had to add that)

4:08 AM  
Blogger One Of The Js said...

One time I had to have cryosurgery (freezing) to remove a precancerous dot from my cervix. The doctor asked if it was ok if a medical student watched the procedure. He was an elderly man so I figured someone may be taking over his practice, I was uncomfortable to begin with as I am a little modest, so without really contemplating it I said ok. In walks what appears to be Mr. Fraturnity of the Year. Looks like one of the young jocks at my son's high school in a white lab coat. Whatever - we're professionals here right? Afterwards we are all sitting in the doctor's office for post-op counseling and the Doc takes a phone call. Mr. September playmate and I are just kind of looking around, awkward silence, so I try to break the tension with a little casual conversation: "So, your in med school eh?" "Yup." "Going into gynocology eh?" "Nope. I think sports medicine."
Well - fun internship to pick sonny ! Enjoy the show ? : (

4:41 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Linked here yesterday from the blogger home page and absolutely love your blog. I'm in vet school, and nowhere near clinics yet, so it's fun to see things from the "other side". :-) Just remember everything from this rotation so that you'll have some real sympathy for your future wife!

5:00 AM  
Blogger 4D said...

I just have to say, and no disrespect to yourself or your profession, but this is the funniest blog I've read in a long time.

I have sometimes found myself unable to "find the hole", but for me, it was more down to alcohol intake than anything else.

5:25 AM  
Blogger CAD Monkey said...

I nearly spat my breakfast all over the screen...that's better than the time that my Project Manager kept trying to insist, in a meeting with the entire project team and the contractor, that we were using "prophylactic" windows. I still have no idea what he was actually trying to say.

5:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A joke that goes around my medical school is that guys don't want to become OB/GYN's because they're never going to see "healthy" patients! Women don't come to see the doctor when everything is healthy down there do they?

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Pap smear technique is not born, it's learned (unless you are some sort of freak).

During the first one I did, while removing the speculum, I found myself saying "I'm pulling out now." Five shades of beet red later I was still horrified by my own ineptitude.

During the second one i couldn;t get the plastic speculum to close... that went over really well. after that I smuggled one home and practiced opening/closing/hand techniques/etc. Now it's all good.

I found your site through the blogger side column - congrats. Just wanted to know if you were aware of the fairly large medical blogger community, a sampling of which can be found through my links page. take care,

6:04 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

The cervix is one sneaky little bitch. I've had trouble finiding a few, especially for manual cervical exams in women in labor (this is the problem with being a small woman with proportionally small hands in medical school).

And don't worry too much about your inability to "find the hole". A few weeks ago, a fellow student watched one of our attendings (granted, an internist and - I say this in all seriousness - older than the hills)carefully inserted a finger into a woman's vagina and declare the rectal vault free of impaction. Now HE had the wrong hole...

6:11 AM  
Blogger Steven said...

Gun damn! This has got to be one of the funniest blogs I've ever read. To me, it's like daily doses of Scrubs and that's got to be saying something (good). Gonna be keeping a close eye on this one.

Anyway, hope the med-school goes well. Keep saving those lives.

6:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is so freakishly wonderful... I just discovered your blog- as I sit in student court studying, ok, cramming for my 2nd anatomy exam in my second year of pre-med studies... procrastating, I found you, and completely laughed my ass off for an hour reading- and it feels gooooooooodddddd.... I have been so spanked by the meanest physiology prof on the green and blue planet- jeeez. i needed to laugh. Thanks.

7:26 AM  
Blogger Milkberry said...

you are a gem! stumbled upon your blog yesterday and i am loving it! good luck finding the hole next time!

7:47 AM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

No. Way.

Tell me that you didn't honestly say, "I can't find the hole."

You didn't ... Really? ... You did??? ... Oh my ...



8:03 AM  
Blogger Chackler said...

Vagina's for sale eh? Great post, you made my day.

9:15 AM  
Blogger GB, RN said...

Sheesh. I remember doing clinicals at a free clinic. What an exciting day...we caught a couple having sex in the exam room. Then, I got to assist with a P&P on a "lady"...and I thought I was going to barf.

