ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Ask The Fake Doctor 4

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Ask The Fake Doctor 4

It's Thanksgiving, and by some freak occurrence I have been given a whopping four days off to ponder what I am thankful for. Since that moment coincided with the realization that I am still miserably alone, I thought I'd delve into my mailbag and answer some of the questions I have received by you, my glorious readers. As always, these are direct quotes from people who live, work, and breath among you, so feel free to be as eerily unnerved as I am after having gone through them. Once again, I would like to encourage you all to write in and ask your questions (again, naked photos always appreciated), and I promise I’ll try my best to get back to you when I’m not too busy saving lives.


Does dating oh-so-spoiled Jewish girls give you a better appreciation of pediatrics? ;) Oh, wait, you don't date! ~smirk~
-D.K.

I may not be a very smart man. I am terribly un-smooth around women I actually like. And I am often simply lacking in basic common sense. However, being raised as the middle child sandwiched between two Jewish sisters, the son of one Jewish mother, and the eventual future husband of a Jewish wife (although, let's face it, at the rate I'm going that's not happening anytime soon), I'm going to conjure up any wisdom I have left and…umm…well…I’m not touching this one with a ten foot pole. That said, I would love, LOVE, to hear what any of the women in the audience have to say in response to this question.


I feel so sorry for you going to med school. You must have very demanding parents that don't let you make any choices for yourself, like picking a profession that you actually enjoy. I'm so glad I hate going to the doctor after reading this, why would I want some lame ass with no convictions telling me that they think I should just take some pill from this enormous pharmaceutical that takes dumb-ass doctors that can't form an intelligent thought because their heads are full of extraneous information, and tells them this pill is good so they push it on their patients like... DRUG DEALERS. If you're so frustrated quit. Or get over yourself, you're a doctor you don’t come first your patients do.
-Anonymous

Ladies and gentlemen, I just got served. Well played.


Being a med student I think you'd find this amusing. Monday I ran into a concrete wall at full speed playing handball. Broke my two front teeth wide open, fractured my orbital roof, and suffered from a minor concussion. If you ever need an idiot to talk about in one of your up and coming blog entries, I could definitely be your man. Oh I attached a picture of me all fucked up and I picture of my CAT scan (my hospital put it on disc so I can view it at home, it's soooo god damn cool)
-K.J.

Let me direct you all to the first Ask The Fake Doctor post, specifically to the part where I wrote "Naked pictures of hot, sexy, Jewish females will, of course, remain for my eyes only. So feel free to send them. Please." Perhaps I wasn't clear enough, as evidenced by this email. All that aside, and realizing that what I am about to say is going to negate any lingering sense of respect any of you might have for me (this of course makes the grand assumption that there was some respect in the first place), but I swear to you all I have not stopped laughing at this picture since I received it a little while ago:
I mean I hope this guy is OK and all, and I appreciate his willingness (even eagerness) to be made fun of in a public forum…but just look at this! Christ, I’m going to hell.


A friend of mine said you were in Med School in Seattle. I told him he was crazy. But now I see this post on Sir [Mix-A-Lot], who is from and lives in Seattle. I am aware that Sir can and has, uh, toured, but it seems like he enjoys local venues more. Can you settle this argument?
-Anonymous

Yes, I can. The mystery shall be revealed. After confirming with multiple sources, I can assuredly state that, yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot does in fact enjoy local venues more. I hope that settles your argument.


Mmmmm...I love medical students. I didn't jump on the Med Student Love Train until after I finished nursing school and landed a job with a huge teaching hospital. They taste just like chicken.
-Heather

Where is this love train and how do I get on it? No seriously, where the hell is it? If anyone would like some Kosher chicken, you know where to reach me. [Cue drums]. It’s now official, I have now lost any shred of dignity I may have had left pulsating through my veins.


I know my OB/GYN too well to ask him this...And no it's not a medical question. As a doctor would you prefer your patients to be "well kept" or like the "Amazon"?
-M.L.

