ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Puss. (Boots Sold Separately)

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Puss. (Boots Sold Separately)

First, let me put forward the fact that pain is always terrible and everyone has different thresholds for pain. I understand this, respect this, and have seen enough patients during the last nine months to truly appreciate that horrific state of being, where one is crippled with despair, shackled with grief, and weighed down with the diabolically powerful sharpness that rips through ones soul and burns at one's inner being that can only be referred to as "pain".

That said, there's still no excuse for being a pussy.

Case in point, last week I was part-way through a two week rotation in a secondary ER ("secondary" because it is where they send people who shouldn't actually be coming to the ER in the first place, but that's another topic entirely), when I met a middle-aged white male (we'll call him Mr. Ihave Nopenis to maintain his anonymity) of dubious merit and even dubious-er manhood. I talked with him briefly, discovering that he had an infected lesion on his abdomen that was, per his description, exquisitely painful. So painful, in fact, that he hadn't slept in three days, often could not stand up because of the pain, and was utterly debilitated. So debilitated, in fact, that he could not perform his duties at his job as a nurses assistant (I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole). I lifted his shirt while he winced in pain, discovering a small, 0.5 cm black lesion with a bit of reddness surrounding it. It looked much like an ingrown hair follicle that had become infected, which was, in fact, the final diagnosis as well. I gently touched it (gloves on, of course), and he yelped violently. Look, just give me some pain meds and cut it out. I know what you need to do...I'm a nurse, alright. Just cut it out.

OK, buddy.

A few minutes later Mr. Nopenis was transported to the procedure room for a routine incision and drainage, and when I found him he was already laying down, moaning in pain. When are you going to do this...c'mon already! The ER attending and I washed up, put on some gloves, and started the procedure. It began by placing a sterile drape over the region we were going to cut. Ow! Ow ow ow ow. Then, we cleaned up the lesion with some Beta-dyne. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COLD AHHHHHH! OWWWWW! At this point, the attending gave me a look, one of those "This guy sucks" looks (likely resembling the look Kevin Federline receives when he encounters...well...anyone). Next, we had to inject the region with lidocaine to numb everything up, you know, for the pain and all. I wielded the syringe that Mr. Nopenis must have seen out of the corner of his eye, because he started hyperventilating and screaming. Oh NO! Ahhhh! I started injecting, first superficial, then deep, while he Oooh-ed and Ahhh-ed, but I made sure to inject everything in rapidly so as to avoid the pain of listening to him moan any longer.

Unfortunately, Nopenis had other thoughts in mind, because an entire minute after we had finished providing the anesthesia, poking around his lesion multiple times to make sure he could not feel anything, he yelped out. Have you finished with the needle yet?!? I responded in the affirmative. Ahhh...SHIT, well why didn't you TELL me?!? Owwwwwww!

Huh?

He began moaning again, screaming in agony every few moments, usually coinciding with when we would make any motion that vaguely resembled one approaching his mild lesion. Interestingly, when I actually made the incision, slicing right through his wound and squeezing hard to express the miniscule amount of pus trapped therein, he was completely and utterly silent, complacent and carefree, as if he couldn't see what was going on and didn't have any cues to scream at.

After cleaning up, we gently removed the sterile gown. Ooooooaaawwwoooooohhhhh!!!

Walking out of the room, I couldn't help but wonder what Mr. Nopenis's deal was. Why was he so sensitive? How could he possibly have felt so much pain at such inappropriate times? What were his real fears, given that he was a nurse who should have known what was going on? How loose was his vagina?

Unforunately, none of these questions were answered then, and they remain a mystery now. Pain is a mysterious entity, crippling to some, a crutch to others, constant and unnerving to many. But for Ihave Nopenis, it is none of these things. Instead, it is merely a means for him to express his inner pussy.

39 Comments:

Blogger The Angry Frenchie said...

It really is bizarre how some people can take a ridiculous amount of pain (I saw one guy dislocate his shoulder during a game in high school, then he popped it back into place, and fought with the refs to allow him to remain in the game), while others can't take any.

I've seen people become completely dehabilitated by a simple bump to the head; they just cry and moan forever. I just can't imagine it actually hurts that badly; they just have to have no threshold for pain what-so-ever.