That is why I didn't go into OB.

You're a brave, brave man!!

9:21 AM  
Blogger D.P. said...

This is why I no longer get pelvic exams--and I'm only 39. . . .The crap we women have to put up with to stay healthy . . .Try to remember that the "hole" belongs to a woman, a person. Maybe you should have a rectal exam every year by some butt-ugly doctor with big hands making idiotic remarks without thinking. Think of your mother, maybe that will help. Good grief.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Onyx said...

I found this blog a few days ago, and just had to add you to my list o' blogs to read. This is great! The most I have laughed in weeks! I'm sorry you were so embarrased, but, thank you. :o)

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totally love your blog, truly one of the funniest I've added to my blogroll. Thanks for the laugh!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

The cervix, like women in general, works hard to keep men on their toes. Having monitored the position, degree of openness and output of my own for nearly five years while trying to conceive, I can tell you that they are fickle and that they move around -- ALOT! I guess the moving target is intended to keep out the riff-raff! ;-D

You make me laugh, so I've added you to my blogroll... keep it up!!

10:49 AM  
Blogger FarmersInsuranceGroupSucks said...

LOL, Great story!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

First blog I have ever read, so I have nothing to go on, but I swear, I haven't laughed so hard in along time...I will be keepin an eye on your blog...it is a bright spot in my day...thanks so much...lol

11:18 AM  
Blogger JMK said...

You crack me up...love it!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Marissa Engel said...

I can't tell you how disconcerting it is to learn that doctor's are real people too!

Looking forward to hearing of your hole-seeking and other ventures.

12:36 PM  
Blogger A Fruit & His Fly said...

Great site-- everyone loves a good perv!! Vagina's are awesome! It's such a struggle trying to play "professional" when you are a huge nut-job. I struggle with it every day. I work in television and we had a conference call several weeks ago with every office in the whole country-- the president was talking about Cable Penetration-- so of course, I pass a note (b/c I am 6 yrs old) to my colleague that says "penetration--ha, ha." Why? It's hard to pass up a pervy joke...goodtimes.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Joyjoy said...

Funny ass blogs.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe I squeezed as 7lb baby out of that little "donut."

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm an MSII . . . I love your blog!

and put a link up.

Thanks for saying so many things I've been thinking. . . heeheh

Rock on.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

You really seem to be having a time of it! Will we ever learn where you are "practicing"? You see, that's why they call it practicing!

5:41 PM  
Blogger Lolita said...

Great blog - you've got me laughing! I'm trying my hand at being a high school teacher for a year - not AT ALL what I expected.
I'm going to bookmark your blog and read some more later when I need to laugh. I need to get back to correcting biology tests...

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it was interesting. I am a holistic hippie, so I ain't a big fan of the med industry, but this person has a certain wit to their writings.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Anika From Darwin said...

Love your work Doc!!!

7:31 PM  
Blogger scout said...

picture this scenario:

reading it while having lunch and innocently clicked on one of the links in the entry only to see a brownish, moist and opened vagina on the computer screen when sitting among a hundred girls (and thank God i go to a girl school, or else) in the dining hall.

hey my back itches...*reaches hand to back*

the note reads
"i love looking at vaginas when i eat".

8:03 PM  
Blogger sugarfoot said...

I love you. Too bad I'm not Jewish.

Seriously though, you've been cracking me up every day since I found your blog on the blogger.com main page. It's made me realize I made the right decision by not going to med school after all ;)

8:16 PM  
Blogger blue grass, green sky said...

i hate to sound cold but stop complaining about med school and enjoy it. not all of us have the chance to go. hell i've had a vagina for 22 yrs and still dont know how to manuever the damn thing what makes you think you'll master it in one pap smear?

8:45 PM  
Blogger Ilene said...

I remain grateful that when shooting a child through that donut all I had to do was pee into a tiny dixie cup, keep my head above my waist and push.

I'd like to take this time to thank my anaesthesiologist for all the gteat drugs and the resident in the 28th hour of his shift for taking a moment from the reptilian stare directed at my vagina to blink and wield a footlong letter opener to break my amnionic sac. Oh, good times ahead!

