ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Third Year: The Tale of the Tape

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Third Year: The Tale of the Tape

While I hope to have a more eloquent recap coming soon, I thought I’d start my reminiscing about the glory that was this past academic year by turning it into a series of useless numbers, much like I did at around this time last year. So please, enjoy these numbers, enjoy their meaning, and enjoy the fact that I am spending a solid 30 minutes of my two day summer vacation writing this up. SUMMER BREAK WOOO!!!

Number of clinical rotations completed: 7
Number of weeks in the third year: 54
Number of extra weeks there are in the third year of medical school that are not in the Gregorian definition of a year: 2
Number of hospitals I worked in: 7
Amount of times I experienced food poisoning from the hospital cafeteria: 2
Collective minutes spent hiding in various hospital bathrooms: 3,640
Instances in which I was told by patients that I looked like Matthew Perry: 4
Times I muttered “kill me now” under my breath: 84,239
Text pages I sent to friends that included the phrase “Kill Me Now” or “KMN”: 847
Number of prank pages received or sent: 231
Number of pages received from Dr. Poon: 15
Number of pages returned to Dr. Poon from a Dr. F. Taco: 16
Number of legitimate, medically related pages I received during the entire year: 5
Doomed romantic encounters I had with my female superiors that ended abruptly and about as predictably as the pending Cruise-Holmes break up (oh c’mon, like you aren’t expecting it): 1
Nurses who gave me unwarranted and excessive attitude: 3
Nurses who gave me some suga’: All the rest – love ya!
Average number of hours of sleep during call nights on Surgery and Ob-GYN: 2.3
Times I made it through an entire call night without sleeping at all: 2
Average number of consecutive hours spent in the hospital during a call night: 27
By law, maximum number of consecutive hours one can spend at the hospital: 30
By law, maximum number of hours per week one can work at the hospital: 80
Longest amount of consecutive hours spent at the hospital: 32
Largest collective number of hours spent at the hospital in one week: 107
Times I felt woozy driving home post-call: 3
Number of celebrities seen during three weeks of inpatient pediatrics at one local hospital: 4 (umm…excluding me, of course)
Number of celebrities seen during months spent at various county hospitals: 0
Patients who refused to let me be in the OR regardless of the fact that it was made clear I would not be within 5 feet of anything important: 1
Patients who refused to be seen by me in clinic because I was a student: 14
Rectal exams performed: 46
Pelvic exams performed: 22
Testicular exams performed: 15
Breast exams performed: 25
Breast exams performed on fake breasts: 2 (they’re like rocks, people)
Life saving maneuvers performed on Natalie Portman, who tragically fell ill and required resuscitation from a dashing young medical student: 0
Times I caught myself daydreaming about the previous scenario during my neurology rotation: 3
Approximate number of times I recall regretting going to medical school: 55
Number of jobs offered to me contingent on me quitting medicine: 1
Times I actually looked into what is required to drop out of medical school: 0
Times I can recall being verbally humiliated by my superiors in front of my peers and other superiors: 2
Hours spent giving these assholes the evil eye: 3
Number of times I can honestly and vividly recall those profound, privileged moments in medicine, those moments so regularly dramatized in those awful medical shows you people watch that so rarely happen but are the only things keeping me here and sane: 2
Number of my patients who died before my eyes: 4
Patients who expressed to me a gratitude for their care that was genuinely moving: 10
Number of days I called in sick: 0
Number of times I told people that I was busy saving lives: 748
Number of lives saved by me: 0
Times spent at Starbucks with my "Medicine" sweatshirt and/or scrubs on: 56
Times I hoped some hot undergrad female would notice me with my medical school paraphenalia and hit on me: 56
Times that actually happened: That depends on how you define "hit on".
Number of schizophrenics I saw both roaming the local Starbucks and as a patient in the psychiatric ward: 1
Blood pressure medications taken prior to starting third year: 0
Blood pressure medications I currently take every day: 2
Number of specialties and sub-specialties I considered: 23
Number of specialties I am currently considering: 3
Number of book deals offered to me as a result of this blog: 0
Number of times I have prayed to get an email from someone offering me a lot of money to write a book based on this blog: 365
Months until I am a fake doctor no more: 10
Number of people who should be horribly frightened by the previous sentence: about 250,000,000


Blogger lucidkim said...

