ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Project Run Away

Monday, May 29, 2006

Project Run Away

(From This Job)

Ah, summer time. The days are longer, the weather is beautiful, and a new batch of third year medical students are thrown mercilessly to the lions (and by lions I mean…lions – there’s some crazy shit that goes down at the hospitals these days, people –OK that made no sense at all…moving on). With that in mind, I thought I’d do a little public service and guide these new third year students in the one arena that no one talks about but perhaps yields the most anxiety: fashion. Don’t let my shoddy and immature wardrobe fool you – I am a master of medical fashion. Since I am too ridiculously attractive to actually model (the tragedy of humiliating all of my lesser co-models is just too much to bear), I brought in one of my good buddies I met on Google Image Search to model for me, and I will point out some key elements of his look for you:


1. White Out- It is no doubt a testament to the longevity of the white coat that it can remain some shade of white after all sorts of grime, excrement, sexually transmitted diseases, urine, and other quality patient spewage ends up on it during the course of any given day. If you think the bedspreads of your average Las Vegas Motel 6 are bad, I bet a microscopic analysis of your white coat would yield enough questionable material to make the CDC squirm and Monica Lewinsky kneel for joy (a little retro 90’s humor there…for the kids). So wear that white coat with pride, because it is going to take a lot of pride to explain to your significant other that you got syphilis from the white coat and not from that slutty nurse on the Peds floor. In fact, it’s remarkable how over the last nine months my white coat has gradually shifted from a blinding white towards a healthy shade of gray, with some yellow around the collar. It’s also remarkable that this nastiness still hasn’t made me feel bad enough to wash the damn thing more than once. I would like to point out, for the ladies, that my bed remains sparklingly clean and large (large enough for two or, dare I say it, three people). OK I’ll stop.

2. Shoes – You are going to be on your feet. A lot. You know, when you’re running to the hospital cafeteria to get coffee for your residents, when you’re running away from the hospital cafeteria after a bout of explosive diarrhea (yet you still go for the pollo bowl day after day...remarkable), or when you’re running right into a wall because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going in the first place. The trick, then, is comfort over style. Unfortunately for me, The Man (in this case taking the shape of…well pretty much everyone) won’t let me stroll around in my most comfortable foot attire, flip-flops, which means I had to do some exploring before coming up with the right shoes. And, with a hint of sadness, I am forced to report that those shoes are clogs. Yes, they look kind of stupid and you might be mistaken for a Van Der Slutwhore Danish beast from time to time, but they are pretty comfortable and you can move your feet in and out of them while standing for seven hours doing nothing during a Whipple procedure. Of course, I should note that after emitting such a strong and foul odor from your socks after taking them out of the clogs during the surgery, you will find that clogs also great for running away from people too, as you will no doubt be desperately fleeing from your angry residents.

3. I just wanted to point out the fact that this man has no penis. Just look at him. That is all.

4. Over The Shoulder Boulder Jackass - Among the many mistakes that third year medical students are prone to commit, this one is arguably the worst offense: the dreaded "I'm going to wrap this stethoscope around my neck because it looks cool and it makes me look like a doctor" maneuver. Let me clarify two things for you. First, you will never look cool. That's why you are in medical school in the first place and not working for a top secret government agency kicking terrorist ass (Am I allowed to say that I have a non-sexual crush on Jack Bauer? There, I said it anyways. And yet, somehow I’m still single.). Second, if all it took was wrapping a stethoscope around your neck to make you look like a doctor, then I wouldn’t have spent the last three years complaining about how miserable my life is and just wrapped the damn thing around my neck. I used to think that it was pretty harsh of residents and attendings to give medical students crap for this behavior, but now that I've been around the block (fine, I've admired the block from a safe distance) I understand why they get so upset: We don't have the slightest fucking clue how to act 99% of the time, so faking like we look like we know how to act only makes us look even stupider 100% of the time. In other words, just shove the damn thing in your pocket and end it.

5. Respect – History is filled with lines. The Mason-Dixon Line. The Mendoza Line. The Line of Coke snorted by our current President in the days of yore (with the off chance that yore includes yesterday). With these lines in mind, I thought I’d introduce a new one: The Respectability Line. Below this line, your white coat will flow gloriously down past your knees, affording you a level of respect (i.e. women) you probably do not deserve but will receive regardless of the circumstances. Above this line, you are cast away with the other medical students, respiratory technicians, pharmacy technicians, and Beverly Hills manicurists forced to wear the dreaded short white coat, which, much like the love children of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears, will not be garnering much respect (i.e. women…or anything for that matter).

6. Facial Form - Wipe that stupid grin off your face. Nothing says “I want to punch that prick medical student in the face” quite like a stupid “Golly gee willickers I’m just so happy to be here and learn and be involved and do all your scut work” smile. OK maybe that’s just me. I need a vacation.

7. Clipboard – It is hard to keep track of all your patients and keep your notes organized without one of these trusty clipboards at your disposal. They let you hold onto everything from lab reports to progress notes in one convenient package. They also let you read the sports section or admire a selection from your vast collection of hardcore porn during rounds while still making it look like you are intently focused on knowing every detail about your patients. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Just so you know, it is actually t-minus one year and two days before I can start prescribing medications.