10:59 PM  
Blogger DoctorEarly said...

Practice, practice, practice...
I have faith in you Fake Doctor. Even real doctors say they're "in practice".

12:26 AM  
Blogger Vicci said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:38 AM  
Blogger Vicci said...

Interesting entry. *g*

I wonder what sorts of interesting things will come my way in Nursing (as I'm only a freshman and have not gone on duty yet). :)

I'd love to be a part of your team. :D Haha.

1:40 AM  
Blogger addiern said...

you are awesome! I am on OB nurse and I understand!!!I have heard some great gyno jokes but you have real life experiences here, it's great, and yes I am single...

1:54 AM  
Blogger Meeko's Momma said...

Thanks man, I needed the laughs after a long night of my own in the ER -- beware when doing vag exams - I've heard horrow stories from docs and nurses about things they have found forgotten up there.

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, did you say $80,000?
With the links you have in your posts...I should be class A certified MD in the woman's gynocology, in just a few short weeks, for FREE!
Thanks Doc!

4:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate to bother u but mymother is in complete pain. i know this is not your field of expetise but maybe u know somebody? if ur untrested in helping (please) please email me at catshrkblues@yahoo.com thank you

8:01 AM  
Blogger The Mature Student said...

What a fantastic diary entry. I almost wet myself with laughter. Brilliant. I shall return to read more of your exploits.

8:29 AM  
Blogger beajerry said...

If only Frank Zappa were alive to make a song outta that!

9:25 AM  
Blogger jadefox said...

I find some bits funny and others a bit harsh. I have a more airy fairy account of med school life in London.


10:06 AM  
Blogger High Power Rocketry said...

" man, a hand, and a spread eagle"

Thats a great quote!

man, a hand, and a spread eagle

1:53 PM  
Blogger Rosa said...

I love you, you crazy fake doctor.

I'll think of you every time I feel that duckbill pinch places that were never intended to be pinched--or even touched--by cold metal...

3:24 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

I enjoyed your blog. I look forward to new updates on your experiences.

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Something you learn in practice is to keep your cool when you say something stupid. When you laugh at yourself, your patients will too. I've certainly made my share of "I can't believe I said that" statements over the years. Like when I accidentally said "deep breasts" instead of "deep breaths." But that's another story.

5:42 PM  
Blogger HHD said...

Just wait until you see what a cesium implant looks like after it has been removed from some unfortunate woman's nether regions.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

And I thought grad school in English was a bitch. At least I can see my students' faces. Sorry, that was rude. Your blog is absolutely hilarious--I needed that. Anyone who can use the English language in such a talented, hilarious way has to be amazing.

7:27 PM  
Blogger Holmes said...

We should form a gang.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Daphnewood said...

as a woman I would much rather hear "I can't find the hole!" than hear "oops! Wrong hole!"

8:50 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

If it makes you feel any better, we women-folk sometimes have trouble figuring out the mystery and design flaws of that piece of equipement.

9:28 PM  
Blogger storm said...

I'm sure all gynaeo's went thru tht very same experience....very very funny blog all the same! thats for that :)

(Fiji Islands).

9:30 PM  
Blogger Grapefruit said...

God....that must have been embarassing.

Still, you can't argue with the disturbed laughter.

11:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, at least it makes this M1 feel better for something of the things uttered today while hunting for the testes...

12:10 AM  
Blogger Brian said...

Neat blog you've got over here. Both my parents are doctors, one being a cardiologist so yeah I'm sure they also encounter some pretty disgusting stuff as well. They also work their asses off, most of the time too hard IMO so watch out for that.

I also have a pretty neat blog which shows my take on life. Check it out at thebr.blogspot.com

12:20 AM  
Blogger Krislan said...

