ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Ask The Fake Doctor 3

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Ask The Fake Doctor 3

In my third installment (Can you believe I actually made it to three of these? Me neither.) of Ask The Fake Doctor, I will do my best to answer your questions and concerns, as well as respond to any appropriate comments. But first, a few general comments I feel like I should throw out there:

1) I'd like to formally thank the kind folks at www.blogger.com for bestowing upon my blog the honor of "Blog of Note", which has given me a much wider audience and allowed me to more thoroughly gross out, disturb, and at least mildly entertain a whole host of people I don't know. Although I’m sure right now the blogger people are all sitting around their board room, shaking their heads in disgust at noting a blog that went on a vagina rant for the next three or four posts straight. Sorry everyone.
2) I have been inundated (well, at least for me) with emails and comments since this newfound notoriety began a week or two ago, including various questions, requests for links, and so on. I have tried to respond to everything I can in this and future Ask The Fake Doctors or with direct emails when appropriate, but it has been hard to find enough free time to do all this and, well, you know...save lives as the dashing third year medical student that I am. Also, I tried to add a bunch of links to my site to reflect the broader medical and blog community indicated by your various comments, but when I tried to do that I almost deleted my entire site by accident and decided to end that experiment then and there. I promise I'll try again if/when I grow larger testicles, but I appreciate the links to this site that have popped up nonetheless.
3) Mixed in with the various questions I would be able to answer (you know, about balls, vaginas, etc.) have been a few questions sent my way that involve actual (potentially serious) medical concerns. Christ guys, go to a doctor if you have a real medical question! I can't even tie my shoelaces half the time, so I'm really not qualified to give real medical advice. OK, just had to get that in print for future ass-covering medico-legal concerns. I can’t believe I just wrote “medico-legal”. It’s official, I just sold out. That didn’t take long at all.
4) I really appreciate all the feedback I have received, both positive and negative. Regarding any concerns that I simply delete comments that are not favorable, I would like to assure you all that a) the only comments I have ever intentionally deleted were obviously spam, b) I welcome negative feedback, because I am learning a lot about how my humor is (or, as is most often the case with negative feedback, is not) being interpreted by different people, and, most importantly, c) as those who know me personally can attest to, I am, in all aspects of my life, harder on myself and more self-deprecating than anyone I have ever met, and any negative feedback is probably a sampling of something I've already pointed out to myself in the past...so, in other words, feel free to tell me I'm an insensitive prick with an ego bigger than Ron Jeremy's penis who wouldn't know a vagina if it slapped me in the face (that last part, of course, may or may not actually be true).
5) Regarding the gross-out nature of the most recent post...don't say I didn't warn you! No seriously, don’t say it. Sometimes I forget that most people don't spend there days knee deep in human feces and bowel, and they are often phased by things that I have come to embrace…like feces and bowel. And since I got a bunch of questions about this, let me just clear things up by saying that sorry, it was amniotic fluid and not urine (although technically…ah screw it), the vaginal tear that woman experienced was very rare, it is (and was in that case) surgically correctable, her and her baby are doing fine, the residents did everything correctly and exactly in line with what they were supposed to do (the tear occurred when the baby burst it's big head through the woman's pelvic canal, which brings up the question of why was the baby so big in the first place? Feel free to read up on gestational diabetes and decide who, if anyone, is really at "fault".), and, as was pointed out by a commenter, that tear does not always lead to bowel incontinence. So please, ladies, keep getting pregnant, because what I described was a total freak occurrence and not the norm (which, having seen a few normal deliveries myself, is simply ghetto fabulous). Maybe you would want my help with this whole getting pregnant thing? Just thought I'd offer.

Now that all of that's out of the way, let's see what you all are made of:

a preamble: I am profoundly depressed and I have no idea what the hell I am doing in this life. content: I stumbled upon your blog randomly. So randomly, in fact, that it can not possibly be random. Dig?...so, should I try school again and become a doctor?

Unfortunately I am not a Jewish female or a female at all, however I do have a question since I am aspiring to go to med school in the far future. What advice can you give me to ward me off of this complex decision while I still have a fleeting chance?

Ignoring the broader question of fate versus free will and randomness indicated by that first email, if only because I’m not stoned and therefore not adequately prepared to discuss such matters, I will instead humbly suggest that you read through this and perhaps less cynical accounts of medical school and decide for yourself. If you are specifically interested in the application process as a microcosm for whether you should really be putting yourself through all this, as that process really feeds (or it should, in theory) on people with a genuine desire to pursue medicine, read my first Ask The Fake Doctor post, since that might help.

