ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Bring It On

Monday, February 20, 2006

Bring It On

Laaaaadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, single attractive female Jews from all around the world, welcome to the one, the only, the greatest fight that the world will ever see. To my left, in this corner, standing five feet, two inches tall, weighing in at a reported one hundred and twenty pounds, the dominating, the powerful, the grotesquely disfigured Nurse Theresa!!! To my right, in that corner, towering six feet one inch into the atmosphere, weighing in at a…umm…soft but still muscular one hundred and eighty five pounds, the attractive, the moderately desperate, the boxer who would like the nursing community to know that despite his feelings towards this specific nurse and the fight that is to follow, he hopes that in the future, when he has garnered a longer white coat and thus more respect, the nursing community as a whole will consider dating him, the one, the ooooooonly, the...uhh...Fake Doctor!!! Without further ado, let the fight begin!

Ding Ding Ding!

Round 1

Nurse Theresa, toned and in shape, is clearly looking to pick a fight. The Fake Doctor, on the other hand, doesn't seem to know where he is right now, he seems disoriented, confused, unsure of what the hell is going on. Granted, this fight has begun at 6:30 AM, and we're not entirely sure he even has a clue he was supposed to be in a fight in the first place, but that's no reason we can't enjoy a good old fashioned ass whipping. The Fake Doctor makes the first move...by reaching for a patient's chart, his patient's chart, and...umm...well...doing what he's supposed to be doing - checking if any orders had been written the night before. Sorry folks, wish it was something more exciting. Nurse Theresa, watching the proceedings at hand and not impressed by the lack of masculinity displayed by the Fake Doctor, starts advancing, gliding closer and closer, all unbeknownst to the plucky young fighter. Then, without warning, Nurse Theresa raises her mighty claws and...
"Excuse me, but just who the hell are you and what are you doing with my patient's chart?!?"
"Give me that!"
Nurse Theresa violently grabs the chart out of the lowly medical student's hands.
"Now, who do you think you are?"
"I'm...umm...uhh...the med student taking care of this patient."
"Ya right you are, get out of my way!"

Nurse Theresa: 1 The Fake Doctor: 0

Round 2

Beaming with confidence, Nurse Theresa, circles around the ring, raising her fists in the air. The Fake Doctor, on the other hand, is still stunned from the sucker punch he just received and is staggering about, wobbling to and fro. Now surrounded by his entire team of superiors, the Fake Doctor tries to hold back his embarrassment and frustration over the previous low blow and get on with his work. His resident instructs him to write some antibiotic orders for his patient, so the Fake Doctor glides around the ring to grab the chart before Nurse Theresa can find him. He writes up some orders, gets the appropriate signatures, hands the chart to the clerk, and returns to the doctors meeting room where his team has been waiting. Just as the Fake Doctor sits down, Nurse Theresa makes her second move of the fight. She barges in, drawing all of the Fake Doctor's superiors' attention, slams the chart loudly on the table, opens up the chart to the orders page, and throws a few strong punches to the abdomen and/or balls:
"Did you write these orders?!"
"Have you ever even seen the patient? Do you have any idea who this is?! I mean how you could write orders for someone to take oral pills when they're in his condition?"
The Fake Doctor's superiors all look at him, clearly disappointed.

Nurse Theresa: 2 The Fake Doctor: 0

Round 3

Still experiencing some severe ringing in his ears from the pounding he has received all morning, the Fake Doctor, beaten and bloodied, tries to find something to cling to, some lingering shred of dignity to grab hold of and claw his way back into this fight that was thrust upon him for no obvious reason. Nurse Theresa, now floating back and forth, bursting with energy, knows victory is within reach. She can taste it, much like she can taste the marinara she had for lunch, as remnants are still clinging to the moustache lining her upper lip. Meanwhile, the resident physician enters the ring and announces to the Fake Doctor that he is needed to perform an arterial blood gas (ABG) on a patient, a procedure that involves blindly sticking a needle into the man’s wrist and hopefully hitting an artery to get a blood sample. He instructs Nurse Theresa to get a kit for the Fake Doctor, so she takes one look at the Fake Doctor before shouting, rather loudly, “Hmm…he’s going to do it? I better get a few kits because he’s going to screw this up.”

Nurse Theresa: 3 The Fa-

Wait…wait just one second, ladies and gentlemen. As if rising from the dead, the Fake Doctor slowly crawls up from the humiliation thrust upon him, grabs the needle with his bloody, swollen fist, and thrusts it in the wrist of a poor unsuspecting patient. The audience gasps. The resident cringes. Nurse Theresa starts laughing, victorious in all her evi-…wait just a minute, everyone. Out from the small needle…I think I see it…there is the tiniest bit of…blood! He hit the artery! He hit the artery! On the first try! Nurse Theresa is in shock! Can you believe what you are seeing?!?

