It really weighs on you, and I think "it" is mostly fatigue. But I'm pretty sure that everyone, at some point, experiences what just happened to me. Like I said, I am sitting at a computer, having finished my work two hours ago but still waiting for the resident to read my notes so that I can go home. I am sitting at a computer, having just noticed that same resident emerge from her office with a brand new hair style, a hair style she no doubt spent the last half hour sculpting and molding to perfection, knowing full well that there were two glorious notes written by none other than me waiting for her approval, just sitting idly in her VA inbox, waiting to be free. And I think of all the notes I've written, all that paper. All those labs. The progress notes. The transfer notes. Accept notes. Discharge notes. Procedure notes.
Like I said, I am sitting at a computer, passing the time away, when I look up and see a patient pacing back and forth, a schizophrenic patient smacking his lips because the medications made him do so. A schizophrenic patient so undeniably focused on this task of walking back and forth, up and down the halls for reasons obvious only to himself and the voices in his head, that his dedication would be unmatched throughout the world. He sees and hears nothing else in the world. He just keeps walking back and forth, smacking his lips. Nothing else matters.
It was right about at that moment that I started laughing hysterically.
I laughed for about five minutes straight. Watching this guy do his crazy thing. Waiting for my resident to acknowledge my existence. Wearing every ounce of a year's worth of fatigue on my shoulders.
Maybe it's not so bad after all.