12:30 AM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

I'll never understand people's varying reactions to pain. I had a woman come in from being at the movies with her husband complaining of "a little discomfort". Turns out she was fully dilated and +1 station.

I've seen pts. take no pain meds after a c-section, then cry when you take the tape off their arm while removing their IV.

But that lesion dude? He was just an attention-craving weenisberger.

2:55 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

That, my dear, is what we like to call "Mangina"!

Sounds like he might have been fishing for pain meds and a note to excuse him from work.

(And him referring to himself as a nurse is a grave disservice to the real nurses who actually have to work with this asshole.)

6:25 AM  
Blogger Old MD Girl said...

Reminds me of my bf when I get to pop a pimple on his back. But he doesn't get the benefit of lidocaine.

It was especially funny how your patient wasn't able to time his moans to when you were actually SQUEEZING the pimple though. Totally a faker.

7:55 AM  
Blogger David said...

I think he was after pain meds or attention..or both.

Was he a nurse or a nurse's assistant?

9:27 AM  
Anonymous enrico said...

Dude, you didn't send it to get cultured? It could have been necrotizing fasciitis. You sure you didn't need to leave an indwelling catheter? Those deep lesions are notorious for reinfection. Better to get him on some vanc, or better yet, linezolid cause it's way more expensive and it's probably MRSA anyway.

You didn't mention what level the lesion was (I assume that seeing his [no]penis it was probably lower abdomen), but you could have continued the circus to include an anesthesiologist to do an epidural block since obviously, the local wasn't cutting it.

Or, if you were thinking out the box, you should have gone to his pelvic region, where I'm sure you would have found sand in his vagina, the true source of the referred pain.

What a snatch.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Engel said...

It's really no surprise. Men, in every capacity, are less able to endure pain than women. He sounds like most of the pussies I date.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you call a physician's assistant an physician? No? Then please do NOT interchange the terms/roles 'nurse' and 'nurse's assistant'!

1:12 PM  
Blogger Couz said...

In the ER, I find the surest way to determine if someone is going to be a Mr. Nopenis is when the first thing they say to you is...

"I have a really high pain threshold."

Um, yeah. Sure you do. *Sigh*

We also call this "teenage girl syndrome" for the dramaqueen tendencies.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Carina said...

Hmm. Yup, definitely a guy. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain, but I can't take anything derived from morphine, apparently, so I think I'm entitled to whining a bit. Well, that, and I had appendicitis for ten years that only finally got taken care of in March after a year of daily, constant, really bad pain. I still managed to find a new house, pack up, move, unpack, deal with realtors, try to start a business, and keep everything going at home while my hubby's work load went through the roof (oh, and my mom went crazy, but that's another story).

Yup. He's a wuss.

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Devil's advocate said...

I think the guy's a huge wienie faker and needs to be slapped,

BUT, I have to play devil's advocate:

Notice how many of the comments (as well as the original post) refer to women and denegrate them as 'pussies', even though they generally have a higher pain tolerance than women ("Men, in every capacity, are less able to endure pain than women" saith engel)????

Any thoughts?

5:26 PM  
Blogger The Fake Doctor said...

OK, let me clarify something before it gets out of hand:

Mr. Nopenis first referred to himself as a nurses assistant while I was taking his history. At the end of our conversation (about when he started demanding what he wanted done and what I should be doing to alleviate his pain) he referred to himself as a nurse.

I just report it like I hear it.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my friends and i actually talked about you during lunch today. things like "oh remember in the post that the 'fake doctor' said so and so" and "dude you have got to see the diagram of the classroom and read about the girl walking into the closet." you've become such a pseudolebrity that you're a topic of discussion at meal times. how does that make you feel?

6:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AND we all wondered how hot you were. we came to conclusion that a) you were way hot jewish med student or b) just fugly.

6:17 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:22 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

reminder: you have a female majority audience! ;-)

6:25 PM  
Blogger Dark of the Moon said...

It is sexist to equate men who cannot bear pain with women. As michelle and the devil's advocate said, women have a higher tolerance for pain than men.

7:45 PM  
Blogger beajerry said...

I second the calling of "Mangina".

6:11 AM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I think you should go back to his chart and make sure he's checked off as a Female. No one who's that much of a pussy deserves to be considered a Male.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Num said...

