Medical Myth Busters: Penetrating Grey's Anatomy
OK, everyone loves this show. The drama. The romance. The medical conflicts. The girl from Old School. I’m sure if I weren’t intimately reminded on a daily basis of how unrealistic this show is, I’d enjoy it too (well, let me rephrase that to read “I’d enjoy it as only a superbly masculine male could enjoy watching a female-geared prime time network drama”). However, I am intimately reminded on a daily basis of how unrealistic this show is, and I simply cannot enjoy the show for what it is as a result (and, lets face it, I’m not that manly). With that pretext set forth, I thought it’d be useful to document what I mean by all this. I know I’ve touched on this show in the past, but to really do it justice I decided to dissect the show and reveal it for what it is was by forcing you into my clinically depressed mind while I force myself to watch this show (spoiler alert):
9:59 PM – Why are there fingers on the floor? Oh, wait, wrong show. But Desperate Housewives also apparently has a spooky female voice-over (who, I should add, sounds a lot hotter than the chain-smoking creaky whiney voice over on Grey’s Anato-wait, that’s Grey? Jesus, someone buy that girl a nicotene patch.)
10:01 PM – Speaking of creaky, phlegm-ridden voice-overs…
10:02 PM – OK, here comes the ruckus (and it only took two minutes!): I don’t know what surgery program these guys go to, but how the fuck do all these people have all that free time to all hang out together, wide-awake and bushy-tailed ? Un-fucking-believable. Get out of that damn bar, assholes, you have surgeries to do. Lets do the math here. If there are five interns in the entire surgery class and four of them are at a bar, then that means that this show is full of shit.
10:03 PM – Hey, it’s really nice that they finally gave George a love inte-holy crap she’s hideous. On the plus side, at least they finally casted someone who actually looks like a surgeon. Yikes.
10:05 PM – This makes no sense at all. Why are all of the surgery interns working up all of the patients in the ER? Don’t they have other doctors for that? Doctors who specialize in emergencies? The ones who deal with patients who arrive in ambulances? What are they called again? Gosh, I’m having some trouble here. Oh, that’s right, emergency room physicians. You know, call me crazy but I think they made a show about them, too. You’ll have to double-check for me.
10:10 PM – It looks like I’m not the only person who got a haircut that’s too short. George is sporting a doozy here. Damn you, Supercuts, damn you and your ruthless efficiency combined with sub par technical skills!
10:13 PM – It’s really cute that the hot blond doctor (Izzy) found a dreamy patient to become attached to. It reminds me of all the beautiful patients I’ve met and have since become attracted to and/or had sex with. Especially the dreamy heart failure ones at the big county hospitals. I should also add that my nose just tripled in size in the time it took me to type this out.
10:15 PM – Patient to Doctor: “You’re very, very bitter.” Finally, an ounce of truth!
10:21 PM – George’s girlfriend is laying into Grey about something. She seems pretty angry. In fact, I think George’s girlfriend might eat Grey. Maybe this show isn’t all that bad after all.
10:24 PM – It’s a good thing the blond chick is lying about a heart transplant and superseding all sorts of regulations and protocol for the purpose of quality drama and saving her patient/lover’s life. It’s also nice she has all that free time to do this. Reminds me of all that free time I had on my surgery rotation…you know, after we rounded on 40 patients and spent the entire day and night in the OR.
10:30 PM – The parents of a patient are screaming at George. Everyone screams at him. Maybe it’s because, as an intern, he has the chutzpah to interrupt an attending who is talking to the family of a brain dead patient about cutting off life support. In other words, the first time that happens in real life at any surgery program in any hospital in the world would also be the last, as the poor intern would be decapitated by the attending on the spot.
10:32 PM – Doesn’t this Izzy girl remind you of that ridiculously amazingly hot girl you knew in high school/college/your dreams, who’s beauty was only matched by her profound instability? The girl untouchable to all but the richest and hottest of your peers but also already on four or five anti-depressent medications and/or heavy narcotics? But you didn’t mind because she was so hot, except then you found out five years later that she was actually insane and in a rehab hospital somewhere? P.S. I still love you, Andrea, you crazy crazy bitch
10:40 PM – OK, it’s really cute that Izzy is going the extra mile for her patient, but she’s still an intern, right? She has to have had SOMETHING else she should have been doing over the last four or five HOURS. This girl is fucking crazy (and not that good of an actress, to boot). Kids, today's word of the day is “perseveration”. What's that, you want me to use it in a sentence? OK: Izzy is a crazy bitch.
10:46 PM – She’s a neonatologist, she’s an obstetrician, she’s a pediatric surgeon, she's a gynecologist, she’s a specialist in medical genetics. If you actually did the math on the amount of training it would take this Addison lady to accomplish all these things, she’d also be pushing 50. Stupid stupid stupid. No wonder that Dr. McDreamy or Dr. McDouchebag or whatever was all over Grey, at least she still has a pulse.
10:51 PM – Look, George seems like a nice guy. Really, he does. And I should be the last person to bash him after some of my (now former) friends compared me to him. But, people, George is way too big a sap/pussy/wuss to ever be confused with a surgeon. Period. Take it to the bank. No doubt. Let me reinforce this point: there is no way, NO WAY, a person of George’s persuasion becomes a surgeon, much less a surgeon at a large academic institution. Fin.
10:54 PM – Uh oh, here comes another voice over…with accompanying crappy music. I wish I had a voice-over person narrating and moralizing my life at regular intervals while I walked around the hospital. It’d probably sound like a grumpy old man with a thick Eastern European accent saying things like “Sometimes in life you have to learn how to suppress your innermost feelings and – Oy vey zmir, who wrote this shmutz? Feh on all of you. I have a prostate the size of New York and my back is killing me, I don’t have time to think about this garbage. Where is the bathroom?” while the instrumentals for “If I Were A Rich Man” played in the background. I realize this is probably only funny to me. Sorry.
10:55 PM – I think what George’s girlfriend meant by “I love you” was “ME BEAST EAT CRAWWWWG!”
10:57 PM – I cannot even begin to explain to you how ridiculously unbelievable a scenario this whole “lets fake kill the patient to get him a heart” thing is. Honestly, there are no words to explain how ridiculous this is. Where are the nurses? The techs? The dude who brings the food? Another human being who might have an inkling something is going on? No words. My head might explode.
Well, another thrilling episode is in the books. I hope I managed to convey at least some idea of why this show is just too much to swallow, just too far removed from reality for me to enjoy. Although, there is a two hour season fin-wait…it’s tomorrow. At 9 PM? Jack Bauer might have something to say about that. Or maybe he was the guy who shot that surgeon dude in the parking lot at the end of the episode? Now that’s entertainment.