ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Tragedy Of The Common Foot

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tragedy Of The Common Foot

There is an epidemic sweeping across our great country, one so vile and malicious that none dare speak its name, but all know its horrific face. Worse than SARS, deadlier than the avian flu, and more mind-numbingly disturbing than the sight of Tom Cruise at a psychiatry convention or even a straight bar. Yes, I am speaking of that scourge that is filling up outpatient clinics as far as the eye can see…onychomycosis.

Huh?

Oh, sorry. For those non-medical types out there, onychomycosis is a big word for “nail fungal infection” (and just in case any attractive Jewish females are interested in learning more big medical words, let me know and we’ll set up a…uhh…private tutoring session – admit it, you missed these shameless attempts, didn’t you?). Much like the Macarena, any and every cast member in the history of The Real World, and Ryan Seacrest, nail fungus is contaminating every ounce of self-respect and/or nails of the Earth’s inhabitants, a horribly disfiguring sight to behold that simply refuses to die. People are coming from near and far to have their feet examined by doctors, hoping that the medical establishment can provide a lasting panacea for this ailment.

Actually, let me rephrase that last sentence: People are coming from near and far to have their feet examined by doctors, who themselves are so utterly bored and disinterested with looking at nail fungus that every case of nail fungus gets dumped onto the lap of a hapless medical student (that’s code for “me”) for inspection, palpation, smell, taste, and management. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, over the last few weeks spent working in various outpatient clinics, I have been blinded by hundreds of hygiene-oppressed nails, drowned in a sea of green nastiness, submerged in a swamp of crunchy fungal nail chips.

There is a bigger problem, however, with this disease and the people who keep bothering me about it. Before I explain, please understand that nail fungus has caused me more grief, anxiety, nightmares involving the Jolly Green Giant (who force-feeds me his jolly green infested toenails, in case you're curious), and flashbacks of losing to the most notorious fungus there is, Toad, time and time again (damn you, Patty, and your exquisite video game skills!). The fundamental problem, ladies and gentlemen, is this:

WE CAN’T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT YOUR NAIL FUNGUS, SO PLEASE JUST LEAVE US ALONE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seriously, if I see another chief complaint of "nail fungus" I'm going to lose whatever is left of my mind.

Surely, you’re thinking “But I have nail fungus and my doctor gave me stuff for it, so this moron must be lying and stupid and a poo-poo head, not to mention a total insensitive arrogant prick who-“. OK, I get it. Sure, maybe your doctor gave you a cream to apply to the fungus. Did he or she mention that you need to put the cream on every day for about six months for it to have the slightest chance of working? That most of the time it doesn’t work anyways? That the average patient can’t remain compliant on anything for more than a few weeks, so asking someone to apply cream to one’s hideously deformed toes for months at a time has about as much chance of happening as Natalie Portman expressing her passionate love for me via a fan e-mail?

“Wait, I thought there was some pill I could take?” Yes, there is. Except that pill might also do a really nasty number on your liver, and since there’s a pretty solid chance that you’re a raging drunk hepatitis-infected diabetic with assorted personal hygiene and aging issues only Anna Nicole Smith could love, we can’t give you this medication (which, I should add, you’d also have to take for a long time) without risking serious damage to your liver and our pocketbooks when your liver fails and you sue every last penny from our debt-ridden pockets.

In other words, please, I implore you, rethink your decision about going to your doctor for an evaluation of the majestic floral tapestry growing on your toenails. Think of the poor medical student, left to combat this raging epidemic, frightened, horrified, and sadly alone in his or her fight. Think of the nightmares, the stress, the tragedy of it all.

And, lastly, think of this guy*. OK, that has nothing to do with anything, but I saw his site and couldn’t resist plugging it.


*No, that’s not me. Asshole.

29 Comments:

Blogger The Angry Frenchie said...

Those stupid drug commercials with those freaky yellow bug things that rip open some guy's toenail, then scratch the crap out of the skin below, causing it to turn into an apocolyptic, yellow wasteland always annoyed the crap out of me.

Buy our drug, or scary yellow bastards will scratch the shit out of your toes!!!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Can I ask you something ? Is there anything that u consider good regarding medicine ? ;)

12:24 AM  
Blogger Num said...

Depends which side of the table you're on *chuckle* @ anonymous
(treated it as a generic question to FD-like-docs..go sue me.)
There's good and there's bad.
There's a frying pan and there's a fire.A rock and a harder place..you get the picture. ;)

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the useful medical information FD. I've been going to my dermatologist for 8 yrs for toenail fungus. It's no better. You're right about the oral meds. He gave them to me and I developed side effects that caused him to discontinue the pills. Good to know I'm financing his vacation. Just kidding. I have red hair and white skin so he is my most frequented doc. He never promised to cure it. How useful you are becoming!!

Kate

3:59 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

"Much like the Macarena, any and every cast member in the history of The Real World, and Ryan Seacrest, nail fungus is contaminating every ounce of self-respect and/or nails of the Earth’s inhabitants, a horribly disfiguring sight to behold that simply refuses to die."