You write creatively well! Ü Thanks for making me laugh. It's unusual for a doctor to be this talented in creative writing. This blog is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for sharing what goes on a doctor's mind during vaginal inspections. I cant stop laughing Ü

U know what, I think u r an anti-thesis to the common notion that doctors are uptight and impersonal cold hearted reptiles. Just realized that doctors are human beings-- they can be funny too.Ü

5:26 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Hilarious! One of the few times I have laughed out loud at a blog. TWICE!

I can't wait to keep reading.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Metalchick said...

It's much better than diving right into the wrong hole. I've had an intern do that before. How one might wonder, but it has happened. Don't worry too much. It makes for a very funny story.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Angela Rose said...

This is the most interesting and hilarious blog I've ever seen. Thanks for helping me see that Doctors (even in training) are people, too! :) I'll remember this the next time I'm going for my annual pap. :)

9:18 AM  
Blogger Christopher Willard said...

The Vagina Gynologues?

I think I see a big big hit...a real hole in one.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About all the "advice" I can offer is for the love of Zeus BE GENTLE. Some of us girls are "blessed" to be rather tight and that can really cause some discomfort, even at the best of times!

Wow, I just posted a "tight pussy" comment on the internet. Yay me.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap! I am laughing my fool head off. Once upon a time I was all gung-ho pre-med. I intreviewd at a bunch of schools and decided that after seeing the schools, staff and the poor students that a life in medicine would have provided entirely too much insanity to my daily living (I have quite enough insanity on my own). My best friend just graduated form med school in June, two days after my wedding. At the bachelorette story, she had us all laughing til we were crying with all her stories like yours. Best of luck in surving school and internship.

12:04 PM  
Blogger DirtyCriminal said...

I've been browsing blogger a lot since I started posting my own stories and I must say of all the ones I've read yours is my favorite. I love your humor, and the pictures just made me laugh more.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

One of the highlights of my 43 years of womanhood was moving to a new town toward the end of my fourth pregnancy. I asked my OB for a referral. He said, "Oh, we just sent Dr. so-and-so up there. He's young and bright and an excellent doctor. You'll love him." So, Dr. So-and-so it was.

He looked like Doogie Effing Houser, M.D.

I was 33 then and not above making a brand-spanking new OB blush at every opportunity.

True fun, turning those tables.

Ladies, tidy up the hoo-hah before the annual exam, mmmkay? And Jesus, if you're not already doing it for the doc, I hope to God you're doing it for your man.

2:54 PM  
Blogger med said...

nice blog.I admit vaginal exam is not easy especially as a guy. I hate doing them but sometimes working in a solo practice you will need to do them. The cervix is a bitch to find especially with ancient metal speculums. The optic fibre plastic ones are awesome though. I've graduated for 5 yrs now so my blog sort of reflects daily practice shit.


7:48 PM  
Blogger Mindi said...

You are hysterical! I'm glad I found this site!

9:29 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...


10:16 PM  
Blogger rangerxlt said...

Hang in there maybe it will get easier, I still have trouble FINDING THE HOLE

12:55 AM  
Blogger The Missus Complains said...

Why oh why do men want to become gynocologists? Women don't clammer to become men's urologists. Another scary questions, why to men want to become men's urologists? I can't make sense of it. My gyno is a man and very nice. He actually asked if there was any way he could make my visit for comfortable.

1:15 AM  
Blogger Tr@fficJ@m said...

HeHeHe....Great Blog man! This is by the far one of the funniest encounters I've had after the PV's I've done....or PR's for that matter! You see your senior doctor doing it and you think 'Hey , that looks easy, she's not complaing' But I think the look on you're face gives that all away...its a semi-giggle, semi-digusted , semi-confused kinda look! And I'm a female I can't imagine being the Guy!! And believe me I've seen much worse in The Hernia Examination in Surgery! Take care of ureself and keep those posts coming!

3:21 AM  
Blogger The Jamoker said...

Funny stuff. Thanks. Of course, reading your stuff is like watching a train wreck...you wanna look away, but just can't. Confirms my decision not to go through med school. I can see from your stories I NEVER would have made it. You gotta explain the clothes, though. White coats and green cotton pants have always been a mystery to me.

4:29 AM  
Blogger The Mature Student said...

