Ask The Fake Doctor 5
Judging by the increasing hostility among the most recent batch of comments I have received, and drawing upon my skillful clinical acumen, I have concluded that the main reason for this newfound anger is that I have for too long neglected you, the reader, hogging this forum for my own ramblings, misgivings, and false pretenses without giving you the opportunity to sound off. It is with this humbling admission that I offer you this, my latest attempt to answer your questions about medical school, life, the world’s mysteries, and so on. Please enjoy, and feel free to send me your questions, comments, and concerns, however off the wall, and I’ll try my best to answer them…uhh, when I’m not saving all those lives.
A few quick points before I begin:
1. I appreciate the outpouring of concern regarding my drinking habits. Even more so, I appreciate those of you who have chosen to admonish my relatively mild drinking habits, even when I’m clearly just making fun of myself while I do this. Christ, people, it’s a freaking joke.
2. Thanks for all the comments regarding scrubs vs. nice clothes. Based on the wide range of opinions, I came to absolutely no conclusion whatsoever. Strong work, everyone. I also learned that I look hot either way, so I guess I’ll just do what my boss says.
3. This post is long. Apologies to attention spans, everywhere.
By the way, I’m totally fucking wasted right now.
I had to g
oogle around a little bit to find the post on your blog where he mentions him name, but whatever happened to that guy Kevin Jordan? Did you post an update about him? Did I miss it?
-F.B.C.
Kevin, where have you gone? Alas, I have not heard from Mr. Jordan since November, 2005, and can only assume he successfully scored with that Jewish girl of his dreams (no joke) he was telling me about and has not left her bedroom since.
How do you manage to maintain your sense of cool and not lose your temper? How did you not respond "'Honey then what the hell DO you do around here??" I suppose that's why I never considered medicine as a career. Too many people (idiots) to deal with!
-D.
The only way I can maintain any semblance of cool, and believe me, there’s not much cool there, is by finding my own personal happy place (thanks, Happy). It conveniently turns out that this happy place is pretty simple to find. The way you find it is by looking at your surroundings. If you do not see patients, doctors, nurses, or anything resembling a hospital, then congratulations, you’ve found my happy place. This happy place is sometimes augmented by the occasional addition of a scantily clad Natalie Portman lying on a couch waiting for me, depending on my state of consciousness. But, umm, ya, as long as it’s somewhere not in the hospital that will be swell. I think this might be a problem.
Someone once told me that one can detach a scrotum with only a few pounds of pressure. Is this true? I've been threatening my future husband with it from time to time, but would like to know if it works in case one day i really need to use it.
-A.R.
I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting, the fact that someone out there is seriously thinking about this issue and how to potentially apply it to her future husband, or that someone out there actually thinks I have managed to detach my own balls and can therefore speak from personal experience in detailing how much effort it takes to remove one’s scrotum.
But just in case you’re curious, turns out it doesn’t hurt at all.
You like big butts? And you still can't get a girlfriend? Huh...
-Anonymous
I'm curious as to why the girls you (don't quite manage to) date have to be Jewish?
-S.M.
Let’s see if this clears things up. I love burritos. Specifically, I love Baja Fresh burritos (Especially the bean and cheese with black beans, pico de gallo, green sauce…wait, what was the question? Oh, right.). I really love these burritos. I’ve grown up with these burritos, I know them, am comfortable ordering them, know their consistency, their smell, their texture, their taste, etc. These burritos are comfortable with me, too (although the last few burritos I’ve eaten have given me a fair amount of heartburn). Now, I also know that there are many other types of burritos out there, and I’ve heard great things about them. I’m sure they’re great, and the one’s I’ve encountered in the past have all been special in their own right. But, when it comes down to it, they are not Baja Fresh burritos. And that’s why I only date Jewish girls.
Oh, and if my parents caught me at a Chipotle they’d kill me.
(Feel free to take this analogy as far as you’d like. For instance, you can go with “The problem with you, Fake Doctor, is that you just don’t know how to handle a burrito, much less a Baja Fresh burrito", “There’s a high probability that burrito is going to give you a heart attack in 30 years”, or even “I wonder which type of burrito gives you more gas”.)
What was that last comment "Christ..." . I thought you were Jewish! Maybe u can stop substituting my Saviour for some other word when you think of swearing!
-M.D.
I would, but other substations just don’t have that same zing. For example, “Buddha, I can’t believe I just sank to this pathetic level for a joke!” or “Krishna, that dog just took a shit on our lawn!”. ‘Nuff said.