8. The Pocket – I have saved the most important part of the puzzle for last. As the third year medical student, you are expected to come in handy. Since you don’t know how to actually do anything, “come in handy” really means “make it so that we don’t have to get stuff ourselves”. Practically speaking, this means that you must have the following items shoved into any and every pocket at your disposal or risk suffering a fate worse than death (this fate may or may not be referring to a blind date with me): enough pens to supply a small army of residents, a ruler, pencils, a reflex hammer, the Pocket Medicine book, your trusty PDA, your stethoscope (uh huh), extra progress notes, extra radiology forms, porn, extra order forms, Maxwell’s, rectal lubricant, gauze, scissors, surgical tape, your badges, more rectal lubricant, notes, assorted prescription guides, scratch paper, whatever remains of your dignity, the latest articles from JAMA, lucky charms, buckets of rectal lubricant, the Classifieds section (wishful thinking), a patient census, an ophthalmoscope, a tuning fork, a regular fork, and, of course, extra porn. In other words, if you are able to wear your white coat and stand up at the same time, you do not have enough stuff in your white coat. Stop whatever it is that you are doing and report to the nurses station for immediate refills of rectal lubricant and porn.

There you have it, fashion advice from the fashion guru himself. Go forth, young third years, and remember: it’s not how smart you are that counts, it’s how good you can fake how smart you are that counts. And dressing smart is half the battle. Sorry, GI Joe, knowing is overrated.

42 Comments:

Blogger gabbiana said...

From the first-year med student cramming at 2:42 AM when everyone else in the city was down the shore this weekend and is right now sleeping off his/her hangover in an attempt to be ready for work in the morning: THANK YOU. Especially for the term "respectability line." Hee.

11:48 PM  
Blogger An Enlightened Fellow said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:46 AM  
Blogger Darwin said...

Lol the guy really does look like he doesn't have a penis!

Fingers crossed the new batch of 3rd years has The Hot Jewish Single Female amongst them (hereinafter referred to as THJSF). Goodluck!

2:11 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

brilliant post. I'm sick with a cold right now but I won't be going to the doctor because it's just a cold, and your blog is better medicine anyway. Plus, I'm in Germany, and I don't trust German doctors. They're usually on strike, anyway.

4:47 AM  
Blogger Dr. Wannabe said...

hahaha nice post. genius as usual.

5:07 AM  
Blogger GP said...

From one med student to another : Very well done, mate. Couldn't have said it better myself!! Loved the stethoscope `detail' and the black hole pocket. THEY ARE 100% true ...

7:12 AM  
Blogger Not Jenny said...

Yeah, we can spot the med students a mile away at the nurse's station (I work on ortho surg). I think the eager beaver grin is kind of cute. We like to mess with the eager beaver med students the best.

Great blog! I am taking time away from my job to be a mommy and you keep me from missing work too much.

10:17 AM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

Ditto the little enlightened fellow ... my favorite part of this post was: "The Line of Coke snorted by our current President in the days of yore (with the off chance that yore includes yesterday)."

Very funny! :)

By the way, I'll have you know that I link to you in my post today. Believe it or not, the topic was the how to reverse gravity's pull on women's boobs (i.e. anti-Droopy Boobie measures).

Yeah ... people's names come up in the funniest contexts ...

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'n in my third year meds (T minus 353 days till prescription writing) in canada and this post made me laugh. it's so odd where the differences are - we don't wear white coats (with the exception of one particularily nerdy nerd) and we all hang our stethoscopes around the neck. still, we fill our pockets with lube, just like everyone else!

12:59 PM  
Blogger A. said...

you are back on top of your game with this post. excellent writing. funny, entertaining, informative even.

4:50 PM  
Blogger genderist said...

addendum:

1. One of my best new-nurse lines ever was asking a pulmanologist what was on his jacket... because it was so nasty that a petri dish would've run away from him. Without thinking I asked him what was on his collar -- which was obviously grime, not so obviously any number of things that would have made the ID team get hard-ons. When I quickly realized he didn't like that line of questioning, I asked if it was make-up, some special lady friend, and he just grinned...

2. ALWAYS sacrifice style over comfort. I really like the Merrill line of easily-cleanable shoes...

3. I concur.

4. Get one of those stethoscope holders that you can wear on your scrub pants. That way you can have more room in your pockets for... #8...

5. You don't have any choice here. Try to wear that short coat with pride...

6. Now's a great time to practice your "I really care about your toenail fungus" face...

7. They also have some with the hidden trapper-type storage under the actual clip. If you're one of those people who don't want to carry blank script pads and progress notes in #8, consider carrying one of these around...

8. You should also have at least three extra black pens. And I think rectal lubricant was left out...

7:44 PM  
Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

the list of items in section 8 sounds like my stage manager's kit supply list.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

Funny post as always...
I'm going to medical school soon, so i'll make sure not to make those mistakes!