Best line of the entire post, right there. Good job, Fake Doc! I really do wish Ryan Seacrest would just give up and bow out of life. But we don't always get what we wish for, right? (Kind of like that virgin guy's site. I'm pretty sure he's not going to get 5 million individual hits. But I'll post him on my blog anyway...)

7:41 AM  
Blogger Cheeler said...

Lmao! You are HILARIOUS. I agree with Kyla. Maybe Merk will develop a drug that will get rid of nail fungus AND Ryan Seacrest in one fail swoop.

It's a nice dream, anyway . . .

9:14 AM  
Blogger Squeaky Dear said...

Eww. Sick.

You had to put that picture up, didn't you.

AAAAHHHHHHH

I'll have nightmares about that now, you know...

Cheers!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:06 PM  
Blogger gabbiana said...

What about an attractive Jewish female with (terribly minor, currently painted-over, oh god if my toe ever looks like that I'm cutting it off) toenail fungus?

(Sigh.) Damn.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous brainholes said...

ya know, if i didn't know better, i woulda thought that you snuck into my apartment one night and took a picture of my foot -- cuz that's exactly what my nasty ass toe has looked like for about 5 years.

and i apologize, but i have an appointment on may 24th that i have been waiting months for to see if a dermatologist can fix it. and ya know what bugs me just as much as this bugs you? all the annoying people who are taking up appointment times to get botox while i wait in misery with my itchy feet and nasty ass toe.

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I took the oral meds for 3 months and my toes are fine now. The cream never helped. lucidkim

6:45 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

fI cannot stand icky toenails.

They are one of the main reasons I quit working for home health. I had nightmares about scungy clippings getting in my hair after cutting old peoples' toenails.
I'd rather disimpact 50 people than cut one persons toenails.

8:28 PM  
Blogger Reg said...

So how do you get rid of onychomycosis? What if Natalie Portman were afflicted and wanted to wear strappy sandals but was too embarrassed by her condition? What then? I bet you'd find a way to treat it, that's what!!!

No seriously :) is there really nothing one can do at all short of amputation?

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i <3 you like a fat kid <3 cake.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous laura said...

there's at least one reader (me) still waiting for the fake doctor's take on grey's anatomy. you promised!!

(ps glad you're posting more.)

11:54 AM  
Blogger Nics said...

Feet=minging
My mum broke her right foot last year and it hasn't healed properly and at her consultation last week, the orthopaedic surgeon asked her if he could use her as a case study. More disturbingly, he seemed keen to look at my feet and my sister's. At least you're not working in a shoe shop FD!

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Natalie said...

One of my fans just pointed me to your blog and I think you're kinda cute! Email me at me@natalieportman.com and we'll go get Baja Fresh some time!
- Luv,
Natalie

6:56 AM  
Blogger Carina said...

You know, Vicks Vaporub put on every day for six weeks or so kills it, as does tea tree oil. Cheaper, easier, and no need to bother the med student. :) The tea tree oil worked on my hubby's feet when he was in med school.

Podiatrists do that every day. Think about it--all that schooling to look at feet all day, trim nails, and take care of diabetic feet. Sounds like it's not for you. ;-)

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just an appreciative visitor - keep up the fabulous work.
also, the blog isn't bad either! *snap*
...
i need to get out more...

11:12 PM  
Anonymous sp said...

so ironic. the same day i read this post (thurs), i (MSII) had a pt come into clinic w/ oncyhomycosis of all but one of her toenails. it made me think of you.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok I am not normally a queezy person, but the crunchy chips thing did it for me. GAG!

5:00 AM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

wowzer FD ~ it must be your lucky day! the time you blog about the snasty realities of toenail fungus is the time "Ms. Portman" chooses to talk ~ wonder if she has nail fungus????....you lucky schmuck, you!

hey, at least you know she has seen you at your worst, eh? ( i don't know, does it get worse than snasty nail fungus? i don't think so, that was a pretty grody pic ~ like those pics of that movie ~Saw~ hanging out at the walmart, as if Plastering a pic of nail fungi on a movie preview poster would encourage people to see it... of course it seems to have worked for you,, so... huh...heheh ;-D)

12:40 AM  
Blogger tea4me said...

Picture may be graphic but is the best I have seen. Doctors tend to brush us off. And, yes, that advertized drug is not a very pleasant option. I have turned to Tea Tree Oil to do the job. Takes time, but is working. I use a swab and although I do not do this every day as I perhaps should, it is nontheless working. It is well worth a try and easier on the pocket book.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

I have been getting my nails done since I was thirteen years old and about six months ago a fungus showed up on two of my finger nails. I tried everything to get rid of it. I heard about a supplement on Doug Kauffman’s show called Caprylic Acid at www.pionair.net . I purchased this anti-fungal supplement and after a few weeks the yellow look in my nails was gone. My nails are now clear of fungus and look healthier then they ever have.

CCanton

3:29 PM  
Blogger Shirley said...

Garlic is a wonderful easy cure. Some people put garlic oil on the toes but taking garlic capsules works great.

6:17 AM  
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