Why are most doctors such social dipshits? No, don't answer that, I already know. It's the profession.
-Anonymous
Thanks. For a more detailed exploration of this topic, I recommend Ah Yes, Medical School, year’s 1-3.
Oh, come on, people. Do you honestly think this frat boy is for real? This is all just way too over the top. Someone is really getting his rocks off with all the attention. I bet this whole blog is a fake.
-Anonymous
Sorry, but I think this guy is in need of some tough love. Up until now his 'tude probably hasn't been a huge issue because his patients are a captive audience, so to speak. Real-world patients are unfortunately going to be a lot less tolerant of his brand of humor, especially when it is directed at them. And some of them are going to complain, and hospital and clinic administrators tend to take notice of these things.
-Anonymous
If you think standardized patients are a boring waste of your time, I seriously doubt you are ready to be unleashed on real live patients. Sorry, I am not a member of your fan club. Your humor is sophomoric and often loaded with hostility. And please tell me you were kidding about getting drunk halfway through the day. You have some issues. Seriously.
-Anonymous
Look, I have always welcomed all comments, whether they be flattering, critical, or somewhere in between. So I’m fine with people who read this blog and conclude that I’m insensitive, dangerous, a loser, unsuitable as a doctor, a liar, pathetic, rude, a raging alcoholic, and so on. You may even think I've made all of this up, and that I'm actually a 14 year old girl from suburban New Hampshire passing the time away writing this when I'm not gossiping about boys, which is fine. But “sophomoric humor”? Ouch, that one really hurts. I mean, I’m trying really hard here. In the past year alone I’ve touched on major philosophical bodies of thought like the mind-body problem and existensialism, I’ve explored evolution and linguistics, and I’ve commented on some of the major social issues of the day, like sanitation, geographical squabbles, and necrophilia. I guess what this feedback is telling me is that I’ll just have to try harder in the future, blocking out all things gross and instead focusing on a different, cleaner, less frat-ish brand of humor.
Oh, and by the way, if you’re ever looking for a good proctologist to remove the rod that is firmly entrenched up your ass, I’ve got a good one for you. I mean, honestly, “frat boy”? Those of you who know me in person know how hilarious that is.
Hey…just wondering, is it ethical to post what you just posted?
-Z.
Let’s try to apply Occam’s Razor (is that better, Anonymous?) to this question. I either a) deceptively whipped out my camera in a crowded ER full of my superiors and snapped a photo of my patient’s massively swollen scrotum without either the patient or my superiors noticing, knowing full well that I was violating not only every privacy law ever written but also any shriveling remains of my internal morals and ethics, or b) I typed “swollen scrotum” into Google image search and found something that rather nicely resembled my patient’s scrotum for use in this post. I’ll let you decide. (Thanks to the commenter who hinted at this similar conclusion a little while ago.)
Can you make a post about all the medical vocab you've picked up over the years? I really doubt you used the word "decompensate" before medical school. I'm going to med school in the fall, and I've always been intimidated by the arcane vocabulary of my med student friends.
-D.G., New Haven, Conn.
Here are a few fun words and phrases I’ve picked up so far, and I’ll try to come up with something more complete in the future:
1. FLK (“funny looking kid”) - Apparently you can’t write “retard” in a progress note,. but somehow this is OK.
2. Erythematous – “Red” just ain’t gonna cut it anymore.
3. FOS (“full of shit”) - This handy acronym works equally well in GI and psychiatry clinics.
4. GI Rounds – If you ever hear that expression, it means the doctors are all about to leave you sitting around in clinic for another 30 minutes while they go out for lunch.
5. Liver Rounds –If you ever hear that expression, it means the doctors are all about to leave you sitting around in clinic for another 30 minutes while they go get wasted. They may or may not return.
6. UBS (“Ugly Baby Syndrome”) - No one’s going to say it to your face, but when we see an ugly baby, we have to say something.
7. Pedunculated – It means “having a stalk” in reference to polyps, etc., but who cares? I put it hear because I like saying “pedunculated”.
And, in conclusion, a tie:
I love how you must, no matter what, throw in some line of how sex deprived you are into every article you write. You’re a funny guy- you really are, but these repeated one-liners about girls sending you naked pictures are getting old. Has it ever worked? … Even once? Do yourself a favor and do either of the following: steal some kind of drug from the hospital and use it to date rape either a fellow medical student/nurse/or your roommate. Or B.) Take a walk down to the psyche ward and force yourself on some bi-polar teen, who’s allegations would simply be dismissed.