As a doctor (putting aside the small, insignificant detail that I am currently not a doctor), I'd have to say that while it technically doesn't matter one way or the other, keeping things well kept really makes it easier to do things like place the speculum without getting it painfully caught on some hairs and having you, the patient, give us the evil eye, or do other external genitalia examinations geared towards maintaining your health. It also gives us less things to laugh at while you are under general anesthesia. But, perhaps most importantly, I would imagine that keeping your vagina well kept just makes it easier on your partner. I mean seriously, from what my female friends have told me, most guys couldn't find the clitoris if there was a ten foot neon sign pointing directly to it, so I would imagine that an Amazonian rain forest (c'mon, I dare you to click on that) further obscuring the view would make things even more difficult. But I could be wrong here. Just so we’re clear, you were talking about vaginas, right?

What keeps the inside of those membranes around the fetus sterile during pregnancy?
-Ambivalent

Woooooooah there, partner. You must have me confused for someone who either a) knows something about medicine or b) pretends like he or she knows something about medicine. Perhaps you haven't read much of what I write, but I'm not here to actually answer any real medical questions, if only because I usually don’t know the answer. I'm simply here to provide a little window into a life a whole bunch of overachievers seem to want but none really understand. Well, unless you're talking about the benefits of oral sex, in which case I have the scientific evidence to prove it! That said, my best guess would be the tight junctions between the cells that make up the amniotic and chorionic sacs are sufficient to promote sterility from the outside world, and the fluid within the sac is already immunologically privileged by cell barriers similar to the blood-brain barrier and remains sterile in that way. For those of you in certain regions of the country, the previous sentence can be equally summed up as "Jesus did it."


Are you still single? How on earth have you managed not to be snapped up?
-N.M.

I think I'm just going to make it obligatory that I throw one of these kinds of emails in these posts until I get a girlfriend (or two or three).


And finally...

Not to be morbid, but your blog brought back fond memories of a coworker who killed himself this year. He was a third year med student and had a similar sense of humor to yours. He was a great guy. I still miss him. Thanks for poignantly making my day.
-A.W.

Umm…you’re welcome?

50 Comments:

Blogger one4JC said...

Never at a loss for words are you? And yes "Jesus did it" was a pretty good answer. Too bad you want a "jewish girl"

4:47 PM  
Blogger Kevin Jordan said...

Wow, it's a surprise to see my picture in your blog! =D

For the record people I'm OK!

Oh and Mr. Fake Doctor if you need pictures of naked women I can definitely forward you a few links, I'm sure there is something out there exclusively featuring Jews or even JAPs! =P

5:04 PM  
Blogger Kevin Jordan said...

Oh, and it's also very humbling to know the name of the file for my picture is 'freak1.jpg'

=)

5:19 PM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

As usual, I laughed out loud as I read your post. But, I swear I laughed a little harder this time than I have previous times.

"Monday I ran into a concrete wall at full speed playing handball. Broke my two front teeth wide open, fractured my orbital roof, and suffered from a minor concussion. [I]f you ever need an idiot to talk about in one of your up and coming blog entries, I could definitely be your man."

WHO IS THIS GUY?!?!? He's too funny. And, you know what's even funnier? Right now, I just *know*, somewhere in this great wide world, that kid is emailing your post around to his friends like crazy. I can just imagine it now ...

"Yeah, dude, you know that Fake Doctor Guy with the Blog? Dude [insert a dramatic pause] he posted my picture on his blog!!! Yeah, dude!!! I'm serious. Check it out."

5:30 PM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

I'm a sloooow at typing (and I was on the phone). By the time that I hit the "Login and Publish" button, the two comments above (from kev-jor) had already appeared. I'm gullible, but that's not really YOU is it?

5:36 PM  
Blogger Masha said...

