ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Tales From the Crypt (And By Crypt I Mean Medical School)

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tales From the Crypt (And By Crypt I Mean Medical School)

In order to maintain some sense of sanity in the midst of hardcore USMLE studying, I thought it'd be nice to take a break every now and then to write down some of the classic stories from my first two years that, for whatever reason, did not yet make it onto this blog - not because they weren't quality material (and, lets face it, if they actually were quality it might preclude them from being here in the first place), but more likely because I was probably too lazy to get around to writing them up in the first place. I will be writing these true stories (vignettes, for your USMLEers) for your enjoyment and, more importantly, for my own personal records, because for every new disease I memorize a part of my memory and soul disappears. So without further ado, I give you the first tale:

In January of our second year, we were taught the basics of the female gential exam, the "pelvic", with the expectation that we would perform said exam on models who get handsomely paid for each poke. To my absolute amazement, nothing funny happened while I was doing my pelvic. Not one damn thing. And I was even assigned to the group with the now 19-year-old in our class who, until he says otherwise, hasn't even made it past the hand holding stages (I kid because I care, David). Truly shocking.

However, if there's one thing I learned in medical school (and as I start reviewing for the boards, I haven't learned much else), it's that when there's even the slightest bit of opportunity for awkwardness, embarrassment, or humiliation, someone among the freakshows in my class will step up and seize the opportunity to do something outrageously terrible, even if it's not quite when I'd normally expect it.

Fast forward to the next day, and I'm looking at gir...err...people watc...umm...studying at the Starbucks near school (as an aside, and to satisfy my required "I'm lonely and available" message for each blog: if you are an nice Jewish female and you see someone passed out at one of the tables who faintly resembles a miserable but dashingly attractive medical student with brown hair, blue eyes, and a First Aid for the USMLE Step 1 book under his drooling mouth, please wake him up. And give him your number). It's getting late and darker outside when one of my classmates strolls in. He was decked out in his white coat, so I knew he had just come from his pelvic exam - we were required to dress professionally to remind these women that yes, we were fake doctors. While I don't want to give out his name, I will mention that he is endearingly referred in my circle of friends as the FCMA - former coolest man alive. Why? Well, I'll let you use your imagination for now and maybe I'll write up another blurb about the origins of that name later.

The FCMA approaches me as he pimp-walks (not sure how else to describe it) his way through the Starbucks crowd, a smile beaming across his face.

FCMA: "Hey dawg...how's it going?"
Me: "Good man, how about you?"
FCMA: "Great. I just came back from my pelvic exam. Awwwww maaaaaan!"
Me: "Ha! Was she cute?" (As if that matters. It's a freaking pelvic exam, not a hot second date. Although, as was so gracefully pointed out in my surprise birthday party evite a while back, it's about as close to a second date as I've gotten with anyone.)
FCMA: "No man..."
Me: "Ah wel-"
FCMA: "...but she was tight."
Me (incredulously): "What do you mean?"
FCMA: "Here man, let me show you. Stick out your finger."

I think for a moment, then stick my right pointer finger out. He opens up one of his large hands and wraps it fully around my finger. Then he starts squeezing. And squeezing. And squeezing, to the point where I was losing feeling in my finger.

FCMA: "Tight."

The moral of this story? Christ, I don't have the slightest fucking clue, I mean I can't even look at my pointer finger anymore without thinking of how the FCMA violated it. But if there's enough interest in "Medical School. It's tight." t-shirts (you can express your interest and make fun of me at the same time by posting a comment), maybe I'll try to whip something up for all my adoring fans.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Genius, pure genius. I want a t-shirt!! On the back can mine just say KMN???

3:01 PM  
Blogger vanvalen said...

I held a girls hand at my senior ball.

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please keep writing, please? My MCAT scores just came back, I'm in the process of getting my letters of recommendation together (including one I get to write myself...), writing my essays, and paying lots of money for med school applications. I need something to keep me going.

4:58 PM  
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3:48 PM  
Blogger Coffee Cheek said...

weirdly enough, I am a model for pelvic exams at a nearby medical university. It's scary that you might be commenting on my vagina when I am donating my time to actually teach you how to be a doctor and not tear a woman up. And PS, we aren't paid nearly enough.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ya, i had that done to me, but for real and the doctor finally made me put my feet in stirrups and stuck a needle in my vagina, sqeezing and feeling around. Then, my vagina ripped down to my anus, and it's never been the same today, which I am now a doctor and have done many examinations.

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Anonymous nusret said...

thank you very

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Anonymous Buy Tamiflu said...

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Anonymous mom2gcnj said...

You and your colleague make me sick to my stomach. Arrogance - pure and simple. Amen to Coffee Cheek. That woman was volunteering her body to help you power hungry brats LEARN. How dare you allow a colleague to speak of her in that way with out calling him out on it. How dare you recall the story as a funny anecdote here. Shame on you!

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

painfully funny...really..
FCMA-total MCP.
you? dude, should have justified in your story that he was a total fuckhead man...:P

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Blogger Unknown said...

i find it hilarious, as a 2nd year medical student. I don't think we have the same humor as normal ppl...especially the women who got offended through your post.

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I don't have the slightest fucking clue, I mean compras china I can't even look at my pointer finger anymore without thinking of how the FCMA violated it.

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