Maybe if you were a cute lady he'd
make less of a fuss eh.
Guy's pitiable
but the equation of wimp(man)=pussy
is more so.

9:33 AM  
Blogger ArizonaDB said...

I smell an Attention Whore!!

6:47 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Lemme guess, he was also allergic to ibuprofen, tylenol, toradol and the only things that would cure his pain are morphine or dilaudid...

What you should have said, to quote a doc I've worked with, "You're just gonna have to cowboy up!"

Gets my vote for Mangina though.

10:50 PM  
Blogger medstudentitis said...

Sounds like he meets each of Waddell's signs... most noteably: overreaction.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous daisy said...

I think, clearly, this guy was a victim of the American healthcare system and had been administered too many circumcisions as a newborn because his parents were not educated enough to know that circumcision is mutilation in every instance male or female.

12:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it was the fact that this guy HAD a penis that made this guy such a total wimp. Women do have a higher tolerance for pain. The pussy comments? A bit mysoginistic.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Reg said...

I think you should of just bent him over right there in the hallway, popped that zit right on the spot, swabbed it with alcohol and sent him on his way.

After he paid $300 for the ER visit, of course.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Coal said...

I agree with everyone who says not to compare this idiot to a women. Women do have Higher pain thresholds. Also, though ingrown hairs are painful, this jackass needed to be kicked in the head for complaining so much. I know someone who had a large boil that spread its nasty infection throughout the person's face. She didn't complain for days. When her face started to swell, her mom took her to the doctor who immedietely made her check into the hospital and wondered why they hadn't come in sooner. Serious infection; it had to be drained a couple times a day and the patient had to be put on an antibiotic IV. That is pain.

7:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-Science-of-Dread.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

If it is in the times it must be true.

8:55 PM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

Alright, dammit, I didn't want to do this, but it seems that I have no choice.

I'm going to stand up for this poor sod. I, too, am a total wimp when it comes to pain. I'm not used it to. I keep healthy (proper diet & routine exercise), so I rarely get sick. I've had the flu no more than 4 or 5 times in my entire life. I've had the common cold even fewer times.

So, on those rare occassions when I do get sick, when I am in pain, I'm the BIGGEST baby in the world. The guy in this post sounds like he was a bit "overly dramatic". But, still, there are some of us out there who simply cannot deal with pain ...

I can't help it; I prefer pleasure. ;)

4:16 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Is it bad that I consider myself a feminist, but that I would freely call Herr Nopenis a pussy?

Maybe.

How you controlled yourself when he started his moaning from saying, "Oh. . . does your pussy hurt?" I don't know.

Well done.

11:24 AM  
Blogger HotPink said...

Ladies: I'm a pro martial artist and a fighter, and I tell the people I fight all the time that they're fighting like girls. Or pussies. Or pansies. This doesnt make me sexist, it means that my feminine strength isnt injured by words. Ironically enough, neither is my religion. CHRIST.
Fake Doctor, I never laugh out loud. But I always laugh out loud when I read your blog! Dont ever stop posting, you're a hilarious and well written guy. Think you should outlaw the anonymous comments tho; the people writin' em dont seem to be in on the joke, like the idiot @ the party who didnt get the invite that specified it was costumes only. Wow, wouldnt it suck to take yourself that seriously?

12:10 PM  
Blogger Jetting Through Life said...

You are right! What a puss!!

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so funny! always good times in the E.D.

2:32 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

I don't know what my "threshold" is myself but some people assume I have a rather high one because I don't piss and moan about it. I was in a pretty bad accident once and the doctors were poking around on me while my mother was crying because apparently the sight of wounds causes her pain and my sister was like "that doesn't HURT?" To which I wanted to yell "of course it hurts you fucking moron!"

Honestly, in hospital cases I just shut up and hope I get someone competant enough to make it as quick and painless as possible. Though don't think I'm bragging -- this usually leads them to assume I'm easy going or not in pain and then theyre in a for a rude awakening when I demand that the incopetant bitch stop touching me and get a real nurse who actually knows how to do an IV.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I miss you, Fake Doc! Hurry back to your avid readers!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

wow.
i don't feel so bad now that i cried when i had an endrometrial biopsy done... and after I fixed my make up and drove myself to work.
but i still felt like the biggest wuss.

9:13 AM  
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