Mouhahahaha... You dare to click on the link, I did. Are you, by chance, making an allegory between the amazon forest and pubic hairs (duhh....) and well, the swampy green-brownish icky river with...hum...women's inner genitalia? That's a lovely, poetical image. I think I'll go sleep on it for some time....(it is half past two in the morning here, anyway)

Keep up the good work :)

(Did I mention I was Jewish? and single? albeit on the other side of the world, but hey, nobody's perfect!)

5:37 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

kevin-
haha that freak1.jpg was an accident. and by accident i mean i saved that picture to email to my friends when i was drunk.
i hope youre newfound celebrity status helps you get more women (not to imply that you couldn't get any before, but any publicity is good publicity)
-tfd

5:38 PM  
Blogger A~ said...

Funny as always!

-A.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Kevin Jordan said...

To Stolie- Yes that's me and I'll be sure to give The Fake Doctor a series of pictures that show the progression of my wounds since day 1.

The Fake Doctor- I don't need random internet idolization... Well if anyone wants to idolize my stupidity and poor judgement in distance to said wall that's there prerogative... But as for women, geez, they are all over me at school. No matter how nerdy they always go to the ones with the battle scars (of course they disperse after I tell them I lost a fight to a concrete wall)....

5:44 PM  
Blogger Ryann said...

ok, just for that smashing into walls story.. I'm going to start sending you medical questions and weird stories from the stripper world. there sent. ha I did.

5:46 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

right on, kevin. go get some ass.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Are you accepting applications for the position of Mrs. Fake Doctor? Nothing is sexier in a man than a fabulous sense of humor. I'm single, smart, cute, Jewish and guarantee that your parents will love me!
- Sara (pixi311@aol.com)

8:03 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

You actually make me laugh out loud as I sit here alone at my computer! Since you said you look like Chandler Bing, I kinda picture you acting like him as well, (since he was the funny guy too). Please tell...how old are you? btw, Matthew Perry is cute ;)

9:04 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

never mind, just realized i could view your profile...duh!

9:11 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

it's thanksgiving, eh?
a bit late i say. thursday. saturday.

ahaa well, no bother
these question-comment posts are always entertaining. this time complete w/pictures (or picture) even!

aw.. freak1.jpg



my last year's ap bio course just barely allowed me to understand that sterile fluid in the amniotic sac statement. yes!
isn't it amazing how women can even have babies in the first place? the baby is a foreign object (being? tissue mass?.. argh) and our immune system rejects anything foreign. (graphic images on the "Medical Items Left Behind" video) the markers and sac protect the baby though. (i don't remember all the details. :[ )AMAZING!!!

1:42 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

I find that last comment from "A.W." to be hilarious. Even if that guy who killed himself bears an eerie resemblance to you... he didn't have a blog, did he? If he did, we should find out what his very last post was... That way, if you ever post something similar, we know we have to intervene...

You must have done your undergrad in Seattle, then... weren't you an undergrad when you saw Sir Mix-A-Lot in concert?

5:38 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

I still think that the one who flamed you is a lame-ass stupid screaming weiner from hell.

and that's as well-played as I can make it. I'm not going to bitch about health or ask you what to do about it.

and you probably don't care cuz I'm a taken Catholic girl anyway, ha ha. But your blog is funny, and I do genuinely enjoy it.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Chole said...

funny... i look forward to the next post..
and
KEVIN---goofy boy.. im glad that you own up to your gracefulness... everyone loves a dumbass... (i mean this as a compliment.. i too do supid things.)

4:34 PM  
Blogger Jetting Through Life said...

Wow!! I didn't think you'd actually answer my question!! I am flattered and um... embarassed! Guess it kinda sets the record straight, I think.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Anhoni Patel said...

Hilrious. You should make a regular column out of your comments.

p.s. your blog seems to have turned into a dating service. you pimp.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Nics said...

I was hoping for your own sake that you wouldn't be single by the time you got round to reading my email. But never mind. Kevin, happy recovery!

2:03 AM  
Blogger Luci-ism said...

