ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Haiku. Bless You.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Haiku. Bless You.

Rather than exhaust my questionable literary abilities entertaining the masses (i.e. the three people reading this blog right now) during the last few weeks, I have been busy completing an away rotation and my application for residency. While I will not spoil what I have actually decided to pursue at this moment (since this decision is apt to change at least another 46 times in the next three days) and I have not come anywhere near finishing my application in the first place, I thought I’d take a break from all this nonsense and share with you my personal statement*. However, I have chosen to deviate from my own guidelines on how to write one of these pieces of crap in order to pursue a slightly more nuanced approach. And by nuanced I mean write my personal statement as a series of haikus chronicling my medical school journey and decision to apply for residency so that I stand out and express my ability to embrace other cultures (because lets face it, when you’re a white Jewish male in a medical career, you don’t have much going for you in terms of diversity). Also, it’s fun to write haikus. Please enjoy, please be inspired, please find some enlightenment, and please refrain from screaming at me if one of my masterpieces does not fit the exact formatting of the haiku. Jerk.

My Medical Journey

How does one begin?
The everlasting journey
Is wrought with douchebags.

I started my time
Hopeful about the future
Longing for the past.

It was not long ‘till
I was a lone outsider
Hungry for bitches.

Medical school stinks,
I fondly recall thinking
Before binge drinking.

I drank the first year
Instead of studying stuff.
Beer goes in the mouth.

My anatomy
Course was cancelled halfway but
I know where clit is.

Year two, much the same
All leading up to Step 1
I almost went nuts.

My future foggy,
I entered the hospitals.
I was, am, the bitch.

Some doctors suck balls,
So my peers had to decide
To kiss ass or balls.

I felt lost a lot
Like Screech in a porno film
Hard to find treasure.

Deciding on the
Next thirty years of life while
Taking a big dump?

The future, cloudy.
My intellect slowed by school
My boredom intact.

Three years have past since
I started this poop-a-thon.
Kill me now, they say.

Why continue that,
When I would rather ask this:
Would you like fries, sir?

I still do not know.
Residency awaits me.
I question my skills.

Please accept me now
To your fine residency,
I can juggle well.


*Any relation to the actual, less stylistically interesting, more sappy, equally pointless personal statement I will be submitting for serious consideration is purely coincidental. But don’t think submitting this trash hasn’t crossed my mind.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

get on your knees and blow me

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you have any idea how freakin giddy i got when i saw you had a new post???? lol... entertaining as always... this beaver in training will keep coming back for more!!!

5:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If they don't accept you with that, they're crazy! The way you reference popular (or not) culture such as Screech's porno, classic!

5:30 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

Hooray, another post! I just finished my application, and I was so tempted to just make the personal statement a big smiling face, but I couldn't figure out how to digitize that.

And I chickened out.

5:43 PM  
Blogger sadielady said...

A new post ... yay! Ah, I still adore you. And since I am now considering a move to San Francisco, I have to ask ... if I move to California, will you meet me for coffee? Or a drink? Or three? Or sex? Did I mention I'm willing to convert to judaism?

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like Chole, I got absofrigginlutely giddy when I saw that you fiiiiiinally wrote a new post. You're like cocaine to me.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Krupo said...

For a long moment I thought "usmle" said "usmile".


8:05 PM  
Blogger S. said...

Wow, you've got yourself quite an...um...faithful audience.

8:22 PM  
Blogger Twanna A. Hines | FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com said...

Okay, I'm really sorry, but I couldn't read anything further after I saw the link to the article about Screech & the sex tape.


I'll never be able to watch Saved By the Bell in the same light. First Elizabeth Berkley. Now this!??!

8:53 PM  
Blogger Gregory House, PA-C said...

I'm about going to be writing my personal statement for med school soon enough and I think I might try this route. Thanks for the idea!

9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so freakin hilarious. how did you end up in medicine?

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha you're awesome!! =) is it really that bad?

7:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't think u have the guts for women..look at this blog, so many people wanna meet you..you don't have time man.

7:08 AM  
Blogger L.Bo Marie said...

as always.. thank you.

9:21 AM  
Blogger genderist said...

your blog makes me smile
(yet makes me glad I chose not
to persue med school)

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait until you start getting paid for work you used to pay $30,000 a year to do. Once you get the interviews done and match nonsense behind you, it's a whole new impossibly-trying-but-at-least-you-can-afford-basic-cable ballgame. Although, to paraphrase Dave Concepcion, "residency ha' bin bery good to me". Even when it's bad, it's good.

