Bring It On
Ding Ding Ding!
Nurse Theresa, toned and in shape, is clearly looking to pick a fight. The Fake Doctor, on the other hand, doesn't seem to know where he is right now, he seems disoriented, confused, unsure of what the hell is going on. Granted, this fight has begun at 6:30 AM, and we're not entirely sure he even has a clue he was supposed to be in a fight in the first place, but that's no reason we can't enjoy a good old fashioned ass whipping. The Fake Doctor makes the first move...by reaching for a patient's chart, his patient's chart, and...umm...well...doing what he's supposed to be doing - checking if any orders had been written the night before. Sorry folks, wish it was something more exciting. Nurse Theresa, watching the proceedings at hand and not impressed by the lack of masculinity displayed by the Fake Doctor, starts advancing, gliding closer and closer, all unbeknownst to the plucky young fighter. Then, without warning, Nurse Theresa raises her mighty claws and...
"Excuse me, but just who the hell are you and what are you doing with my patient's chart?!?"
"Give me that!"
Nurse Theresa violently grabs the chart out of the lowly medical student's hands.
"Now, who do you think you are?"
"I'm...umm...uhh...the med student taking care of this patient."
"Ya right you are, get out of my way!"
Nurse Theresa: 1 The Fake Doctor: 0
Beaming with confidence, Nurse Theresa, circles around the ring, raising her fists in the air. The Fake Doctor, on the other hand, is still stunned from the sucker punch he just received and is staggering about, wobbling to and fro. Now surrounded by his entire team of superiors, the Fake Doctor tries to hold back his embarrassment and frustration over the previous low blow and get on with his work. His resident instructs him to write some antibiotic orders for his patient, so the Fake Doctor glides around the ring to grab the chart before Nurse Theresa can find him. He writes up some orders, gets the appropriate signatures, hands the chart to the clerk, and returns to the doctors meeting room where his team has been waiting. Just as the Fake Doctor sits down, Nurse Theresa makes her second move of the fight. She barges in, drawing all of the Fake Doctor's superiors' attention, slams the chart loudly on the table, opens up the chart to the orders page, and throws a few strong punches to the abdomen and/or balls:
"Did you write these orders?!"
"Have you ever even seen the patient? Do you have any idea who this is?! I mean how you could write orders for someone to take oral pills when they're in his condition?"
The Fake Doctor's superiors all look at him, clearly disappointed.
Nurse Theresa: 2 The Fake Doctor: 0
Still experiencing some severe ringing in his ears from the pounding he has received all morning, the Fake Doctor, beaten and bloodied, tries to find something to cling to, some lingering shred of dignity to grab hold of and claw his way back into this fight that was thrust upon him for no obvious reason. Nurse Theresa, now floating back and forth, bursting with energy, knows victory is within reach. She can taste it, much like she can taste the marinara she had for lunch, as remnants are still clinging to the moustache lining her upper lip. Meanwhile, the resident physician enters the ring and announces to the Fake Doctor that he is needed to perform an arterial blood gas (ABG) on a patient, a procedure that involves blindly sticking a needle into the man’s wrist and hopefully hitting an artery to get a blood sample. He instructs Nurse Theresa to get a kit for the Fake Doctor, so she takes one look at the Fake Doctor before shouting, rather loudly, “Hmm…he’s going to do it? I better get a few kits because he’s going to screw this up.”
Nurse Theresa: 3 The Fa-
Wait…wait just one second, ladies and gentlemen. As if rising from the dead, the Fake Doctor slowly crawls up from the humiliation thrust upon him, grabs the needle with his bloody, swollen fist, and thrusts it in the wrist of a poor unsuspecting patient. The audience gasps. The resident cringes. Nurse Theresa starts laughing, victorious in all her evi-…wait just a minute, everyone. Out from the small needle…I think I see it…there is the tiniest bit of…blood! He hit the artery! He hit the artery! On the first try! Nurse Theresa is in shock! Can you believe what you are seeing?!?
Nurse Theresa: 2 The Fake Doctor: 1
As this stunning battle of the titans resumes, we are shocked that the Fake Doctor, totally unprepared early on, has fought his way back, stunning Nurse Theresa with a powerful blow in the last round. The Fake Doctor, relishing in that striking blow, has decided to take a break and is seen sitting by the computers. Nurse Theresa, still fuming at her sudden misfortune, rushes into the computer area and frantically informs the Fake Doctor that the results from the ABG show an incredibly high oxygen level. Before the Fake Doctor can explain why and save the Nurse from her ultimate downfall, she brushes him off with a “You wouldn’t know anything anyways!” and rushes to the senior resident.
“Of course it’s high. The patient is on 4 liters of oxygen. Do you even know who this patient is?!?”
Stricken by this fatal blow, only moments after suffering the previous embarrassment and perhaps weighed down by the guilt of inexplicably picking on a hapless, if ridiculously handsome young medical student for no obvious reason, Nurse Theresa starts wobbling, starts fading. And…she’s down for the count! Looks like she’s not getting up, folks!!! That’s it! It’s official!
In a horrible educational year of the improbable, the impossible has happened!*
Winner: The Fake Doctor, by TKO
*Sorry, I’ve always wanted to use that line in some way, shape, or form. By the way, my birthday is this Wednesday, so do this lonely fake doc a favor and please send all those hot naked pictures you’ve been saving up to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks a bunch.