Nurse Theresa: 2 The Fake Doctor: 1

Round 4

As this stunning battle of the titans resumes, we are shocked that the Fake Doctor, totally unprepared early on, has fought his way back, stunning Nurse Theresa with a powerful blow in the last round. The Fake Doctor, relishing in that striking blow, has decided to take a break and is seen sitting by the computers. Nurse Theresa, still fuming at her sudden misfortune, rushes into the computer area and frantically informs the Fake Doctor that the results from the ABG show an incredibly high oxygen level. Before the Fake Doctor can explain why and save the Nurse from her ultimate downfall, she brushes him off with a “You wouldn’t know anything anyways!” and rushes to the senior resident.

His response?

“Of course it’s high. The patient is on 4 liters of oxygen. Do you even know who this patient is?!?”

Stricken by this fatal blow, only moments after suffering the previous embarrassment and perhaps weighed down by the guilt of inexplicably picking on a hapless, if ridiculously handsome young medical student for no obvious reason, Nurse Theresa starts wobbling, starts fading. And…she’s down for the count! Looks like she’s not getting up, folks!!! That’s it! It’s official!

In a horrible educational year of the improbable, the impossible has happened!*

Winner: The Fake Doctor, by TKO

*Sorry, I’ve always wanted to use that line in some way, shape, or form. By the way, my birthday is this Wednesday, so do this lonely fake doc a favor and please send all those hot naked pictures you’ve been saving up to thefakedoctor@gmail.com. Thanks a bunch.


Blogger GB, RN said...

By far the most hilarious thing I have read, aside from the buttsex story on Tucker Max.

Sounds like Nurse Teresa is just bitter because she is ugly and no good looking resident or med student would ever willingly date her...even if they were drunk.

Relish in your victory, Fake Doctor! This nurse stands proudly in your corner.

10:58 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:34 PM  
Blogger nurse pica said...

what a bitchy nurse...you need a sweet nurse, like me :) pity i'm catholic...

12:34 AM  
Blogger Kate Mc said...

Nicely done.

And happy b-day!

1:49 AM  
Blogger Charlie Batchelor said...

Well done - rejoyce in your victory and laugh at Nurse Teresa, it's the best thing to do in these situations. Vet nurses are no different either :)

Happy Birthday too

3:27 AM  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Good for you for getting the ABG on the first stick.

Appreciate your humor, and the turmoil you are experiencing as a med student. Can you imagine what Nurse Theresa is saying to her fellow nurses about the lowly med student? Makes her feel superior. Do you think she talks to the residents or attendings this way? Not!!!

These incidents will keep you warm and give you a good laugh when you are old and grey, and an old hand at doctoring. Hopefully by that time you will have found a nice Jewish girl to marry.

Have a very nice birthday tomorrow. Mazel tov.

4:41 AM  
Blogger golliwog said...

'bloody' hilarious, fake doc! your read was a great way to end the day...
having gotten completely bored with blogging, i still keep coming back to check your writings..
have a great birthday!

5:06 AM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Can I get that recap on Pay-Per-View?

Man, I'm so sorry, but it's true. Nurses can be the biggest biatches on the planet. And to think, I abandoned a career in Speech-Pathology ("No way! It's like, ummm, 96% female!Too catty for me!") for a bustling career in nursing.

Duh, duh and duh.

There are lots of fab, sweet nurses out there who don't attack med students for asking for things such as disposable tourniquets...for some reason, this is the biggest cause for Nurse-on-Student violence where I work. I have no idea why. And every night I have to turn to one of my collegues and say "Lady: they're f%*&ing disposable"

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As always Fake Doctor, another witty and entertaining piece of writing. You really should send a link of this blog to publishers everywhere. After all your ship won't come in unless to send one out first. Hmmm,... 6'1" and 185lbs.... makes me wish I were a single Jewish girl! Have a very happy b'day.

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can hear the roar of the crowd even now! Wonderful fight, Fake Doctor.

Please know that not all nurses are like Theresa. I'm so glad you stuck that ABG, it was just what she deserved.

Keep up the good work and the great writing. I love checking in here.

7:17 AM  
Blogger fkuds said...

Victory is yours!
Have a great B'day. Mine was two weeks ago!
I'm Hindu, so I guess I'm out of the race?

8:16 AM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

HILARIOUS. And, by the way, Happy [Early] Birthday!!!! :-)

9:04 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

You really MUST post more often, Fake Doctor! I know this medical school thing keeps you kind of busy, but come on....

