ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: September 2006

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Haiku. Bless You.

Rather than exhaust my questionable literary abilities entertaining the masses (i.e. the three people reading this blog right now) during the last few weeks, I have been busy completing an away rotation and my application for residency. While I will not spoil what I have actually decided to pursue at this moment (since this decision is apt to change at least another 46 times in the next three days) and I have not come anywhere near finishing my application in the first place, I thought I’d take a break from all this nonsense and share with you my personal statement*. However, I have chosen to deviate from my own guidelines on how to write one of these pieces of crap in order to pursue a slightly more nuanced approach. And by nuanced I mean write my personal statement as a series of haikus chronicling my medical school journey and decision to apply for residency so that I stand out and express my ability to embrace other cultures (because lets face it, when you’re a white Jewish male in a medical career, you don’t have much going for you in terms of diversity). Also, it’s fun to write haikus. Please enjoy, please be inspired, please find some enlightenment, and please refrain from screaming at me if one of my masterpieces does not fit the exact formatting of the haiku. Jerk.

My Medical Journey

How does one begin?
The everlasting journey
Is wrought with douchebags.

I started my time
Hopeful about the future
Longing for the past.

It was not long ‘till
I was a lone outsider
Hungry for bitches.

Medical school stinks,
I fondly recall thinking
Before binge drinking.

I drank the first year
Instead of studying stuff.
Beer goes in the mouth.

My anatomy
Course was cancelled halfway but
I know where clit is.

Year two, much the same
All leading up to Step 1
I almost went nuts.

My future foggy,
I entered the hospitals.
I was, am, the bitch.

Some doctors suck balls,
So my peers had to decide
To kiss ass or balls.

I felt lost a lot
Like Screech in a porno film
Hard to find treasure.

Deciding on the
Next thirty years of life while
Taking a big dump?

The future, cloudy.
My intellect slowed by school
My boredom intact.

Three years have past since
I started this poop-a-thon.
Kill me now, they say.

Why continue that,
When I would rather ask this:
Would you like fries, sir?

I still do not know.
Residency awaits me.
I question my skills.

Please accept me now
To your fine residency,
I can juggle well.

Fin


*Any relation to the actual, less stylistically interesting, more sappy, equally pointless personal statement I will be submitting for serious consideration is purely coincidental. But don’t think submitting this trash hasn’t crossed my mind.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bland Date

Going through my emails while on my away vacat-err…rotation*, I came across one email that provided so enticing, so tempting a question that I felt it was worthy of its own entry. The relevant part of the email, contributed by D. L., is as follows:

I was wondering if you could please elaborate on…what it takes to date a medical school student. You see, i recently got myself involved with one of you bitches from a school that I'm not going to mention, and I've quickly come to realize that your breed of human being is by far one of the most demanding, selfish, narcissistic, stressed out, and high strung samples there is. The demands this places on a good hearted premed student like myself can be astronomical. The whole idea of relationships in medical school has become much more daunting than I could have ever imagined. No time for others, no time for yourself, no time for exercise, no time for sleep, no time for sex (umm.... did I say that?). You get the point. I know you're busy these days, off in the world of 4th year vacationing. But, if you could find it in your heart to shed some light on this matter, then I propose a Guide on How to Date a Medical School Student...

Wow.

Now, lets ignore for a moment what is definitely the biggest insight in this email, one that if taken seriously negates all that follows: your breed of human being is by far one of the most demanding, selfish, narcissistic, stressed out, and high strung samples there is. Exactly! Why anyone would want to date someone like this is utterly beyond me…but then again you people keep telling me that reading my nonsensical ranting makes you want to go to medical school even more, so maybe I’ve just been overestimating you all along.

Anyways, perhaps the best way to provide advice on this topic is to simply establish whether you are romantically compatible with a medical student in the first place, and let everything else in dating fall where it may once compatibility has been established. So sit back, relax, take this simple little quiz, and see how you rate. And maybe, just maybe, send me some naked pictures of yourself just in case. (Still shameless after all these years.)


The Medical Student Compatibility Test

Directions: Read the scenarios below and choose the response you most agree with. Keep a tally of how many times you choose each letter, and match the letter you chose the most with your appropriate medical student dating strategy at the bottom.

You sit down with your medical student date at a rather posh, expensive restaurant. He appears a little nervous so you decide to open up the conversation by asking him to tell you a little about himself. He quickly responds in rapid-fire speech, "Well, I graduated from Yale Summ Cum Laude with degrees in Biology and Chemistry before starting medical school two years ago. I was Phi Beta Kappa there, too. I started my research projects at Yale investigating the molecular basis of hematological malignancies, and have since continued with this work in a lab investigating these diseases from a DNA-focused level. Similarly, I have received numerous awards from this and other work, as well as getting honors in much of my medical school coursework. My extracurricular activities include working at a homeless shelter and being the president of the Radiology interest group. I am fluent in Spanish, and my hobbies include playing with my chemistry set and reading journals."
You reply:
A. "Wait, can I see your resume? Because that's incredible! I was just about to say the same thing about myself...except I graduated from Brown and my lab is focused on solid malignancies!"
B. "Wait, can I see your resume? I’m learning how to read and need to practice.”
C. "Wait, can I see your resume? I want to rub it all over my body before having my way with you, you sexy, sexy future doctor."
D. "Wait, can I see your resume? Because if I didn't know better I'd say you just read off the damn thing. Do you do anything you can’t put on it? Or did you even put down ‘Big Fucking Loser, 1981 – present’?”

