ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Welcome To The Jungle

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Welcome To The Jungle

It’s that time of year again. The sun is blazing, the ocean air is steaming, and a new crop of third year medical students is being mercilessly thrown into the fiery pit of hell known as your average hospital. Having (finally finally FINALLY) completed my third year of medical school, and still recovering from the shock of making it through this year in one piece, I felt it was my duty to serve as a guide for those of you about to enter this grime-infested jungle*. It is a dangerous place, one wrought with all sorts of vicious creatures out to consume your soul while you must still combat the most lethal of your own kind (Does this make any sense? I was referring to medical students. Sorry, a few weeks away and I’m a bit rusty with my impending doom metaphors). But fear not. Wait, actually, fear some. Or a lot. Regardless, I am going to do my best to serve as your guide and help you navigate through these treacherous parts of the world, parts where no sane being would ever tread. But first, a quick editing note to help you in your quest. This guide will be written in a certain style to convey both the creature type and its hospital appropriate name, in a manner such as:

Dashingly Attractive Lion (Fake Doctor): This creature, known for a steady stream of hyperbole-shit…

OK, you get the idea. So without further ado, I give you…


The Fake Doctor Ultimate Wilderness Survival Guide

Chameleon (Shifty MS3): About as annoying as the song that bears the same name (you can thank me in three hours when that song is still in your head), this particular jungle inhabitant is known for changing its colors to fit the surroundings, to the chagrin of any other creatures in its vicinity. After all, the chameleon just makes everyone else look bad by virtue of its undying fake love for…whatever rotation it is currently on, regardless of what it may have said on previous rotations. On pediatrics? The chameleon tells its superiors it will become a pediatrician. On colorectal surgery? The chameleon is going to be a colorectal surgeon. However, underlying all of these changes lies the chameleon’s true colors: brown and black, much like the bullshit they continue to expel. Avoid the chameleon at all costs.

Grizzly Bears (Surgeons): The mighty grizzly bear is often found intimidating other creatures for no obvious reason, raising its mighty paws and roaring with its might voice. However, a common and useful deterrent for these creatures is simply mimicking the same roar with the same hand gestures. You’ll find that with appropriate application of this technique, the grizzly bear will be fearful, whimper a bit, and make like a Berenstain Bear before scurrying away, proving that behind their rough exterior one will find amid the fur a stunningly small sense of self-worth, not to mention an itty bitty little penis.

Bat (Radiologist): These creatures prefer the dark, no matter what the date or time. They feed off the pictures of others, sucking money from the neck veins of every single consult. But be careful when you approach the bats, as they can be very irritable among the ignorant, and also towards the hapless medical student told to “go ask radiology what their read on the film is” when the medical student doesn’t even know who the patient is and then when the bat demands more clinical information the medical student doesn’t know so the bat starts screaming mercilessly at the medical student and kicks him out of their dark lair in a fiery rage and this makes the medical student sad but the bat doesn't care that the medical student was being scutted out in the first place for someone else's patient and could never have known the clinical information. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Hedgehogs (Your Friendly Manic Resident): 2,834,290,234 things to do and 10 minutes to do it? Fear not, because the mighty hedgehog is there to do everything that needs to be done. It is still unclear how the hedgehog pulls this all off without a steady dose of amphetamines, crack, and the occasional visit to the friendly community beaver, but somehow they do it. All while being verbally and sometimes physically abused by their superiors, no less. Admire the hedgehog, but don’t expect to see one standing still for too long. Unless it’s already dead, of course, in which case you should just keep walking and pretend like nothing happened.

Leprechaun (You Know Who You Are): Known to infest the most foul and wretched of enchanted forests, this creature has a penchant for awkwardness, a complete lack of social skills, and questionable grooming of the nether regions. The leprechaun also has a penchant for latching onto unsuspecting male passers by and trying desperately to get their attention, to no avail…especially to some dashingly attractive lions who just wish she’d leave them alone.