As for your search for a nice Jewish girl, I hear Lisa Loeb is available, although maybe a bit old for you.

Happy birthday!

10:35 AM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

My poor impression of nurses was defined by one experience when I was merely a volunteer at Children's Hospital in Philadelphia. They mostly sat in their little kibitz room eating popsicles. When I asked if I could do anything to help, I was met with silence and blank stares until one suggested I go to another floor (insert snickers from staring nurses here). Lovely.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Random "Frequent Flyer" Dent said...

Well that was priceless--
I don't understand why people are like that...bah humbug to them I say.
Just keep on keepin, and Happy birthday!

*way to go on hitting the artery, I'm lucky if I can find someones radial pulse

11:22 AM  
Blogger UnsinkableMB said...

I feel like I was there... And I would have been cheering YOU on! Just keep in mind that some nurses aren't just mean to the medical students. Ever hear the phrase, "nursing is the only profession that eats their young"?

Happy Birthday! ;)


7:42 PM  
Blogger greeneggsandtam said...

She probably felt dumb.
I don't get why some people feel the need to shame the unsuspecting.
Q: b**ch? or gal having a bad day?
I'm guessing a little from column a and a little from column b. haha

8:54 PM  
Blogger Pat & Reg said...

Great post. I think I've received shots from some of those in Nurse Teresa's coven. Keep up the good work.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Emma said...

I usually read quietly, but it's your birthday, so happy birthday! :)

3:50 AM  
Blogger Steven said...

Happy Birthday to you - good to hear the stories are still as stron and funny as when I started reading. Have fun!

4:30 AM  
Blogger mallymoodle said...

This wouldn't happen to be the same nurse from the *Scrotal Existentialism* post, would it?

and happy brithday, hope you score some hot jewish chick (unfortunately, I'm chinky through and through)

4:32 AM  
Blogger L.Bo Marie said...

Happy Birthday FD.... thanks for bringing some joy to my morning!

5:32 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Sorry, I know you are hoping for some sympathizers, but since MY last post was about me versus doctor and me totally losing because obviously I am the Fake Nurse, I was happy to see this happens the other way around too :)

BTW, GREAT JOB on getting the ABG!! Whoo hooo!

8:51 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

BTW, you know I am just kidding right, LOL
You're the bestest


8:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you'd been in the ER with me last Friday when I was being "treated" for severe dehydration ... it took THREE nurses FIVE tries to get an IV into one of my veins ... but I think I make the needle-track-bruised-arms-junkie-whore look quite sexy, dont' you?

10:52 AM  
Blogger sadielady said...

happy birthday, fake doctor!

hilarious post.

3:35 PM  
Blogger HHD said...

She got her just desserts! Seriously, take her attitude up with her manager or patient care director. No one (patients, doctors, nursing staff) should have to put up with that kind of crap.
Happy birthday!

3:58 PM  
Blogger Transcience said...

Happy Bday, Dr. McFakey. When are you moving up with the heavyweights to battle the HMOs?

4:46 PM  
Blogger elizabby said...

Well done with the ABG! But do you really think this finishes it? She'll be ba-ack!

5:17 PM  
Blogger GamecockDoc said...

Awesome! Lesson 1 from my surgery resident: "watch out for nurses, they sabotage." he spent the whole rotation shaking his head at nurses and muttering "sabotage" under his breath.
Happy birthday!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Girliedydy said...

Thanks for the great laugh I needed it. I was dealing with a nurse today who drove me crazy. Happy birthday !!!

10:05 PM  
Blogger Erin Grey said...

happy birthday!!!

11:13 PM  
Blogger She who Haikus said...

Fake doctor you make
my day. Nurse Theresa blows
congrats on ABG.

Hot doctor you say?
Funny too? Oy vey a Jew?
You will find love soon.

Naked pictures I
Have not, but get a load of this
Haiku. It rocks right?

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy BDay dude (
Wishing you early in case I forget ) and thanks for giving me a nice company all these days ...

Anon ...

7:47 AM  
Blogger A. said...

yes, yes, one of the very best posts you've written. I love laughing at your blog. Happy Birthday.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh hilarious. You sure showed her! Hope you had a great birthday.

By the way...you should write a book or something. You're too funny.

2:32 AM  
Blogger Sarge said...

Requesting ring-side seats for next title bout, thanks!

Happy Bday!

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Cheering for you, man. I'm currently engaged in hostile actions against Eastern Europe (or a nurse from there abouts) She has a full compliment of scuds... err scut... but I'm developping my own arsenal.

