ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: At Least I Thought I Liked Big Butts: An Introduction To Pediatrics

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

At Least I Thought I Liked Big Butts: An Introduction To Pediatrics

(Before you start dialing the sex-offender hotline, please read the whole thing. I'm really not that sick. And little kids don't even have big butts, silly!)

Only three days into my pediatrics rotation, a rotation in a speciality I had long figured I would end up doing based on my initial motivations to go to medical school, and I can't help but liken these first three days to a memory near and dear to my heart. The weeks I spent working with special needs kids at an incredible camp? The mornings I spent as a child playing catch with my father? The minutes I spend on a regular basis with my imaginary girlfriend? No, no, and...umm...no. In reality, my first three days of pediatrics have reminded me of a very unique evening in my life, one wrought with a turbulent flow of emotions centered around a powerful, almost ethereal human being, a person so talented in his abilities to mix lyrical genius with musical rhythm that he has quite literally changed the social habits of millions of human beings worldwide. By now you must have figured that I am referring to Sir Mix-A-Lot:

My undergraduate institution, nestled in the eerily and disturbingly calm serenity that is suburbia, often sponsered various events to make us feel like we were special. One such event was a "mausoleum party" on Halloween, full of music (and student-provided drinks) to help us dance the night away literally on top of the graves of the people who founded the university. Classy, I know. Anyways, during my freshman year there was an extra buzz around this event because the legendary Sir Mix-A-Lot, he of instant music fame with his soulful rendition of "Baby Got Back", was purported to be performing live. So on the night of the party, my dorm friends and I were especially excited as we made the trek out to the mausoleum (what, you didn't actually think the founders buried themselves on campus?), and we arrived relatively early, everyone in costume. I donned my usual last-minute costume, where I just scribble a sign saying "Hi I'm Matthew Perry" and tape it to my shirt, and stood in the crowd, filled with anticipation to finally hear this classic song live.

However, something strange started happening once Sir Mix-A-Lot and his merry band of singers took the stage. Rather than play the song everyone was desperate to hear, they started rapping songs no one had ever heard of, songs no one was interested in hearing. It was beyond boring, and people were getting disappointed. At least half of the undergraduate body, numbering in the thousands, had shown up wanting to hear this one song, and we were instead being subjected to Mr. Mix-A-Lot singing about his "pain cock" (yes, such lyrics actually exist in one of his songs) while drunk coeds were being invited on stage to dance with some of the crew.

Eager anticipation turned to boredom, and boredom eventually turned to anger. People started chanting for big butts, throwing things, jumping on stage. After about ten songs, which is about nine more songs than I figured Sir Mix-A-Lot ever recorded, he eventually caved and started performing "Baby Got Back". At first, everyone, including myself, cheered loudly. At last, our dreams had been fulfilled, we were finally listening to what we wanted to listen to, what we had waited patiently for all this time to listen to...

Except, when we finally listened to this song, performed live by the original artist, we realized that, well, it kind of sucked. Actually, it really sucked. It sucked so bad that people started getting more angry, more people started jumping on stage, more drunk girls started piling onto the crew of rappers, and a riot almost broke out before the concert was quickly terminated and everyone had to disperse quickly. However, by that point no one cared, because we were all so disappointed with the boredum and futility at hand.

And that's how my first three days of pediatrics have been. See, wasn't that much more fun than me just saying how unbelieveably bored I am, having seen a whopping one patient over the past three days? Oh, it wasn't? Well I tried.

Just to clarify, I still like big butts.


Blogger SaraSmile said...

You like big butts? Even if they're big shiksa butts? If so, I still have a chance!!!

5:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hehe...good analogy! Its gotta get better from here on in...right?


5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the disclaimer at the beginning. Very clever.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love the post... u never fail to keep me entertained... and btw... that "big butts" link at the end of the post... thats just.. just.. wow ... :)

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yet another entertaining and well crafted post. And holy cow! I wasn't expecting that big butt link to go to that! I feel much better about my ass now, thanks Doc!

7:39 PM  
Blogger Daphnewood said...

speechless this time :)

7:44 PM  
Blogger Sneha said...

Paeds is admittedly not as good as one would originally think. I'm a fifth year medical student in Australia and, like you, my initial motivation to do medicine was to be a paediatrician. Having done my paeds rotation, that is no longer the case. I still love children, but it's just not the same. Neonatology is wonderful though...induces the same sorts of feelings as obstetrics does.