Grumpy Turtle (Neurologist): For one jungle creature, time has officially stopped. Yes, for the grumpy turtle, there is no incentive to move quickly through the terrain of the jungle, because if it is fun to round on two patients in two hours, it is even more fun to round on two patients in five hours. Slower than your average turtles, these special grumpy turtles are also notable for having absolutely no friends, family, significant others, or semblance of a social life, preferring instead to huddle in the remotest corners of the jungle, imagine using their reflex hammers as lightsabers, and spend hours figuring out where exactly a patient’s problem is before proceeding to do exactly the same thing they would have done had they not spent said hours ruminating about localization of the lesion. When you see one plodding along, there is no need to run away; just walk casually. You’ll still beat these fuckers by a mile.

Beavers (Nurses): Ah, the beaver. One of the more mystical creatures of the jungle, the beaver must bear the brunt of responsibility in carrying out what the other creatures need, furiously building dams to protect the dry lands and maintain the…umm…OK honestly I don’t know what exactly beavers do or how they do it, but I know my life would be meaningless without the beaver, and I hope to see more soon. Know the beaver, befriend the beaver, make the beaver love you, and you shall be loved in return. I am not sure I could be any more shameless right now. Actually…hold on just one second…

Evil Beavers (Nurses): Opposing the eternally good nature of regular beavers, evil beavers make up a small percentage of the jungle population and serve only one purpose: to destroy the dam that the good beavers were making, inciting rage and fury from the rest of the jungle inhabitants. What the hell is wrong with these bitc-err I mean beavers? I bet if evil beavers wrapped their lips around some of those firm pieces of wood used to make the dams they wouldn’t be so wound tight, mean, and bitchy all the time. Do not put the beaver on a pedestal, as the evil ones ruin it for everyone. Just so you know, my life has just reached a new low.

Mosquito (Painful MS3): These nuisances, always buzzing about, yapping in front of the entire team about how they have already read many of the latest journal articles on every topic imaginable, constantly providing a steady stream of journal articles for the team to read, persistently condescending to their peers, are complete and utter pains in the ass. Their bite, whether physical or in the form of daily (yes, daily) journal articles presented to the group, only serves to make you look like a monumental slacker for not being insane, and the subsequent itching will drive you mad. The only way to conquer these foes is to use copious amounts of bug repellant to kill the fuckers. Literally. Spray that shit everywhere, even in their eyes. I have no other idea how to shut these freaks up.

Bunny (you, the incoming MS3): Awww, aren’t they just adorable? These new little bunny rabbits in their short white coats? Getting all lost and confused all the time, never knowing what to do, where to go, and who to report to? With those big, beautiful eyes?
Welcome to hell, bitches!


I hope this guide was helpful, and I hope your third year of medical school brings you success, enlightenment, and a beaver or two to call your own. Good hunting.


*Yes, I am aware that not all of these creatures would ever be found in a real jungle, much less in reality. That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a total asshole for wanting to point that out.

33 Comments:

Blogger Dr. Wannabe said...

HAHA

I wonder what animal the premedical shadower would be... Probably some clumsy animal that always in the way.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Again: You're really convincing me to stay away from med school here. But then I watch an episode of Scrubs on YouTube and everything's okay again.

4:25 AM  
Blogger Dr. A said...

Hilarious. "Befriend The Beaver" Should put this on t-shirts and mugs and things. I'd buy it.

5:31 AM  
Blogger Jax said...

Heheh! I have similar posts - one is the Twelve Types of Medical Student. The other is the 6 Types of Attending. Yours is funnier though. ;)

8:34 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hey! I work with an Evil Beaver...she's a Leprechaun in disguise. She's got some mental issues, but that is beside the point.

Being a Beaver myself, I can concur that if you are nice to us, we will build dams for you. If you are assholes to us, we will drop the dam right on your head when you are not looking.

10:37 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

Great. Some wiseass will now turn his pants pockets inside out, and wander around asking the beavers to "Kiss the bunny between the ears."

I can almost guarantee it.

12:59 PM  
Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

Another great post. I adore you!!! Very few bloggers have the power to make me laugh like you do. :)

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

the pic of he evil beaver is inspired. God, I wish that woman would be hit by a bus

4:23 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

gosh, i'd think you'd sound a little more refreshed after a whole 2 day summer vacation!
just one more yr!!! hang in there

7:22 PM  
Anonymous may said...

i still stand firm on my personal belief that i am one of the beavers. although, i confess i wish i am as skinny as the evil beaver :)

you don't really have to befriend me, just show a little respect. it always goes a long long long way...