-R.
Can you be gay for me please?
-Anonymous
I love my readers.
A few quick points before I begin:
1. I appreciate the outpouring of concern regarding my drinking habits. Even more so, I appreciate those of you who have chosen to admonish my relatively mild drinking habits, even when I’m clearly just making fun of myself while I do this. Christ, people, it’s a freaking joke.
2. Thanks for all the comments regarding scrubs vs. nice clothes. Based on the wide range of opinions, I came to absolutely no conclusion whatsoever. Strong work, everyone. I also learned that I look hot either way, so I guess I’ll just do what my boss says.
3. This post is long. Apologies to attention spans, everywhere.
By the way, I’m totally fucking wasted right now.
I had to g
oogle around a little bit to find the post on your blog where he mentions him name, but whatever happened to that guy Kevin Jordan? Did you post an update about him? Did I miss it?-F.B.C.
Kevin, where have you gone? Alas, I have not heard from Mr. Jordan since November, 2005, and can only assume he successfully scored with that Jewish girl of his dreams (no joke) he was telling me about and has not left her bedroom since.
How do you manage to maintain your sense of cool and not lose your temper? How did you not respond "'Honey then what the hell DO you do around here??" I suppose that's why I never considered medicine as a career. Too many people (idiots) to deal with!
-D.
The only way I can maintain any semblance of cool, and believe me, there’s not much cool there, is by finding my own personal happy place (thanks, Happy). It conveniently turns out that this happy place is pretty simple to find. The way you find it is by looking at your surroundings. If you do not see patients, doctors, nurses, or anything resembling a hospital, then congratulations, you’ve found my happy place. This happy place is sometimes augmented by the occasional addition of a scantily clad Natalie Portman lying on a couch waiting for me, depending on my state of consciousness. But, umm, ya, as long as it’s somewhere not in the hospital that will be swell. I think this might be a problem.
Someone once told me that one can detach a scrotum with only a few pounds of pressure. Is this true? I've been threatening my future husband with it from time to time, but would like to know if it works in case one day i really need to use it.
-A.R.
I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting, the fact that someone out there is seriously thinking about this issue and how to potentially apply it to her future husband, or that someone out there actually thinks I have managed to detach my own balls and can therefore speak from personal experience in detailing how much effort it takes to remove one’s scrotum.
But just in case you’re curious, turns out it doesn’t hurt at all.
You like big butts? And you still can't get a girlfriend? Huh...
-Anonymous
I'm curious as to why the girls you (don't quite manage to) date have to be Jewish?
-S.M.
Let’s see if this clears things up. I love burritos. Specifically, I love Baja Fresh burritos (Especially the bean and cheese with black beans, pico de gallo, green sauce…wait, what was the question? Oh, right.). I really love these burritos. I’ve grown up with these burritos, I know them, am comfortable ordering them, know their consistency, their smell, their texture, their taste, etc. These burritos are comfortable with me, too (although the last few burritos I’ve eaten have given me a fair amount of heartburn). Now, I also know that there are many other types of burritos out there, and I’ve heard great things about them. I’m sure they’re great, and the one’s I’ve encountered in the past have all been special in their own right. But, when it comes down to it, they are not Baja Fresh burritos. And that’s why I only date Jewish girls.
Oh, and if my parents caught me at a Chipotle they’d kill me.
(Feel free to take this analogy as far as you’d like. For instance, you can go with “The problem with you, Fake Doctor, is that you just don’t know how to handle a burrito, much less a Baja Fresh burrito", “There’s a high probability that burrito is going to give you a heart attack in 30 years”, or even “I wonder which type of burrito gives you more gas”.)
What was that last comment "Christ..." . I thought you were Jewish! Maybe u can stop substituting my Saviour for some other word when you think of swearing!
-M.D.
I would, but other substations just don’t have that same zing. For example, “Buddha, I can’t believe I just sank to this pathetic level for a joke!” or “Krishna, that dog just took a shit on our lawn!”. ‘Nuff said.
Why are most doctors such social dipshits? No, don't answer that, I already know. It's the profession.
-Anonymous
Thanks. For a more detailed exploration of this topic, I recommend Ah Yes, Medical School, year’s 1-3.