5:28 PM  
Blogger J-man said...

your sister said to check your blog out... CLASSIC HAIKUs.
"beer goes in the mouth"

6:45 PM  
Blogger carolinagirl79 said...

I was deeply moved by this post. Truly, the world of poetry will suffer as you pursue your calling to heal the sick.

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Applying to school
Your website restores laughter
To one nervous girl

Great post:-)

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi the fake doctor! I came across your site while perusing the crack cocaine of my life: Student Doctor Network. You are my new favorite internet person (this is an immense honor for a person of my dorkitude) and I have introduced you to my dorky friends who LOVE you also. You help me procrastinate from doing the truly horrible secondaraies I have left for the very end. You rock my socks. Sincerely,
fellow bruin

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

can i use this for CaRMS?

11:19 PM  
Blogger B said...


The beer made me laugh. Medicine apparently goes with beer well. The best thing ever: I also found it in a fresh doctor's handbook. As a sane-keeper. Especially if mixed with friends. Oh, the book .

7:56 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

hee hee

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um yea you are going to be a horrible doctor. think of the people that would give their right leg to have your spot in medical school and all you can do is complain. pathetic ungrateful little snot. you should be ashamed of yourself. as someone in one of the top 15 medical schools worldwide, I am not really impressed with your drivel.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

Disagreeing with anonymous above...doctors need to have a sense of humour and the fake doc's is spot on.

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a final year Aussie med student to graduate in a few months. Thanks - your blog has kept me sane through exams. Funny stuff.

And to 'Anonymous' ("as someone in one of the top 15 medical schools worldwide...")- wow, you truely are a f*cktard, aren't you?

6:44 AM  
Blogger A. said...

oh you're back. and bringing the funny (beer, Screech, etc.) to boot! can't wait for you to regale us with tales from residency.

6:39 PM  
Blogger FunnyGal KAT said...

I vote for handing in the haiku! It would definitely make your application stand out (and show them that there are doctors with personalities out there). Good luck with whatever you decide to submit.

10:35 AM  
Blogger The Spun Doctor said...

Youre solution to Hypertalkers (in your first year)... Absolute Fucking Genius.

Youre blog is my new online-Mecca while being bored to death in histo or ignoring the thousands of emails about the so-and-so kiss-ass interest group.

I put a link to your site on my blog. If you want me to take it down, no problem. I though my friends who are not in med school would be able to relate to you also.

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay so let's see...

we're both jewish.
in 2 or so years i too shall commit suicide, i mean, attempt to go to med school.
i'm known as a sarcastic asshole and i believe others would describe you as such....in the most loving way, of course. oh, and we both have superfluous third nipples. soul mates?

8:03 AM  
Blogger Daphnewood said...

if you think you don't have time now, wait until intern year! muhahahaha! Sorry, it really won't be that bad if you chose pediatrics....

BTW I learn so many new words on your blog comments section. I know a lot of the medical terms already but "mangina", "dorkitude" and "f*cktard" are new to me. I am going to use them as soon as possible.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I'm a nurse.

A friend of mine (a family practice doc)and I have a running joke...

"15 months job ready"

The vocational nurse program is 15 months long. She swears she'd have been better off there.

6:32 AM  
Blogger Febrifuge said...

Fake Doc; have you seen
The EM Haiku thread, here,
At the SDN?

Even if you're not
Headed for Emergency,
You should check it out.

Not to mention, you
Have the right attitude to
Be an EM doc.

12:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry, you'll be out there leaving a trail of poisoned and mangled bodies soon enough. But it won't bother you as much after you deposit the checks.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've sent your blog to all my med-school friends (or so they were before they became prisoners of med school)... they all agree with everything you said... buuut they told me to try and coming to the Caribbean for a week .. hehehe I'll bet you'll change to poetry before the first day ends! hahahahah

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's an entire comment rant about you on my blog.
aka Shrink Rap
Check out the comments under the latest podcast post.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u are adorable.. sorry im not a young hot jewish female... but i wish

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think med school sucks, just wait until you're an intern. Hope you chose wisely (tip: if you're not on the ROAD, you're in serious trouble)

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"as someone in one of the top 15 medical schools worldwide, I am not really impressed with your drivel."

I went to a better med school than you and I'm going to a better residency. I think his drivel is funny. Go read uptodate or harrisons or whatever else you losers do.

1:31 PM  
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8:41 AM  

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