I'm not frightened, so strike me off that list. :) kim

10:01 PM  
Blogger The Angry Frenchie said...

Holy crap that's a lot of stats.

12:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm so so so glad i didn't choose to study medicine..

12:40 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

enlightening! cute ;-) always funny...
and the countdown!yay!10mos to go!! woo hoo!!!!

1:36 AM  
Blogger Darwin said...

Nice stats. Goodluck for the next 10 months!

4:20 AM  
Blogger mallymoodle said...

Good luck for the next 10 months, fake doc. Wish my phd would be done by then

4:53 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

you take blood pressure meds? this is some scary shit, FD. Your blog has convinced me that medicine is NOT the way to go. Oh, oh no. I'm going into physical therapy.

What happened on your "doomed romantic encounter"? Was she at least Jewish?

6:57 AM  
Blogger dr. nic said...

I'm afraid of what would happen if I tried to quantify that for me. And just wait until residency. I think I ask someone (God, fellow residents, nurses, etc) to "kill me now" at least once a day, more if I'm on call.

6:58 AM  
Blogger OMDG said...

You were only verbally humiliated by your superiors in front of your peers twice over the course of the entire year? Doesn't sound so bad to me.

7:30 AM  
Blogger S. said...

I have finally finished the Evil AMCAS crapplication, and I'm currently filling out the Columbia secondary app. Pretty much, I'm restating what I already said on my AMCAS application.
You are awesome. Keep up the blog! I'll need some sense of humor this year.

Wish me luck.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hysterical as ever-

You've said (often) that you hope that someone will offer you money to write a book- but why don't you just write the bitch?

You're a great writer- something will follow. . . it may not be soon enough to save you from the horrors of proctology or obstetrics but it might make you happy. Someday.

Okay. Probably not, but it's a thought.

Mozel Tov--

I do hope that there is a part of you that finds the thought of becoming a doctor a little good. Kinda, maybe, sorta. . .

2:35 PM  
Blogger genderist said...

enjoy your break...

I'm looking forward to reading further adventures in med school.

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for the breakdown. My husband just entered his 3rd year and now I know what to expect! That is...if I see him:-)

3:59 PM  
Blogger dog food sugar said...

Number of blog readers who are more in love with you than EVAR! A gazillion! Enjoy your summer FD!

4:14 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

Awesome. How about number of times you fell asleep at a red light while driving home from being on call during surgery? For me, that's : 2

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHOOHOO 3rd year almost done for me too! 10 months to the MD. Let the world fear us HAHAHAHA

4:31 PM  
Blogger Margie the Pickle Princess said...

I'm not frightened either, I think you'll be a great doctor! Have a great break!

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

congrats in completing your 3rd year. Here's to your 4th going a lot smoother-- or at least being as entertaining as your 3rd. :)

6:16 PM  
Blogger CGI-angel said...

"Number of book deals offered to me as a result of this blog: 0

Number of times I have prayed to get an email from someone offering me a lot of money to write a book based on this blog: 365 "

.....Uhhhrrr, just for the record, you have to already HAVE finished a book or screenplay to be able to score an agent--who in turn will find you a studio that will offer you something.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

Wow!!! Only 10 more months??

That's going to be so exciting; I wish I lived in your state ;)

8:57 PM  
Blogger FunnyGal KAT said...

You get mistaken for Matthew Perry? Be still my heart! Not only a brilliant fake doctor, but good looking to boot! Natalie Portman doesn't know what she's missing.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm one of the nurses you "love"...i'm mostly nice to you guys :)

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to tell you residents are the most anoying people I have even encountered in my entire life..my son's disease is very rare and they just anoy the hell out of me.
your blog is funny I'm not being mean but damn you can spot the newbies right off and really mess with them...the joy you find while spending a lot of time in a hospital..good luck!

