ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Use Your Illusion

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Use Your Illusion

(Please note: while the pictures in this post are all medical in origin and detail the effects of an important medical and surgical condition, they are undoubtedly going to offend some people. So by putting this warning up here, I'm shifting any blame for your discomfort squarely on your shoulders. Nice job.)

Yesterday was long call day, which means our internal medicine team was admitting every dreadful walk of life that wandered into the ER and needed a hospital stay. After being given a notice by my resident to check out a new admit in the ER for renal failure, I was not particularly excited. Perhaps it was the fatigue, perhaps the knowledge of the work that lay ahead, or perhaps it was simply my utter distaste for smelling all those awful smells in the ER, but I was very hesitant. However, sacking up like the manly man that I am, I reattached my testicles to myself and marched on forward to the ER.

That's when I saw them...

They were the most magnificent things I had ever seen. Big, bountiful, yearning to be freed from the tight cloth that so cruelly repressed these enormous jugs, these fantastic melons, these glorious mounds of delight from exploding in a fit of pornographic ecstasy. Stunning. Awe-inspiring. Some would even call them beautiful. I found that, throughout the workup of this patient, I couldn't help but stare at those miraculous works of art, distracted by the sheer glory of their creation. How could I have been so fortunate as to receive an admission like this?

Of course, it came as some surprise to that these were, in fact, fake. Crafted not by the hand of God but instead by a more malicious force.

Yes, these supple jugs were in fact the unfortunate side effect of one man's longterm bladder and fluid herniation through his inguinal canal, which ultimately led to his kidney failure.

Wait, you know I'm talking about my patient's massively swollen scrotum, right?

If you would like to read more about acute renal failure, click here.
If you would like to read more about scrotal swelling, click here.
If you feel at all cheated by this post, then try a little harder when you're searching for porn on the internet next time. I'm trying to educate people about medical school, here. Jeez.
And if you're wondering what prompted this juvenile post in the first place (my sporadic fits of immaturity notwithstanding), I'll just say that sometimes, with today being a prime example, you witness things so emphatically and definitively depressing that you have to find some way of coping, and my way is manifested here.


Blogger MamaChristy said...

Reminds me of a latin saying that basically states if you are being lazy you must have balls that are too giant to carry around and that's your excuse.

See my college education was every bit as valuable as yours! :)

6:29 PM  
Blogger Pat & Reg said...


7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i refer to one of the doctors i work for as hangy balls. (because of what i could see when he sat across from me at meetings) but then i decided he really had no balls. i couldn't figure it out. this post enlightens me completely. he doesn't have big balls, they are just swollen. :) thanks! lucidkim

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHOA! This post has taugh me a valuable lesson about not reading your blog at work while other people are around!


8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ouch my virgin eyes! hehe
-miss anonymous

8:38 PM  
Blogger Margie the Pickle Princess said...

Yowza! That's disturbing. I would have immediately posted something like that on my blog, too.

You know, everyone makes fun of one of my friends because he purportedly has giant balls. I now hope he doesn't have a horrible medical problem. Thank you for bringing worry into my life. :)

9:13 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I will never forget the first patient I saw in nursing school with an enlarged scrotum. It was the most amazing, frightening and unbelievable thing I had (at that time) seen.

10:22 PM  
Blogger elizabby said...

Just a note that I hope you got consent from those balls to post them on the internet!

10:48 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh, yeah. Yet another reason I work in L&D. Although I guess some of those sights would freak out some people.

No giant nads, though.

1:03 AM  
Blogger GB, RN said...

That's funny...I damn near fell out of my chair.

What's not so funny is when you have to stick a catheter in that thing. You have to "coax" the penis to come out first.

Big nuts, but I have seen bigger...

5:56 AM  
Blogger Not this time said...

Dutifully, I clicked on the link re: scrotal swelling before asking this question: Was *this* man in pain?
Because... ow.

And, really? I'd love to see more photos such as these... well... it needn't always be of reproductive organs, but you know... it could be

6:37 AM  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor said, "Physics saves lives, because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

7:14 AM  
Blogger The Angry Frenchie said...

So, when you're in the ER, you've got your stethoscope, your ophthalmoscope, your student badge, your white lab coat, and... a digital camera?? Haha

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ack! Dude, I was eating my lunch at the time! (Silly me, I guess, especially after reading your "disclaimer" at the beginning. Ah well.)

2:55 PM  
Blogger lee said...

Brings new meaning to the song lyric"do your balls hang low";).Rhetorical question:is it possible for a ball bag to explode?Just wanted to have the fun of making any male readers wince and grimace.

5:05 PM  
Blogger genderist said...

And in nursing school you learn to make a nice little pillow for them out of washclothes or towels...

great post!

