A Snip In Time
Hi Mr. Fake Doctor man. Golly, thanks for rolling me all the way over here. This is so neat. Everything is so new. Look, it’s my hand. Wow! Gosh, I wonder why I’m being strapped here. This is so neat!
I gently undid his special newborn diapers and exposed his penis, his phallus, his (to borrow a phrase from an orthopedic surgeon I worked with a few months ago) little dicky, and the itty bitty little scrotum that came with it. My attending handed me some alcohol swabs and a syringe full of lidocaine (numbing solution), and I vigorously rubbed the little dicky with the swabs before sticking the little needle at the two and ten o’clock positions around the base of his penis, injecting some lidocaine in each area to numb up Little Timmy’s little genitalia.
With the initial anesthesia complete, and Little Timmy complacently sucking on a sugar-coated pacifier, I put on sterile gloves and proceeded with this special procedure. I graciously poured betadine solution all over the little dicky, little scrotum, and little foreskin to completely sterilize the field. I then gracefully placed a cover sheet over the entire area, with a small circle cut out for the little dicky to stick out from. Firmly grasping the hemostat scissors with one hand and the itty bitty little dicky with the other, I calmly inserted the first pair of scissors into the space between the foreskin and the penis, clamping it (click!) on the 3 o’clock position. Bursting with confidence, I reached for the second pair of hemostat scissors and placed them in the space between the foreskin and the penis, clamping it (click!) on the 9 o’clock position. An otherwise anesthetized Little Timmy turned his eyes towards me.
Fake Doctor, you're my bestest buddy. Gee whiz, how are you doing? Wow, things are so swell here, I mean yesterday I was swimming in my own pee and today…I mean wow just look at it all! It's so great they're letting you play with me, even though you don't know what you're doing. So much excitement, so much going on, all these new peo-hey…what are you doing with those scissors? Hey. Hey! What the hell is goi-
I took the last hemostat scissors and inserted them in between the other two, at the 12 o’clock position. However, I did not clamp this pair. After ensuring that I was not actually inserting the pointed end of the scissors into the urethra (that’s the pee hole, for those of you not anatomically inclined), I opened up the scissors as wide as a I could in order to separate the foreskin from the penis as much as possible, with the goal of making the subsequent removal of said foreskin easier. I spread them wide, spread them far, spread them as far as the little foreskin wrapping the little dicky could tolerate, stretching the foreskin so far that…umm…excuse me, Dr. Attending? Eh…there’s a lot of blood squirting out. Uhh…is it supposed to bleed like that?
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO TO MY PENIS?!?
The attending, recognizing the rather large amounts of blood squirting out of the previous blood-free little dicky, quickly removed the scissors and retracted the foreskin to find a penis swimming in blood, with what appeared to be a rather large gaping hole at its top that was not there a moment ago. A rather large gaping hole?!? Did I just spread open this poor young man’s pee hole, deforming his previously normal penis for the remainder of his life? Had I just relegated him to a lifetime of awkward streams, of a disfigured member, of a tortured bigger little dicky no woman would ever choose to touch? Were the hopes and dreams of his previously proud parents crushed by a snip of devilish proportions? Was this child now relegated to a career as a deformed penis fetish porn star? Did I seriously just make a massive hole in a newborn boy’s penis on my first try at a circumcision? Oh, the horror! Oh, the shame! Oh, shit!
Listen motherfucker, I don’t know you, but you just cut a big hole in my penis. Remember this day, because one day, when I’m a little older, I’m going to hunt you down and FUCK YOU UP. That’s right, you heard me. It all sounds like violent screaming now, but I’m talking to you. I’m going to find you, slap you around with my two-headed deformed monster of a shlong, and then shove some scissors up your penis and see how you-
The attending, fearful about what had just transpired, pushed me aside and frantically performed the rest of the circumcision without incident, slicing away the foreskin and then reexamining the hideously deformed beast that I had just created. Meanwhile, I stood there horrified, shaken, and distraught at what had just transpired. After applying pressure for a few angst-ridden moments, she released the gauze and revealed the final product.
Underneath, she found a perfectly normal looking penis. Reexamining the little dicky, she pointed out to me that, contrary to our initial assessment, I had not in fact destroyed his manhood, but had only exposed an already torn frenulum (that little bit of skin at the bottom of a penis that is like a fin – I bet you didn’t know there was a word for that) as the source of the bleeding, something that easily mimics a far more serious condition and that is not dangerous at all.
I paused, took a deep breath, and praised any and every deity out there for making sure I didn’t completely and utterly botch my first attempt to snip out some foreskin. His itty bitty tiny little dicky would live to see another day. As we rolled Little Timmy out the door and back to his mom, I couldn’t help but notice his glare.
I'm watching you...
(P.S. Yes, this actually happened.)