Dear Fake Doctor, what do you recommend for a patient who is losing his mind?

Go out, meet some girls (or guys…or both!), and get some action. Do I have a serious answer to this question? No, because I have been losing my mind for the last 2.5 years now. Actually, here’s an idea: start a blog and begin ranting about what troubles you, and someday you’ll start to feel better. At least that’s the faint slice of hope I am currently clinging to.

Have you noticed that, during the past several years of blogging, your writing, grammar, punctuation, use of initial caps, and awareness of "its" vs "it's" for "it is" has improved? Do you credit med school, the amount of time writing/blogging as increasing your awareness of how to articulate thoughts, or something else? Sad to see this talent disappear once you begin to write prescriptions.

I think it’s more that when I first started this, my mom kept telling me a) she couldn’t understand what I was writing, b) that I needed to write in something that vaguely resembled complete sentences, and c) that I needed to stop cursing so much. If you think I’m joking then you don’t have any friends with Jewish parents. My mom still tells me I curse too much. In all seriousness, I have only noticed this trend you mentioned after I went back recently to look at some of the older posts newfound readers started commenting on. I’m not sure I have any explanation for it, other than that the neurotic Jew in me wouldn’t be able to rest knowing that there were hordes of errors in stuff I had written that was being read by other people, whereas early on I was writing for an audience of three (me, my mom, and Natalie Portman).

I'm not Jewish, but I have a question: Why (and I'll restate that in big letters just to get across my confusion), oh WHY do all doctors think that drugs should be the first solution to everything? Well, except German doctors who can prescribe herbal rememdies. Why do they think it's acceptable to give you a pointless prescription full of some crappy artificial substance that will screw around with your body probably doing as much harm as good?

I have two responses this very valid question:
1) Much of the satisfaction gained from practicing medicine is in actively witnessing a positive change in a patient, and even more so knowing that you were the person at least partially responsible for that change (“I filled out the form that let the senior resident perform the surgery that saved that man’s life today mom!”). However, many medical problems these days center around chronic disease management for which there is no clear cure, so in an effort to feel like we are still helping you, we prescribe pills that often can help and hopefully at the minimum do no harm to you while possibly controlling your chronic disease. Of course, we do realize that there are side effects with medicines (as with herbal remedies, it should be noted), but there are risks inherent in any proposed method of cure. So, in summary, we dish meds out because, if nothing else, it makes us feel like we are doing something for patients even if it is not really helping all that much, because if we didn’t have that option there would really be no hope and we’d all just get depressed and quit. That, and don’t we just look so cool writing out those prescriptions?

2) Perhaps the bigger reason why we dole out all those meds is not for any fault of our own, but it’s actually all of you, the patients, that force us down this path – we dish out the drugs because the patients demand them. Oh he did not just go there! But I did, and please hear me out before clicking submit on that nasty comment (of course, feel free afterwards). Let’s take as an example what I like to call The Big Three that envelope the vast majority of medicine these days: Diabetes Mellitus Type 2, Hypertension, and Heart Disease. Yes, there are plenty of medications we give out to control these health problems, and yes, they have risks of messing with your liver, kidneys, heart, and so on. But here’s the catch: if instead of writing out a prescription for some drugs we only told you to get off your ass, exercise, and eat right, you (the royal “you”) will more often than not do some combination of a) try that plan for 2 weeks and quit, b) ignore us completely and show up three years later about to die, and c) get mad at us for not giving you some medications, where you just have to pop a few pills a day to control your blood pressure, cholesterol, etc., so that you walk out the door and complain to your friends that your doctor didn't do anything for you (of course, then there’s all of you who are given the drugs, have the means to pay for them, and still don’t take your meds, showing up at an ER years later clutching your heart in agony and demanding to know how you got to this point). Can you imagine what kind of patient revolt would occur if doctors actually stuck by the “Try diet and exercise for a year and get back to me if that doesn’t help” route, even though diet and exercise are the only things that will always work at no increased risk to the patient? I’ve seen patients literally sit there and insist on the latest drugs right after their primary care doctor I worked with spent a whole session trying to counsel them on the importance of diet and exercise. Do you see where I’m going with this? Doctor’s have an immense responsibility to provide you with healthcare and do so with the tools we’ve been given, whether they be diet management or pills, but you have just as large of a responsibility for looking after your own health as well, which isn’t always equivalent to demanding the latest and greatest new drug. I have no idea if what I just wrote made any sense whatsoever.