3:30 PM  
Blogger genderist said...

I always want to protect the little bunnies from the big, scary grizzly bears... Some of the stupid stuff they make you do is just wrong and slightly masochistic.

6:37 PM  
Blogger The Angry Frenchie said...

Evil Beavers are evil.

Especially Mann Coulter.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm wondering if the Fake Doctor has had enough time to hear about Natalie Portman's supposed upcoming nude scene in "Goya's Ghosts" (Apologies if this has already been mentioned, I only checked the comments of the last couple posts for references to it).

7:24 PM  
Blogger Chole said...

too funny... being a beaver in training.. i too have met the evil beavers.. and many of the other creatures in the jungle.. and some of the bitches need to go down!!

6:29 PM  
Blogger Shannon & Aaron said...

Don't be afraid of medical students readers, as a recent survivor of the jungle, I can honestly say that its all worth it. Although there is more work as an intern, it is infinately better than being a student. I hope to make it a bit easier for the 3rd-yr students on my team. You guys are great - you just keep getting smarter! Have you decided on your 4th-yr electives? That was a tough time for me.

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

premedical shadower = squirrel... skipping around everywhere, nibbling on their acorns and getting hit by cars on the highway just paved through the jungle

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what is a Leprechan?

5:54 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

"Know the beaver, befriend the beaver, make the beaver love you, and you shall be loved in return."

Finally, a med-student who has learned something while in school. You have just made your life 100x's easier. A respected nurse will do anything for you.

8:31 PM  
Anonymous jules said...

this post is fucKing awesome--it made me laugh. you rock.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Haversian Canal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:22 AM  
Blogger Haversian Canal said...

liked it

1:27 AM  
Blogger GodHelpMe said...

Welcome to hell right? It will be worth it. Right now I am even lower then you on the toldem pole.. well to a point. For those of you that haven't met an Orthpedic Surgeon just wait... 99.999% of them are ASS HOLES. Any how great tutorial can't wait. And watch out for those damn evil beavers they love to eat fresh wood. Hmm... no pun intended.

1:39 AM  
Blogger Sid Schwab said...

Good post. As a grizzly bear myself, I can't really disagree. Except for the penis thing.

4:01 PM  
Blogger drjss'ka said...

I had an encounter with a Bat on my 1st day, exactly as described. I was sent to get the results on a pt, no idea who/what/where/when/or why the test was done, but I went to find out. No only was I scolded and sent out, it was in front of about 15 bats-in-training.

4:35 AM  
Anonymous WeNdY said...

You Rawk!!! Absolutely effing hilarious!

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Willow-esque said...

You didn't mention the OB-Gyn team! I think they're probably tigers (big mean cats).

Psychiatrists (like me!) should probably be the only actual homo sapiens in the jungle. (jk, jk).

Thanks for a good laugh!

2:53 AM  
Blogger Karen Little said...

You forgot the poacher - you know the one who steals all your patients, procedures, and attention. She's usually cunningly disguised as a cow.

Or... maybe... she's a cow and a poacher, at the same time!

2:00 PM  
Blogger kt said...

good god! i just found you through about a nurse and i must say i was at the right place at the right time for once. HILARIOUS! please do befriend the beaver, as a working beaver..i admit i respond to flattery and shamelessly do as i am asked.

9:31 AM  
Blogger SPC said...

you have to create one for the orthopedic surgeon or have you not been there yet? Can't wait to hear what you have to say about those crazy people who breathe too much nitrous oxide .

8:19 AM  
Blogger JesusFreak84 said...

Heh, just shared this with a pre-med friend of mine who'll be in med school next year. Figured she ought be warned. ;-)

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is very accurate. Except for the appealing humor, your account of medical school is real.

Forgot about the classmates wanting to rip out each others throats, deceiving each other about what to study, and rumors/drama that would make an inmate's toenails curl.

ER, Scrubs, House, etc. is so out of touch it is frustrating to watch.

Pre-medical and medical students: You medical school will wring the compassion from you.

Trust me baby.

11:33 AM  
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