Welcome To The Jungle
Dashingly Attractive Lion (Fake Doctor): This creature, known for a steady stream of hyperbole-shit…
OK, you get the idea. So without further ado, I give you…
The Fake Doctor Ultimate Wilderness Survival Guide
Chameleon (Shifty MS3): About as annoying as the song that bears the same name (you can thank me in three hours when that song is still in your head), this particular jungle inhabitant is known for changing its colors to fit the surroundings, to the chagrin of any other creatures in its vicinity. After all, the chameleon just makes everyone else look bad by virtue of its undying fake love for…whatever rotation it is currently on, regardless of what it may have said on previous rotations. On pediatrics? The chameleon tells its superiors it will become a pediatrician. On colorectal surgery? The chameleon is going to be a colorectal surgeon. However, underlying all of these changes lies the chameleon’s true colors: brown and black, much like the bullshit they continue to expel. Avoid the chameleon at all costs.
Grizzly Bears (Surgeons): The mighty grizzly bear is often found intimidating other creatures for no obvious reason, raising its mighty paws and roaring with its might voice. However, a common and useful deterrent for these creatures is simply mimicking the same roar with the same hand gestures. You’ll find that with appropriate application of this technique, the grizzly bear will be fearful, whimper a bit, and make like a Berenstain Bear before scurrying away, proving that behind their rough exterior one will find amid the fur a stunningly small sense of self-worth, not to mention an itty bitty little penis.
Bat (Radiologist): These creatures prefer the dark, no matter what the date or time. They feed off the pictures of others, sucking money from the neck veins of every single consult. But be careful when you approach the bats, as they can be very irritable among the ignorant, and also towards the hapless medical student told to “go ask radiology what their read on the film is” when the medical student doesn’t even know who the patient is and then when the bat demands more clinical information the medical student doesn’t know so the bat starts screaming mercilessly at the medical student and kicks him out of their dark lair in a fiery rage and this makes the medical student sad but the bat doesn't care that the medical student was being scutted out in the first place for someone else's patient and could never have known the clinical information. Not that I’m bitter or anything.
Hedgehogs (Your Friendly Manic Resident): 2,834,290,234 things to do and 10 minutes to do it? Fear not, because the mighty hedgehog is there to do everything that needs to be done. It is still unclear how the hedgehog pulls this all off without a steady dose of amphetamines, crack, and the occasional visit to the friendly community beaver, but somehow they do it. All while being verbally and sometimes physically abused by their superiors, no less. Admire the hedgehog, but don’t expect to see one standing still for too long. Unless it’s already dead, of course, in which case you should just keep walking and pretend like nothing happened.
Leprechaun (You Know Who You Are): Known to infest the most foul and wretched of enchanted forests, this creature has a penchant for awkwardness, a complete lack of social skills, and questionable grooming of the nether regions. The leprechaun also has a penchant for latching onto unsuspecting male passers by and trying desperately to get their attention, to no avail…especially to some dashingly attractive lions who just wish she’d leave them alone.
Grumpy Turtle (Neurologist): For one jungle creature, time has officially stopped. Yes, for the grumpy turtle, there is no incentive to move quickly through the terrain of the jungle, because if it is fun to round on two patients in two hours, it is even more fun to round on two patients in five hours. Slower than your average turtles, these special grumpy turtles are also notable for having absolutely no friends, family, significant others, or semblance of a social life, preferring instead to huddle in the remotest corners of the jungle, imagine using their reflex hammers as lightsabers, and spend hours figuring out where exactly a patient’s problem is before proceeding to do exactly the same thing they would have done had they not spent said hours ruminating about localization of the lesion. When you see one plodding along, there is no need to run away; just walk casually. You’ll still beat these fuckers by a mile.
Beavers (Nurses): Ah, the beaver. One of the more mystical creatures of the jungle, the beaver must bear the brunt of responsibility in carrying out what the other creatures need, furiously building dams to protect the dry lands and maintain the…umm…OK honestly I don’t know what exactly beavers do or how they do it, but I know my life would be meaningless without the beaver, and I hope to see more soon. Know the beaver, befriend the beaver, make the beaver love you, and you shall be loved in return. I am not sure I could be any more shameless right now. Actually…hold on just one second…
Evil Beavers (Nurses): Opposing the eternally good nature of regular beavers, evil beavers make up a small percentage of the jungle population and serve only one purpose: to destroy the dam that the good beavers were making, inciting rage and fury from the rest of the jungle inhabitants. What the hell is wrong with these bitc-err I mean beavers? I bet if evil beavers wrapped their lips around some of those firm pieces of wood used to make the dams they wouldn’t be so wound tight, mean, and bitchy all the time. Do not put the beaver on a pedestal, as the evil ones ruin it for everyone. Just so you know, my life has just reached a new low.
Mosquito (Painful MS3): These nuisances, always buzzing about, yapping in front of the entire team about how they have already read many of the latest journal articles on every topic imaginable, constantly providing a steady stream of journal articles for the team to read, persistently condescending to their peers, are complete and utter pains in the ass. Their bite, whether physical or in the form of daily (yes, daily) journal articles presented to the group, only serves to make you look like a monumental slacker for not being insane, and the subsequent itching will drive you mad. The only way to conquer these foes is to use copious amounts of bug repellant to kill the fuckers. Literally. Spray that shit everywhere, even in their eyes. I have no other idea how to shut these freaks up.
Bunny (you, the incoming MS3): Awww, aren’t they just adorable? These new little bunny rabbits in their short white coats? Getting all lost and confused all the time, never knowing what to do, where to go, and who to report to? With those big, beautiful eyes?
Welcome to hell, bitches!
I hope this guide was helpful, and I hope your third year of medical school brings you success, enlightenment, and a beaver or two to call your own. Good hunting.
*Yes, I am aware that not all of these creatures would ever be found in a real jungle, much less in reality. That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a total asshole for wanting to point that out.