Fetor Assmaticus - Perhaps you have heard of Fetor Hepaticus, that distinct aroma emanated by the most chronic of liver failure patients. It tingles the senses, it frightens the mind, it challenges ones utmost abilities to suppress the frozen burrito you had for dinner last night. Now imagine taking a patient with that smell as a baseline, and then dumping a steaming pile of dog shit laced with yesterday's garbage, the urine you made after chowing down on all that asparagus, and a couple of rotting corpses, and you'll come close to experiencing the smell emanating from this species of patient. Overpopulating hospitals across the country and around the world, this species is known for the lowest standards in personal hygiene and the highest standards in personal lack of self-respect.
Entitlus Maximus - That noise you hear about every five to ten minutes is likely a loud shriek of complaint bursting out of the large mouths of these patients, who make up for their nonspecific and relatively benign conditions with enough whining about their care to make even the most generous of doctors and nurses want to slit their throats. This species is known for complaining about some of the more fundamental things in life, such as why the nurse won’t check on them every fifteen minutes or why the doctors actually change their management plan when they get new information about the disease. While this species has a predilection for being among the wealthier patients, they are also sometimes found in the essentially free county hospital system. Which of course makes this lowly medical student confused, because he is not only, as a student, paying a substantial amount of tuition money to pretend to be this asshole patient’s doctor, as a taxpayer, he is also paying a substantial amount of money to…be…umm…this asshole patient’s doctor. Excuse me while I throw up.
Buyus Aclueii – Beware this species, as its survival in spite of sheer idiocy of a magnitude not seen since, umm, I downed 14 sake bombs last night suggests a deep-rooted underlying cunning necessary for existence. Huh? Anyways, this species is known for showing up in clinic, any clinic, and then not having the slightest clue why they are there. ‘Sir, this is colorectal clinic, what brings you here today? Oh, that piece of paper told you to come? What about the massive hemorrhoid protruding from your anus?’ ‘Ma’am, what medications are you on? All of those? You realize that half of those bottles are of same drug, right? And you take one pill from each bottle?’ The truly fascinating aspect of this species is how its members are so resilient that their complete ignorance regarding their own health does not stop them from showing up to all sorts of appointments still clinging to life.
Denilus Aintjustariver – Unlike B. Aclueii, this species of patient is very aware of his or her disease state, cognizant of it’s potential complications, and appreciative of any care he or she would receive…should this patient ever get over the denial of having the disease in the first place and actually make it to the hospital. For that is the only explanation this taxonomist can come up with to describe this species of patient, after witnessing members of this species arrive at the hospital with a ten pound tumor in the testicle or a frightening full-body rash that has been there for, oh, say six months. Which makes one wonder, was it when the tumor got to ten pounds that triggered off the alarm in your head that it might be a good idea to check it out? 9 pounds not quite big enough for you? Was it when that rash successfully covered your entire body that you decided you were sick, and not the day before when that one speckle of your big toe was rash free?
Denilus Aintjustariverbutdontgiveafuckus – This is actually a subspecies of Denilus Aintjustariver, a group noted for not only being in denial about having a serious medical condition and avoiding the doctor at all cost, but then doing the complete opposite of what the doctor recommends to cure the disease. A noted example is the heart failure patient who shows up to the ER with a barely functioning heart (all secondary to heavy alcohol and tobacco abuse – no, one night of sake bombing does not heart failure make…I think), gets resuscitated, and is then found smoking and drinking in the hospital lobby still wearing his hospital gown and still under out care. I mean seriously, people, when you see shit like that it’s hard not to just throw in the towel and become the Las Vegas stripper I…umm, I mean you…were meant to be. Perhaps I’ve said too much.
Sickus Maximus – This species is sick. Very sick. So sick that their survival pretty much consists of being sick, going to the hospital, and dying. This is tragic enough, but it is compounded by the fact that these tend to be the nicest, most decent, most heartfelt people you’ll ever meet, which makes the situation all the more heart-breaking. I have no idea why this happens, but for whatever reason these sickest patients are also the least deserving of their fate, if one could in actuality deserve a disese. I guess this part isn’t very funny, but it plays out pretty consistently in the hospital so I thought I’d put it in here.
Clearly, there are many more species to be described, patients to explore, and so on, but I thought I’d leave it at this for now, if nothing else than I can’t write anymore because I have this massive headache that won’t go away. Christ, 14 sake bombs? Terrible idea.