Good on ya!

2:42 PM  
Blogger Nikki said...

Is that the trick to hitting the artery? Get some nasty nurse to tell you that you can't do it? Well done. :)

I have totally lucked out for my internal medicine rotation - the nurses are all awesome, and never call me stupid even when I ask really stupid questions. It's amazing. (Sorry. Salt in the wound, I know.) Anyways, you should come to Canada, both for the nurses and because there are a few very nice single Jewish girls in my class.

Just saying, is all.

Happy birthday!

12:31 PM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

excellent stuff doc~ you really are getting quite good at this you know~ just remember, the real way to get daer Nurse Theresa to do whatever you want, and treat you sweetly, is to flirt. Yes, that's right, flirt with her, shamelessly, and with any other nurses or hospital staff ( females only, you won't get much mileage outta the guys, I hope.....) don't mind how snasty disfigured they are, don't mind the mustache and hairlip, just flirt away... they will move mountains for you then, my dear! (You do know the fine art of flirt don't you? 92 yr old grannies will bring you cookies, mothers will beg you to kiss their babies, and little girls will giggle and want to hold your hand... it's all uphill when you're a flirt, dude~ )

4:43 PM  
Blogger Keith said...

Seems to me that, ultimately, Nurse Theresa is the loser because she doesn't have a well-known blog. Bravo. People need to learn to be nicer to other people. I mean, what is she trying to do? Make you dislike Nurses before you even get your (proverbial) wings? Dummy.

4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday. I love ur blog. Such a shame I'm not a hot and single Jewish girl =(. LOL!!

10:13 PM  
Blogger may said...

it doesn't matter that you are a student. what matters is the fact that just like her, you are a human being. do not let somebody step on your dignity like that again, okay?

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I study neuroanatomy, I at least got a good laugh out of this. Soon you'll have MD (more dumber) behind your name, and you can chew that stupid nurse a new asshole. Until then, hang in there.

7:17 AM  
Blogger One Sick Cookie said...

As a Lab Rat, I can totally relate to you. There are more nice nurses than bitchy ones, but damn, those bitchy ones have it down to an art form.
I especially love the ones who get nasty with me when I call them with a 'panic value'. Like it's my fault their patient is bleeding to death.

Love your blog! Happy Birthday (belated).

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Convince me to stop my premedical ways before kinetics and TCR receptors kill me

10:37 PM  
Blogger Eleanor Rigby said...

This was great! Just what I needed today. Awesome post -- as usual.

(p.s., I changed accounts, I was August Lioness before)

10:30 AM  
Blogger Marissa Engel said...

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who missed reading your posts. It's nice to have you back, but I guess you already knew that.

5:15 PM  
Blogger design42 said...

Happy belated birthday!

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how you must, no matter what, throw in some line of how sex deprived you are into every article you write. You’re a funny guy- you really are, but these repeated one-liners about girls sending you naked pictures are getting old. Has it ever worked? … Even once? Do yourself a favor and do either of the following: steal some kind of drug from the hospital and use it to date rape either a fellow medical student/nurse/or your roommate. Or B.) Take a walk down to the psyche ward and force yourself on some bi-polar teen, who’s allegations would simply be dismissed.


2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a fake doctor, could you please explain to me why so many nurses feel the need to completely and totally beat the shit out of med students/techs/anyone out without a BSN (which in my humble opinion stands for "Bullshit Nursing)? I mean, I'm a pretty good puppy dog; I can sit, lay down, stay, play dead, and I'm housetrained (most of the time). But I'm telling you, if those moustached pushy RN's keep coming over to me and beating me with a newspaper for absolutely no reason, eventually I'm going to bite back. The other day a BSN (BitchyShittyNurse) chased me down the hall accusing me of stopping the heparin pump on a patient-- which I had nothing to do with. I'm a tech, which means I don't take a piss without permission, plus I'm busy enough so that I don't feel the urgent need to run around the hospital randomly stopping patient IVs. She stood there screaming at me for something I didn't do, but that the PA did (and in my state, PA outranks RN any day of week), and all I could do is stand there, mouth gaped wide open and take that crap. So could you please explain why nurses feel they have to do this to other people? I just don't get it... is there a quota on the number of people they have to yell at before they can go home, look in the mirror, wink at their reflection, and declare themself omniscienct and soverign BSN? Please elucidate this issue for me.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite is always, "Buzzzzzzz." Intern calls back, "Yes, nurse." Nurse to intern: "Mr. X has an incredibly low BUN, what should we do?" Intern: "2 units of BUN, STAT!!!"

8:17 AM  
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