Now if you will excuse me, I will carefully lower myself from off the high horse that I am currently sitting on (I call him Chubbs), and proceed. There, all done.

P.S. I love it how so many of you have qualified the beginning of your comments/emails with an “I’m not Jewish” statement – don’t worry, I forgive you.

During the course of your Medical training you learn to detach yourself from your patients yes? If that's so....how do you then switch that off when you leave the Hospital? I've often wondered about Gynecologists... do they go home to their wives and girlfriends and think ewww...?

You bring up a very interesting point regarding detachment from patients. Much of our time in the first two years of medical school is spent in classes that strongly urge and pressure us to be sensitive, take our time with patients, and truly get involved in their lives. After all, these ideals represent what just about everyone would want in a doctor, and they seem reasonable enough. Except then one day, during your general surgery rotation at a county hospital, you find yourself dropped into a service with only three residents, and this team is expected to round on 37 patients in one hour. Doing the math, that amounts to 1.62 minutes per patient. What point am I trying to make here? I firmly believe that all doctors-to-be go into medical school with a big heart and that “I want to help people” mentality, but then reality shoves her acne-riddled, bloated face in their way and they slowly shift from spending as much time as they can knowing their patients to making sure they have acquired the maximum amount of information in the smallest amount of time that will appease their superiors. Why? Because there are 60 patients in the waiting room demanding to be seen right now, and one of them may or may not be packing a rifle. Of course, every patient thinks he or she is the most important patient there, and who is anyone to say they are wrong…I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have yet to see a doctor not busting his or her ass day in and day out, but given the medical establishment as it currently stands, it is really difficult to make it through the day without detaching yourself from the patients and still having enough left over to come home and be at least moderately functional. Regarding gynecologists specifically, I am not entirely sure, but I do recall an episode of Friends that dealt with that issue head on (and no, I wasn’t the guy playing the ambiguously gay, sarcastic character on the show, damn it.)

Let me quote you: "I shit you not". Why does every physician say that phrase?

Demonstrated by my previous post (and now and then in the past as well), as one progresses through medical training, ones threshold for what really makes the eyes jump out, the mouth gape open, and the insides curl up in a fit of terror keeps getting higher and higher. And yet, just when you think you’ve seen, touched, or smelled the most awful thing you will ever see, touch, or smell, some new poor bastard waddles his or her way into the ER to prove you wrong. When this happens, and it keeps happening to me on a weekly basis, we find ourselves searching for the phrase that best encapsulates this newfound appreciation for the freakiness inherent in human beings…and it just so happens that “I shit you not” best encompasses these feelings. I mean, it’s not just that it happened, I am not even shitting you that it happened! That made no sense. If you have any better suggestions, feel free to submit them for general usage (perhaps “I pee you not!”, “I shit you sometimes!”, or perhaps a more simply stated “Inconceivable!” to commemorate the late, great Andre The Giant is in order. (I can’t believe I just worked in an Andre The Giant reference. Somewhere, up in freakshow heaven, he’s surely smiling and eating a peanut. If you get that last obscure movie line reference, you are my hero.)

Why do you have to advertise to find a girlfriend?...I'm just curious as to where it says in your religion that pork isn't to be eaten. Are pigs (of ALL animals), supposed to be holy or something?
-J., Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

I advertise partially as a joke, partially because my friends insist on it as no other forms of meeting girls has worked, partially because I don’t have much free time to go out and meet girls anyways (and lets face it, even if I had time, I’m pretty bad at this), and partially because yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am that pathetic. Oh, and partially because one day Natalie Portman is going to come across this site and, well, you know…
Regarding your second question, I regret that my six years of Jewish elementary day school education only left me with a working knowledge of how to say “I need to go to the bathroom” in Hebrew, along with some other bits of wacky Jewish knowledge (like did you know that Ron Jeremy is Jewish, thereby contradicting the generally accepted notion that Jewish men have small penises but compensate by being voraciously good at love-making? That’s two Ron Jeremy references in one post, just in case you’re counting.), so I found this link that might help enlighten you on the intricacies of what it means to be kosher (which, in case you are curious, I am as well). And speaking of food…

What type of meal does one feel like tucking into after scraping cells out of a vag?

Personally, I’ve always preferred a simple bean and cheese burrito from Baja Fresh - black beans, extra crispy, with excessive pico de gallo placed inside and a mound of pico de gallo and the green sauce poured on top. I’m drooling just thinking about it. So either that…or…I don’t know…maybe a…fish taco! Sorry, the previous sentence had to happen or else I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.