Kevin Jordan,
YOU ROCK lil buddy!!, & welcome to the club. Back in the day, I got my face smashed in at school too. Cruel white boys + a heavy fire escape door, & lil 12yr old girl equals...well not quite your kinda apocalyptic tragedy, but nevertheless gotten my jaw broken.

Pseudo Doctor,
Quit med school already, and help me write screenplays!! The next Grey's Anatomy WoOHoO (Nawh thats not kool enough). Party it up in Hollywood Hills where all the jewish actresses will flock to ya~

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why are most doctors such social dipshits? No, don't answer that, I already know. It's the profession.

12:26 PM  
Blogger lee said...

how would a doctor even get time to scratch himself,let alone date :).

3:17 AM  
Blogger Daphnewood said...

It really cracks me up when people get on your case. They say something stupid like "hey Fake Doctor, get over yourself!" or "hey Fake Doctor, get a new profession if you hate it so much!" I laugh my ass off (unfortunately not literally but big butts are appreciated on this blog) because these jerks are the ones that need to get over themselves. People who cannot laugh at life need to get the hell out of the way of those that can laugh. They need to go live in their drab, gray, humorless world while the rest of us enjoy laughing at them. Lord, I'm going to hell too at this rate

6:12 AM  
Blogger constance said...

Fake Doctor... are you surprised that your blog is s popular? you are semi-famous!! i mean, people are devoted to reading this thing!

8:49 PM  
Blogger GP said...

Brains, Humour, and Heart??? Darling, that is Something I rarely see here in my Med School in Malaysia. Very impressing!! Just remember u have a fan here from Asia. Rock on babe! Will `check you out' every now and then ...

1:39 AM  
Blogger cheesemeister said...

Great stuff. I'm glad Kevin (of the picture) is ok. Also, please don't get over yourself. Take it from a world-class whiner, bitch-fests are great fun. And you always do yours with such class. Feel free to whine anytime!
Peace.

2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

because i procrastinate a lot, i decided to read the beginning of your blog. you were so cute and earnest in your first year. and then i stopped reading after sep 03 so i have no idea how you got from there to here. i wanted to see if i know who you are (i graduated in 03 too)... but i don't. too many humbio majors. oh well.

a word of dating advice: don't count out the shiksas - it'll expand your dating pool exponentially. i'm a chinese girl who's dating a nice conservative jewish boy. if you try hard enough, you can get us to convert. it diversifies the hebrew gene pool, and if you're ashkenazy, it washes out tay-sachs too.

2:32 AM  
Anonymous JK Gilmore said...

I do not know why I want to know what city you are in but I do especially now that someone pointed out that you might from Seattle do to your Sir mix-a-lot (not the best thing to come out of the seattle area and I guess not the worst) comment. I too am from Seattle and actually know a nice Jewish girl, she just got married but does actually have Jewish friends. Hmmmmm.... Well not that I would hook someone up with a random fake doc blog writter but the question is still out there are you in Seattle? Running in to you out at a bar would crack me up.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Ms. M said...

Hey Fake Doctor, you are looking for a jewish girl, smart, good sense of humour and appreciates yours? One word: Canada. I would love to host a party in your honour and will invite all my cute jewish friends. My blog has gone off on a weird tangent these days, so don't judge me based on that! If you would like to do a rotation in TOronto, I assure you there would be a plethora of nice, cute, funny, jewish dating potential!

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi!
I like your story.
But you'd better take a look here to find a really DIFFERENT dating site.
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You can also find my pics and more about me on my page www.livedatesearch.com/jessica
Read more about me or drop me a message from there.
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Jessica

6:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

right so, while clawing my way into the now 4th year of medical school, I stumbled upon the fact that a human beings ovaries start to "decay" in DNA content around the age of 25. I recently hit 24. There is no HRT for this phase. I know you are jewish...I am muslim. They are, in essence, the exact same thing. You say kosher, I say halal...but everybody wins. You should post your digits.
Later ;-)

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