Brilliant. Love your Blogs, they brighten up my day. What the hell you gonna do when you qualify? You won't be able to call yourself "Fake Doctor" then will you?

5:47 AM  
Blogger High Power Rocketry said...

Ugh new topic plz :)


7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You remind me of a time in ER when I needed to do a vaginal exam followed by a rectal exam. A nurse called out to me just as I was about to proceed to the rectal exam. My over-tired brain was just registering that something was odd about the rectum when the patient said, "Doctor, that's my vagina." Needless to say, I apologized.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Just Me said...

I like the way you write. You're very natural. And funny. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure you'll make a great doctor because you're real.

8:47 AM  
Blogger The Smith Family said...

As a student midwife who performs paps all the time, and as a woman, I feel your pain!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Wendy C. said...

Be sure to hold on to the speculum during the exam! An OB doc who I once worked for was so confident (and chatty) during exams that he would let go to reach for items from the tray (or talk with his hands.) Well, after inserting the speculum during a routine pap test, he let go (because he was talking with his hands) and said something which made the patient laugh…causing her to expel the speculum with such force that it shot across the floor of the exam room!

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is "OH MY."

1:25 PM  
Blogger Etwan News said...

OK, a bit witty and I do think it is good you have this vent. I hope this is your venting and not representative of you bedside manner. I was once a medical student myself but left that after 3 1/4 years--didn't have a support network and just couldn't deal with the stress. Most of my cohorts were concerned with money and bothered by humans with problems and I couldn't understand or identify with that.

I am wondering if you had considered that the "vaginas for hire" might actually 1) need the money, 2) want to improve women's health, 3) teach you about the cultural/personal diversity in what it means to be clean?

On that last point could you possibly list the criteria you have come to know (your fund of knowledge must be huge by now) about the clean vagina and whether or not such criteria offer health advantages to the clean vagina keepers.

All the best!

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, and while I am not in the medical field (though, with all the colorful experiences I've had, I feel like I may as well be), I think your blog is awesome. And hilarious. I think I love you. In a non-stalkerish way, of course (that's what they all say).

1:38 PM  
Blogger If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

hehehehehe......my best read in a long time.

a girlfriend went to a gyno for the first time ever a few weeks back. gyno asked her to lie down. she lay down and automatically pulled down her panties and opened her legs as she had observed on some tv shows. gyno turned, gave a strange look, and then gently put his hands on her knees, and said "we don't always need that". proceeded to examine her from the outside.

i guess embarassment exists on both sides of the parallel universe.

jewish eh?

2:14 PM  
Blogger M to the E said...

As a fellow med student, however, a year behind you, we just completed our professional vagina and penis exams as well. Good times for all, especially for my vagina that had to endure my inability to master the speculum. As for my partner, when he was face deep in the professional testicles, my other partner told him to "not blow it." I just discovered your blog and it is freaking funny, well done. I am glad to find there may still be people out there, in medical school, who don't have the personality of a rock. And on a final note, after having to find both the cervix and clitoris (which I swear my lady had extra labia) for the first time, I do take my hat off to you guys...that shit is hard work.

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if your patient suffers from the same "condition" I do. Talk about trouble finding the hole, inserting a tampon was a delicate operation from first to last. It seems the women in my family suffer from a vaginal canal with a kink in it, and the men in our family suffer from its counterpart, the crooked penis. From what genetic mutation does this come?

My daughters are starting to think they come from a family of freaks. We thought the inside of a mouth was structured the same for everyone. Who knew that big lump hanging from the back of the roof of our mouths was not the norm. How did we end up with all of those extra bones around our teeth?

It seems that the human body is actually capable of amazing variation. How was that handled in your anatomy classes?

Best of luck. Keep up your posting.

11:19 PM  
Blogger CamberwellBeauty said...

I love your blog, just came across it randomly. I always wondered what it was like to be an Obs and Gynae doc, what with having been on the receiving end here in Britain having had three children. Anyway, you are obviously very funny and intelligent and I will continue to read and enjoy your blog.

1:45 AM  
Blogger kml said...

Ah the wonderful world of PAP Smear's!