12:48 PM  
Blogger design42 said...

I hear you on the lube. Since starting at the hospital I have seen more hands up more asses...

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you SURE you're not gay?

7:34 AM  
Blogger Chackler said...

What brand of clogs to you wear? I'm looking for a good pair.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

Oh that's awesome. So, so, perfect.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

By the way, bob, we all make those mistakes. No matter how many times somebody tells you how to avoid them. :)

5:40 PM  
Blogger MamaChristy said...

I just wanted to extend my apologies to you about this. I really thought Natalie was gonna hold out for you. Perhaps she's just spinning her wheels with what's-his-name until the time is right for the two of you to hook up?

12:25 PM  
Anonymous umichm4 said...

A couple suggestions...

1. What you do with your stethoscope depends on the service. On a surgical service, the scope definitely belongs in the pocket. However, on IM/peds/family/ER or the like, wearing a stethoscope around the neck is perfectly acceptable. In fact, in fields like IM, wearing it ON your neck is okay as well.

2. Clogs are over-rated and are a sure-fire way to be a poser. Running shoes are way better with scrubs, and there are plenty of dress shoes that offer great comfort and actually look great too.

3. Get thee to an institution with an electronic medical record, and forget paper progress notes, etc.

4. What, no mention of the nametag on a retractable cord, that will be facing the wrong way 99% of the time?

5:51 PM  
Anonymous Sid Schwab said...

Back in my med school days, I kept a Kelly clamp snipped to the inside of my white coat. I could reach in and play with it, practicing opening and closing it with my palm, not the fingers: the surgical way. And I became a surgeon.

More important than shoes when scrubbed in on a Whipple: bend the knees once in a while. And I wear Birkenstocks. Most surgeons wouldn't want to appear so weenie-like; but if you slip shoe covers on right away, no one really knows. These are important issues.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Glenna said...

Loved the part about the porn on the clipboard, or if you're one of those Respiratory Therapists like me, you have a notebook and your novel notes stuck under the "Whose sputum do we care about during this shift?" List. Very handy for those odd moments between Xop nebs and CPT treatments so that you LOOK like you're working but really you're playing Hemingway and only soaking up hospital atmosphere to use for amusing anecdotes for the future book tour.

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

trust me it doesn't get any better in residency. you are still a worthless scut whore who is forced to be even more of a tool ass-kissing your attendings. ("oh dr. x that was so fascinating, we'd love to hear about COPD during tomorrow's talk! i think the team would really enjoy that."--cue firm a team eagerly nodding smiling and salivating on command) and you're expected to "teach" (hah!) the medical students. i am a horrible resident--i only "teach" on-call ("this is how you calculate fluids") and try to get them the hell out of the hospital on normal days before a senior realizes they are sitting around. unless they annoy me. then it gets more interesting.

the key to not being annoying: judge your resident. if your resident is not a complete whiny bitch ass-kisser, act like a normal human being. the "eager beaver" routine opens you up to too much abuse--especially if you're dealing with tired, pissed-off residents who have seen their lives slip away from them. if your resident is a complete putz, make sure you insert your head and neck up to the clavicle inside their rectum and start making out with the inside of their colons.

hang in there. it really does get better the more you advance up the ladder.

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"slutty nurse from peds?"

Jerkoff.

2:56 AM  
Anonymous Burry said...

As a 4th-year with a T - 263 days (prescriptions) and T - 746 to The Big L (which L? Licence, you dork) I will allow myself to comment.

1) Cloggers are OUT. They're for surgery only. Treat yourself to a nice pair of ergonomic sandals (me, I boast a pair of Eccos). Crocs _may_ be allowed, but thread (literally) with care and be conservative about the colour.

2) Stethoscope cotume is essentially right, but oversimplified. Around the neck is allowed if A) you're doing IC or ER and B) you know your way around it (e.g. put it the right way in your ears on first attempt and soforth.) DON'T enter the canteen with it around the neck, though.

3) Bring LOTSA pens.

4) I'm with you on the lubricant. Some of the urologists treat that more as a symbolic gesture but me, I like to be generous.

5) Clipboard? Electronic journals, my friend. And keep a litte black book, especially if you're expected to report the patient at the next ward meeting.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Law Student said...

the man in the pic, on the balance of probabilities, undoubtedly has a penis. i can prove it in court.

5:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As far as hiding porn (or other reading material) in your clipboard, I found a folding clipboard recently...
www.whitecoatclipboard.com

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool guestbook, interesting information... Keep it UP
» » »

12:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was a medical student in the past. You are a tool. Anyone who thinks this guy's blog is witty or intelligent is also a tool. You will end up being the kind of doctor that everyone hates because you are obvlivious to your surroundings. Please realize that you are a MS4 making fun of MS3s as if you are a seasoned doctor of 30 years. Have fun in internal medicine, chump.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous A professional doctor said...

This whole post reeks of "Scrubs"-like mentality -- juvenile, petty, and silly. Clearly, your disrespect for the President shows a general lack of respect for your profession, your patients, yourself. Time to grow up before you make the jump to being a doctor.

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