8:40 PM  
Blogger Couz said...

To above anonymous poster.

First of all, you're obviously not *that* much of an expert in spite of your condescending tone. The FAKE doctor (how more clear can he be?) is not a resident. He is a medical student, doing rotations in a hospital. A resident has graduated from medical school, and is an MD.

And if it weren't for residents, your son would likely not be here today. Who the hell do you think becomes the staff doctors? Do you think we're freaking hatched fully trained?


ER Resident coming off night shift and easily pissed at the patients and their families that treat her like shit.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From Hollywood Reporter blog

Portman Shows Skin in Goya's Ghost

"I haven't seen the evidence myself; the buyers who looked at the Milos Forman biopic Goya's Ghost in Cannes (where uber-producer Saul Zaentz was ensonced at the Majestic) saw selected footage. So I'm dutifully passing on a Page Six item, via LA Fishbowl asserting that the lissome lass bares all in this serious drama, which stars Stellan Skarsgard (great in Pirates 2) as the painter Goya and Javier Bardem as a monk. Judging from the Art Film credentials of this production (these are the people who brought you One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Amadeus, for example), it does not sound like a titillating context, frankly."

Just thought you'd want to know, doc. :)

9:22 AM  
Blogger Jax said...

LOL! Fun stats...i bet some of em are even true. :P

5:56 PM  
Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Write the book already. You're too damned funny not to. Or write a script. Something. If You me and Dupree is gonna' be the biggest new comedy debuting this week, there is a place for you somewhere. In the meantime, in one year, your standing in the female jewish woman community will leap up approximately 5,432 percent. So I've heard.

2:50 PM  
Blogger betty said...

I hear you - thanks for taking precious time out of your 1 of 2 non-slave-driving days to spell out for us exactly what kind of joy we have to look forward to in clerkship.

There must be some kind of niche market for MDs who don't wanna be MDs... naked medical news perhaps?

7:50 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Anyone know what school FD goes to? Me apply this year.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

So, what three specialties are you still considering?

8:06 AM  
Blogger Emilian said...

Add this stat too:
Number of times you gave me a good laugh over the past year while having a peak at your blog at the end of the working day from this hellhole in Africa: dozens and dozens of times.
Great blog, keep up the good work, and good luck for the next 10 months!

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Number of times I told people that I was busy saving lives: 748
Number of lives saved by me: 0"

That's hilarious.

I just started reading, but so far, it's great.

Keep up the good work.

8:49 PM  
Blogger LOR said...

Interesting stats you've got there! :o) Good luck!

7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's funny because IT'S ALL TRUE! We have a name for people who go around saying they're too busy saving lives/keeping people alive. We call them anaesthetists (to their face - wankers behind their backs). And what is it with the cafeteria? I've had food poisoning from my hospital's cafeteria 5 times - seriously!

Thanks for keepin' it real.

7:55 PM  
Blogger Angela Rose said...

Number of times I chuckled while reading this entry: 25
Number of time I thanked my stars I'm not in med school while reading this entry: 50

I love your blog. Will you marry me? :)

9:51 PM  
Blogger HVS said...

quite funny..
Your combined experiences are quite impressive,you'll make a good doc.
# of times anyone has ever upchucked/performed other bodily functions on ya?(perhaps you'd rather not answer this question-I understand, but I'm still curious as to whether med students get a healthy dose of it) EMT's/nurses sure do.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I'm starting third year in 2 months. I thought Step 1 was scary- 'Dear God, please help me now!!!'

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is so funny. I am impressed that you haven't lost your sense of humor. :)

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Anonymous nutterbuddy said...

hey couz: interesting assessment considering that anon never stated what her child's disease is. Yet you have no problem taking credit for his survival. how humble.

but i do have sympathy for you: you are obviously suffering from sleep-deprivation related delirium if you think you are worse of (as a resident) than a woman with a child with a rare disease.

btw- great blog!

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