One tip of advice - work on the speculum insertion and placement. It is by far the most uncomfortable part.

Just imagine your most vulnerable parts (at least for me, since I dont donate mine for science) out for the whole world to see, poke with an instrutment not created by nature and then have a little cotton swab take some cells. Umm... yeaaahhh! I look forward to it every year.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Robinita said...

Wow, That's a lot of comments. Just put that "I can't find..." in the don't say it place along with "Oops!"

10:48 AM  
Blogger Kidney Girl said...

What EVER you do...

If you are performing a pap on a woman and she jumps a little and yells, "Ouch! Damn that HURT," please do not come back with, "Eh, that shouldn't have hurt at all!" in a super snooty tone.

I was so pissed I asked my old, pasty reservist male Doc (fam practice - not even a gyno), "When was the last time you had your vagina scraped? I bet it would hurt if you shoved that thing up your urethra and scraped it around a little!"

It really hurt so bad I had tears streaming down my cheek and he didn't even apologize. The guy looked about 65-70 years old too.

On a happier note, One time after a swabbing of some sort during my third trimester, my male gyno was looking at the slide under a microscope right there in the office. He asked how long I had been in Japan for and I said, "Only a week. My husband got out here like 5 months before I did."

It got quiet for a second.

"Oh that's why I see all that dust in here!"

LOL!!!! I was shocked and dying of laughter at the same time.

Good luck! :D


6:33 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Wish I had some advice for you, but even though I've had three kids your link was the first time I've ever seen a cervix, lol!!!

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just found your blog and now am reliving my medical school memories. I considered becoming a gynecologist at one point during 3rd year even though my sex drive was totally diminished during that rotation (as pointed out to me by my girlfriend then). Ultimately I decided I didn't want to work where other men play, and went into cardiology instead.
Keep up the good work... very funny and insightful.

10:35 PM  
Blogger The Great Speckled Bird said...

I must have some warped sense of humour ... your baby delivering and gynecology posts made me laugh as hard as I'd laughed in ages.

Please keep up the good work, and if you get sick of medicine you may want to take a stab at writing.


5:12 PM  
Blogger singleinboston said...

You're a freaking awesome writer....you should consider turning yoour blog in for publication because iknow you'd make some good money.i'm hoked on it.Maybe you can help me find my hole...just kidding.if you read my blog you'll get the joke. keep writing-amazing diction and language!

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you going to med school. You must have very demanding parents that don't let you make any choices for yourself, like picking a profesion that you actualy enjoy. I'm so glad I hate going to the doctor after reading this, why would I want some lame as with no convictions telling me that they think I should just take some pill from this enormous pharmacutical that takes dub-ass doctors that can't form an inteligent thought because their heads are full of extranious information, and tells them this pill is good so they push it on their patients like... DRUG DEALERS. If you're so frustrated quit. or get over yourself, you're a doctor you dont come first your patients do

1:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO-- one of my preceptors once declared upon removal of the speculum following a Pap collection, "Looks great! Clean as a whistle!" OMG. She realized what she said and nearly fell dead on the spot. I, on the other hand, giggled uncontrollably. Thank goodness she was a "regular" patient of the client.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this is years late but I had to comment. While working in a small Er a young woman came in post bar-closing at 0230 with a large inflammed bartholins gland. After prepping her in the GYN room I woke up our 6'6" ER doc. He came shuffling up the hall in his scrubs and house slippers that had head-lamps on them all aglowing. He introduced himself to the young lady, sat in the rolling chair, positioned himself between her stirruped legs, tapped the inside f her thigh with the back of his hand and kindly said "Now open up and say aah." The poor girl in stirrups and i both spit out our teeth laughing while he finished up the pelvic. When I woke the Dr up at shift change that am he had no recall whatsoever about the entire incident. All he could say was "Oh shit! Rally? Please tell me you're joking. And she laughed?? Oh God I hope she doesn't sue me!" I don't know which was funnier-the actual incident or the look on his face when I told him what he said.
BTW, he is a wonderful ER doc with many years of experience.

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