5:09 PM  
Blogger Suchie said...

did you take those pictures, or are they from a medical site? anything for the sake of learning, i say.

12:31 AM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so incredibly disturbed! Looking at that photo is like watching someone slip on the ice and fall on their ass because:

1. You know it probably hurts.
2. It's not pleasant to look at.
3. You want to laugh but you know you shouldn't.

Ewwww! And, now I have that horrible image of your patient's balls burned into the insides of my eyelids! Eeeeck. Excuse me while I go search for something pretty to stare at for a few hours. :)

2:30 AM  
Blogger Anu said...

I really didn't need to see this. Life as I knew it exists no more.

What does exist (thanks to YOU) are those images... All that is pure and good has been tainted by one careless post.


You've got a really cool blog. Aside from the disturbing pics of course.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Lamplighter said...

two words: Dear god

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phew ... for a moment there I was looking at the future of my implanted loveliness ... wait ... I probably still am. OK, let's change the subject NOW.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Sarge said...

Wow. I'm officially turned off from both sexes.


5:24 PM  
Blogger "Jet" said...

Gives a new meaning by AC/DC's Big Balls song... He's REALLY GOT BIG BALLS!!

Poor guy!

6:38 AM  
Blogger JLee said...

sadly, I can never look at balls again

7:54 AM  
Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

"Anonymous said...
WHOA! This post has taugh me a valuable lesson about not reading your blog at work while other people are around!"

One should also be careful about reading blogs around children!
By the way, EWWWW!

11:25 AM  
Blogger Doctor J said...

I had a patient several months ago with a cantaloupe-sized scrotum, and it stretched the skin out so much he started getting blisters because there was too much pressure for blood to flow into it!

It was quite foul, but the best part was that to relieve the pressure we took a needle, stuck it into his scrotum and drained 1.6 liters of fluid from it!!

2:53 PM  
Blogger lee said...

"can you tie them in a knot ,can you tie them in a bow"

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's not nice. Like another guy, I was eating.

Why are you all bitter and nasty today? Those balls really made you angry, huh? Did you have to touch them?

6:56 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Hey, thanks for this post! My friend who is in nursing school was telling me yesterday about one of her obese, bedridden patients, and how difficult it is to help him pee into a receptacle because his penis is so small compared to the rest of his body mass.

I was having trouble picturing what she meant, but I'm not anymore! Yikes!

7:58 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

It's where the expression, "all balls, no bat," comes from. Coined by a fellow nursing student trying to explain the delicate act that is urinating in a urinal when you are morbidly obese...or ketoacidotic, or retaining large amounts of fluid due to renal failre (seen 'em all...)


9:30 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

that had to hurt! ouch!

9:05 AM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

oohh, I remember at the tender young age of 17, having to make a little sling for a geriatric bongo balls patient. It was one of those defining moments in life.... Scared me to death, really, kept me a virgin for several more years... I was scared to death of male parts. At the time, I remember thinking ~wow~ if the balls can get THAT big, how big does the actual TOOL get? You know, one's first introduction to bare body parts should NEVER be in a geratrics ward as a lowly CNA...

11:51 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

hey.. just wondering is it ethical to post what you just posted?

1:25 AM  
Blogger Dana Lee said...

Too bad you can't just perform a scrotal ablation like you can with cats and dogs.

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh!

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure those aren't his actual patient's. Come on guys. It's called google.com images. Check it out sometime.

Fake Doc, those aren't your patient's balls, right?

9:14 PM  
Blogger Cie Cheesemeister said...

I feel for the guy. I took care of a patient who had scrotal swelling. Apparently his wasn't terribly painful and there wasn't much we could do for him other than apply ointment to make sure it didn't get excoriated from rubbing against his clothing.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, this subject reminds me of a joke that I happen to think is funny. But there are many who say I am easily amused.

A Scotsman comes to visit his friend in the United States. The American takes the Scotsman to a baseball game. The Scotsman is really enjoying himself, cheering on the runners. Then a batter comes up to the plate.
"Ball one."
"Ball two."
"Ball three."
"Ball four."
The batter walks towards first.
"Rrrrrun, ye bastard! Rrrrrrun!!!" shouts the Scotsman.
"He can't run," says the American. "He has four balls."
The Scotsman pauses for a moment. Then he shouts:
"Walk with pride, Mon! Walk with pride!"

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the scary thing about this pic is when you sleep with a guy and they have a set of those....how do you ask wtf is wrong with your nuts? True story and i can never look at balls the same anymore they scare the crap out of me

7:31 PM  
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1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm working in long term care. Going through school to be an RN. I had my first REAL medical experience helping someone with this condition just today. It is terrible and very painful.
I'm glad I was able to give him some level of comfort and was thankful for the training opportunity. One thing I know for sure, it's nothing to laugh about.

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