You are out to dinner with a dashing young medical student, and you notice that he orders steak (you, being a woman, order a salad just so he doesn't think you are a fat pig - as an aside, let me just say that yes, ladies, it's pretty clear early on whether or not you are swine inclined before you order the salad so you might as well just eat what you want anyways, especially since the rest of the dinner is going to be spent with this loser medical student...but I digress). Conversation is flowing naturally, even if he seems a little arrogant. Then the steak arrives, and he proceeds to pick up his knife and fork in a careful manner before delicately dissecting the steak from the bone and attempting to reveal vascular structures. He notices you staring at his actions and states, "Hah, well yes, you got me, I'm training to become a big-time surgeon. Never hurts to keep practicing." You:
A. ask him to demonstrate appropriate surgical techniques before attempting to dissect the tomato in your salad.
B. ask him whether he has ever saved the life of a steak with surgery before.
C. find his surgical hands so enthralling you invite him to your apartment for a review of pelvic anatomy.
D. go to the restroom, perform some feminine hygeine, save the remains on a piece of toilet paper and hand it to him while saying, "Funny, I thought you were training to be a big-time douchebag."

Your medical student blind date informs you that she would like to meet you in the park for a peaceful Sunday afternoon walk. You arrive at the park, scanning the crowd to look for a woman by herself. You see one woman standing apart from everyone else, dressed in scrubs, a white coat, and surgical shoes with a stethoscope wrapped around her neck. You:
A. smile, knowing that you showed up equally pimped out in matching scrubs and white coat.
B. scratch your head, wondering if she is the medical student you were set up with.
C. laugh, knowing that it is much easier to quickly pull of scrub bottoms than tight-fitting jeans when you want to have sex pronto.
D. sigh, knowing that if you left right now, she'd never know you were there. You then proceed to leave.

You are at a bar with some of your girlfriends, scanning the crowd. A pasty looking white male, whose appearance includes awkwardly shifted glasses and an inordinate amount of chest hair exploding from his shirt, comes up to you and says, "Excuse me but you are beautiful. Would you like me to show you a randomized placebo controlled clinical trial demonstrating that you and I should get to know each other better? My confidence interval is 9 inches long." You respond by saying:
A. "I think the p-value on that trial is less than 0.05, baby!"
B. “I ate a placebo once, it was kind of cheesy.”
C. “You can publish that confidence interval in my journal anytime.”
D. "Why don't I tell you about the trial I just finished? It proved that if I kick you in the nuts you will leave me alone."

Your medical student date invites you to study with her at a nearby coffee shop. You arrive at the designated time and find her in her sweatpants with four different books open, two finished cups of coffee, and mounds of notes all scattered across the table. You ask her how she is doing and she starts freaking out, rattling off the massive list of things she has memorized for a test that is looming six weeks from now. You sit down and:
A. bring out your six books and personal stash of notes and begin freaking out with her.
B. pull out your copy of Hooked on Phonics and start sounding out words.
C. crawl under the table and…well you fill in the rest, there’s kids reading this. Not to mention my mom. Hi mom!
D. pick up her pile of notes and throw them in the trash, before slapping her across the face with her autographed copy of Robbins Pathology.

That’s the quiz. Now tally up your scores and see how you did.

Scoring:

If you scored a majority of A’s then…well…wait a minute. You are a medical student, silly! So of course you will be compatible with another one, because who else could complement your repertoire of obsessive-compulsiveness, narcissism, and general freak-i-tude than one of your peers? I hope you have fun together, so long as you stay as far away from me as possible. Freakshow.

If you scored a majority of B’s then you are either five years old or you are borderline retarded. Luckily for you, there is a subset of physicians who find your idiocy, often bordering on tragic, to be charming as they find comfort knowing they are the smarter person in the relationship and always will be. Which of course makes them the dumb one, since they are stuck with your dumb ass forever. The joke is on them and not on you, because, well, you wouldn’t even get it anyways. It should be noted that to make this work, you most likely will have to be female, as many guys have an inferiority complex about being in a relationship with women who are smarter than they are…but I’m not touching this topic with a 10 foot pole.

If you scored a majority of C’s then either one of two things is true: Either you are in that subset of the population that has some genetic defect making you extraordinarily attracted to and sexually forward with physicians for no obvious reason despite all of the evidence demonstrating that we are nothing but a bunch of self-absorbed weirdos, or you are just a big slut. Either way, my email is thefakedoctor@gmail.com.

If you scored a majority of D’s then frankly you can do better. A lot better. Just stay away, because dating a medical student will only bring you grief, misery, and likely a lot of sexual frustration since we spent our formative years studying instead of learning about things that matter. Do not date medical students, it’s just not worth it. OK, I think I’ve said my piece.

Well, there you have it. Are you compatible with a medical student? Do you see yourself with one longterm? Did you make it to the end of this post without falling asleep? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then congratulations and welcome to our big, happy family.

*Oh, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t been posting so often. He’s in a different city. Working hard. Adjusting to a completely insane way of life with a longer set of hours and co-workers who could make Ghandi want to kill someone. Don’t I feel like a jerk.