Love your blog, read it regularly. You are a GREAT writer! Thanks for getting me through this painful swotvac (I have barrier exams coming up in a week). :)

8:04 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Man, you sure took a long route to get to what was...actually...a pretty damn good analogy! Well done! Hey, the first few days of Peds could have been worse. They could have been like some other crap novelty song like "Born to be Alive" or "Bang The Drum All Day".

8:09 PM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

oh man, i had to laugh at this one!!! Also, I have to add this ~ My husband and I have the Eternal Dispute going on, where-in I complain that my butt looks/is/is getting big/bigger/humongous, etc., & he claims that no, he happens to like it just the way it is, etc, etc, etc, & I say don't patronize me... you get the picture. So, while my butt isn't that big, it still does my heart good to see that perhaps, just maaaayyybeee, he isn't lying, or trying to make me feel better.... maybe he really means it.... I didn't think guys liked big butts for reals...lol

I guess I stand corrected.

Oh, and it being a ped post, I stupidly assumed the link would be safe ~ opened it with my son standing there, ( age 7) he was like ~ whoooaaa, that's some serious booty, huh mom? ~

I am still red to me ears.

9:15 PM  
Blogger cat said...

While this comment doesn't quite apply, I do recall your previous mention of "pimping the medical student" a while back, and I thought you enjoy a look at this blog, published by a man who, though your senior, posts a similarly entertaining account of his harried path through the medical world. i give you (if you have not already been exposed, "the cheerful oncologist":


10:16 PM  
Blogger Transcience said...

Yeah, funny how the university stopped throwing this party after that. I think Mix only played 4 songs, though. He kept telling people he had a Benz, too.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Poor Sir Mix-A-Lot. Never was taken very seriously. He's from Tacoma, which is a half-hour away from Seattle, where I go to school, and a half-hour away from Olympia, where I was raised. About 6 months ago, he was on a Seattle alternative radio station (107.7 The End) on their Thursday Music Challenge. This airs every Thursday on The End's "Morning Alternative" program and pits 2 local quasi-celebrities against each other in a musical duel. Each must pick a song, sing it, and the winner is chosen by the listeners.

All that to say, that Sir Mix-A-Lot was on the show and up against some other random, faceless, B-list celebrity, who happened to get to sing first. His song? "Baby Got Back."

Sir Mix-A-Lot's song? I don't remember, but it doesn't matter. He LOST the competition! TO HIS OWN SONG.

Needless to say, he demanded a rematch, and was subsequently awarded one some weeks later, which he ended up winning. But the damage had been done.

Doc, I wish you a lot more success than Mix could ever dream of having.

3:36 AM  
Blogger mo** said...

Ah...I was aiming for pediatrics too...now you've go tme worried. I guess I still have time (still in 1st year!) Good luck and keep writing you inspire me :)

3:43 AM  
Blogger desiree said...

That last link! My eyes! My eyes!
Thanks for the confidence booster, though!
Sorry pediatrics is so slow. Maybe it'll get better? At least you'll know that you won't have a choice #1.b.

6:19 AM  
Blogger greeneggsandtam said...

you are so funny. i had no interest in medicine as i think im afeared of doctors but you my friend are funny. cunning linguist now. it sounds vaudvillian. ahh it makes my day.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Kate Mc said...

I must say I'm not a huge fan of children to begin with... so pediatrics wouldn't even remotely appeal... I mean, I study infanticide in 16th century England, for pete's sake...

That being said, you continue to make me laugh on a regular basis, so thanks for that.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

So silly!

12:44 PM  
Blogger The Red said...

Anyone who can liken a peds rotation to Sir-Mix-A-Lot is a freaking genius. Well done, Faker - gold star for you :o)

BTW - don't ever become this doctor, no matter what.

12:45 PM  
Blogger punchberry said...

Ah, to be a one hit wonder. I always thought that it was a sweet deal, as long as you go with it. All that fame for just one song. But when they keep trying to "come back" it is kind of sad.

Anyway, I love your blog.

1:07 PM  
Blogger dr-exmedic said...

You should get down on your knees every night and pray to Yahweh that your peds rotation stays boring...because if kids + hospital doesn't equal boring, it's usually the kind of way too damn exciting that you don't want.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Guri said...

I should know better than to look at your links. :P
But the good thing is I am now quite pleased with my own butt. That's good. So I guess a thank you is in order, Mr Fake Doctor :)

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoa! this is freaky! A friend of mine said you were in Med School in Seattle. I told him he was crazy. But now I see this post on Sir, who is from and lives in Seattle. I am aware that Sir can and has, uh, toured, but it seems like he enjoys local venues more. Can you settle this argument?