Oh, come on, people. Do you honestly think this frat boy is for real? This is all just way too over the top. Someone is really getting his rocks off with all the attention. I bet this whole blog is a fake.
-Anonymous
Sorry, but I think this guy is in need of some tough love. Up until now his 'tude probably hasn't been a huge issue because his patients are a captive audience, so to speak. Real-world patients are unfortunately going to be a lot less tolerant of his brand of humor, especially when it is directed at them. And some of them are going to complain, and hospital and clinic administrators tend to take notice of these things.
-Anonymous
If you think standardized patients are a boring waste of your time, I seriously doubt you are ready to be unleashed on real live patients. Sorry, I am not a member of your fan club. Your humor is sophomoric and often loaded with hostility. And please tell me you were kidding about getting drunk halfway through the day. You have some issues. Seriously.
-Anonymous
Look, I have always welcomed all comments, whether they be flattering, critical, or somewhere in between. So I’m fine with people who read this blog and conclude that I’m insensitive, dangerous, a loser, unsuitable as a doctor, a liar, pathetic, rude, a raging alcoholic, and so on. You may even think I've made all of this up, and that I'm actually a 14 year old girl from suburban New Hampshire passing the time away writing this when I'm not gossiping about boys, which is fine. But “sophomoric humor”? Ouch, that one really hurts. I mean, I’m trying really hard here. In the past year alone I’ve touched on major philosophical bodies of thought like the mind-body problem and existensialism, I’ve explored evolution and linguistics, and I’ve commented on some of the major social issues of the day, like sanitation, geographical squabbles, and necrophilia. I guess what this feedback is telling me is that I’ll just have to try harder in the future, blocking out all things gross and instead focusing on a different, cleaner, less frat-ish brand of humor.
Oh, and by the way, if you’re ever looking for a good proctologist to remove the rod that is firmly entrenched up your ass, I’ve got a good one for you. I mean, honestly, “frat boy”? Those of you who know me in person know how hilarious that is.
Hey…just wondering, is it ethical to post what you just posted?
-Z.
Let’s try to apply Occam’s Razor (is that better, Anonymous?) to this question. I either a) deceptively whipped out my camera in a crowded ER full of my superiors and snapped a photo of my patient’s massively swollen scrotum without either the patient or my superiors noticing, knowing full well that I was violating not only every privacy law ever written but also any shriveling remains of my internal morals and ethics, or b) I typed “swollen scrotum” into Google image search and found something that rather nicely resembled my patient’s scrotum for use in this post. I’ll let you decide. (Thanks to the commenter who hinted at this similar conclusion a little while ago.)
Can you make a post about all the medical vocab you've picked up over the years? I really doubt you used the word "decompensate" before medical school. I'm going to med school in the fall, and I've always been intimidated by the arcane vocabulary of my med student friends.
-D.G., New Haven, Conn.
Here are a few fun words and phrases I’ve picked up so far, and I’ll try to come up with something more complete in the future:
1. FLK (“funny looking kid”) - Apparently you can’t write “retard” in a progress note,. but somehow this is OK.
2. Erythematous – “Red” just ain’t gonna cut it anymore.
3. FOS (“full of shit”) - This handy acronym works equally well in GI and psychiatry clinics.
4. GI Rounds – If you ever hear that expression, it means the doctors are all about to leave you sitting around in clinic for another 30 minutes while they go out for lunch.
5. Liver Rounds –If you ever hear that expression, it means the doctors are all about to leave you sitting around in clinic for another 30 minutes while they go get wasted. They may or may not return.
6. UBS (“Ugly Baby Syndrome”) - No one’s going to say it to your face, but when we see an ugly baby, we have to say something.
7. Pedunculated – It means “having a stalk” in reference to polyps, etc., but who cares? I put it hear because I like saying “pedunculated”.
And, in conclusion, a tie:
I love how you must, no matter what, throw in some line of how sex deprived you are into every article you write. You’re a funny guy- you really are, but these repeated one-liners about girls sending you naked pictures are getting old. Has it ever worked? … Even once? Do yourself a favor and do either of the following: steal some kind of drug from the hospital and use it to date rape either a fellow medical student/nurse/or your roommate. Or B.) Take a walk down to the psyche ward and force yourself on some bi-polar teen, who’s allegations would simply be dismissed.
-R.
Can you be gay for me please?
-Anonymous
I love my readers.
posted by The Fake Doctor at 9:17 PM
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