4:37 PM  
Blogger Kevin Jordan said...

Wonderful analogy =)

Being in 10th grade I every so often get the question, "What do you want to be when your older?" For the last few years I've said I've wanted to study medicine, cool, but when they ask me what kind of doctor I always nonchalantly say Pediatrian... When I told my Pediatrian this he just laughed and me shook his head and walked away. I guess you helped me understand what he really meant!

Wonderful blog, been reading it for a month or so now =)

5:06 PM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

You know what's REALLY disturbing? I actually clicked on the "big butts" link at the end of this post. What's worse? It's nearly midnight and I'm going to bed very soon. I beg the dream gods, "Please don't let me see that woman in my dreams. Pleeeaasee ..."

8:33 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Ok, I have to defend Sir Mix-a-Lot here.
His first album ROCKED! Hello..have you never jammed to "Buttermilk Biscuits"? and ahem...the Pussycat Dolls should be paying him something for stealing the riff "Don't you wish your boyfriend was swass like me?".
I mean come on people "My Posse's On Broadway" is a CLASSIC!

Seriously, the man is a musical genuis. Underated. It's a damn shame. A damn shame.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Cie Cheesemeister said...

Sir Mix a Lot was a one hit wonder. But I still have to enjoy the fact that his song glorified women who are built like me!
Maybe I should change my screen name to the Buttmeister?
Nah...people might get the wrong idea!
Naughty By Nature are fun in concert, FYI, if you want to see an old school rap band that gets a little down and dirty!
Still the Cheesemeister

11:44 PM  
Blogger Anhoni Patel said...


2:07 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Hey (less and less) fake doc! Forget Sir Mix a Lot and big butts. What I wanna hear more of is that special camp you did with special needs kids.

Awww, can't we have another moving post (like the incredible beauty of new life?) I swear, I won't think you're lame.

2:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great analogy, Fake Doctor! Maybe you should consider a specialty that combines pediatrics with a surgical specialty. My son went to a pediatric orthopedist after a sports injury and I thought that doc was Superman in the flesh!!
Whatever you choose, you're the man.

3:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i remember that party! except i left before he ever got to "baby got back." glad to hear i didn't miss out on much.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe The Fake Doctor is farther south on the west coast of the USA (not Seattle).

11:45 AM  
Blogger Unequivocal_Prowess said...

Glad to see that someone remembers 90s rap artists. I started the opening verse of "The Humpty Dance" yesterday and was left hangin' with crickets chirping in the background as my only comfort!

8:51 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Holy canoli! That is one GIGANTIC butt! and here I've been thinking that mine was way too big. Hah! Mine's probably "just right," to quote Baby Bear.

Thanks for the laugh!

7:03 AM  
Blogger Vin. said...

I too went to med school wanting to be a pediatrician. I learned only one fact on my peds rotation in med school and I will pass this on to you:

There are two types of people who go into pediatrics.

1. People that want to help children.

2. People who have no idea how to interact with adults.

Unfortunately, my peds rotation was spent dealing with people in group #2. What a waste of time.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Steven said...

Big bums!!! (Not) a nice picture with that last link.

Nice analogy of your boredom, mind. Angry at being bored, I think that's the first time I've heard that one.

12:05 PM  
Blogger Couz said...

I too, entered medical school with dreams of pediatrics in my head. Even worse... I was convinced I was destined to be a peds oncologist, thanks to a few too many years of volunteer work in the medical day unit of the local children's hospital.

Boy was I disillusioned to find that peds is just internal medicine on short people. And I hate internal medicine.

6:05 PM  
Blogger WestBerkeleyFlats said...

You didn't like "Posse on Broadway"? Man, what a poseur.

7:55 PM  
Blogger Dr Black said...

You haven't had any parents complain about you yet? You haven't REALLY tried paediatrics! (and yes, that's the correct spelling)

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does dating oh-so-spoiled Jewish girls give you a better appreciation of paediatrics? ;) Oh, wait, you don't date! ~smirk~

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't be hatin'

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You like big butts? And you still can't get a girlfriend? Huh...

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a bigg butt... Im black and when I was a young girl people teased me.But the truth about big butts if they are expecially pretty like mines Men from all wlks of like will follow you around peeping around corners just to see it. it does become a drag. But caucasian women somtimes think they is something wrong with having them. Obviously not. I remember pictures in women in the 18th century having dressed that were made to make them appear to have big sassy butts. FAce it big butts are very sexy and the garment industry has made millions off padded butts. So I will wag mines with pleasure folks. Its called being blessed.

2:30 AM  
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