You're starting to resemble George on Grey's Anatomy. Are you sure you're not pulling a "single white female" thing on these hapless unsuspecting female residents? If not, let me say that I am duly impressed by any man that can, not only get in touch with his feminine side, but go public with it. Hoorah for you. Can you tell me...how many dates do you get with such newfound estrogen flowing through your veins?

Are shows like Greys Anatomy realistic?
-Alex R2000

After being pointed to a well-written rant on the serious reasons why Grey’s Anatomy is subpar, I felt it was time for me to contribute to this general ranting by providing my less than serious take on this show, which I admit to watching as I type this but also cannot stand. Here’s a few reasons why:
1) In one episode, the show opens up with our hero, Dr. Grey, jogging with her co-resident in broad daylight, all prior to showing up at the hospital. Maybe Seattle has its own special climate and light control system that the rest of the world is not privy too, because that is the only explanation I can come up with for how any surgical resident on the face of the Earth has time to get in a run in broad daylight before work. There is simply no way in hell this happens. Ever. If she’s not pre-rounding on her patients by 5 AM, then she’s going to get her ass kicked out of that program faster than you can say Doogie Howser. As someone who had to experience this morning routine for six weeks, only a fraction of what a true surgical resident has to endure, I was still fuming at the sight of this televised blasphemy, if only because my non-medschool friends start giving me crap about why I don’t have any free time because “the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy seem to have all the time in the world!”. Pricks.
2) I can almost guarantee that any medical student, intern, resident, or attending in America has been posed with a statement like this one: “Set me up with one of you co-workers…I mean all the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy are so hot!” Let’s think about this for a moment. On average, who becomes a doctor? Smart people who did well in good colleges. On average, who were these smart people who got into these good colleges? Smart people who did well in high school. On average, who were these smart people in high school? The ugly people who didn’t get laid! So post-puberty miracles aside, we are, on average, not even close to being as hot as the doctors on that show are. At least ‘er’ had a balding pasty white guy on the show for a while. I mean, c’mon.
3) The show is littered with medical inaccuracies that even the dumbest third year medical student can pick up (that’s my cue). It’s all over the place, from OR etiquette to patient management, so many things are depicted on the show would never occur in real life. Of course, that’s why it’s a fake TV show, and I really shouldn’t be judging this show in this way since I’m guilty of enjoying the first two seasons of The OC, knowing full well that OC reality isn’t nearly as hot as is displayed on TV. Still, at least you could stop having the attending surgeon wear that flower cap on his head…no real surgeon I’ve ever met would be caught dead in one of those things.
4) George is the most unbelievable character on television. Why? Because there is no way a pussy like that would ever, EVER, get accepted to a real surgical residency program acting the way he does. You’d have to experience the surgical culture in its entirety to truly understand this concept, but it’s a wonder one of the chiefs on that show hasn’t ripped his head open yet. Of course, the fact that I am apparently starting to resemble him is really boosting that much-needed self-esteem.
5) That's zero dates and counting!
Wow, I feel so much better now.

This is why I no longer get pelvic exams--and I'm only 39…The crap we women have to put up with to stay healthy…Try to remember that the "hole" belongs to a woman, a person. Maybe you should have a rectal exam every year by some butt-ugly doctor with big hands making idiotic remarks without thinking. Think of your mother, maybe that will help. Good grief.

I have two points to make regarding this comment:

I am currently learning how to be a doctor at a teaching hospital, which takes many forms (private, county, academic, etc.) and is where all medical students and residents learn. In this setting, we are here to practice the craft of medicine in a controlled and safe environment while attending physicians and trained residents, who all have years of experience, look over our shoulders and make sure we do things the right way and learn from our mistakes – you may have missed the part in the post you were referring to where my attending pointed out to me the utterly moronic sentence I had uttered, and I promise I’ll never say something like that again. I respect any person’s decision to choose to avoid teaching hospitals and avoid having to put up with morons like me fumbling on our words while taking a history or doing any part of the physical exam, as that is your right. However, I would not use my (and my predecessors) idiocy and knack for sticking my foot in my mouth at the most inopportune times as an excuse to stop getting pelvic exams or any other regular health checkup, as that is only putting you at risk for all sorts of otherwise wholly preventable diseases (like cervical cancer). I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with what must have been plenty of awful experiences with the pelvic exam in the past, but I would encourage you to have your yearly exam for your own health. On the flip side, speaking for medical students everywhere, I really do appreciate patients who have no problem letting us learn with and from you, as that is really the only way this system of training future physicians will ever work. I think I just found myself on my high horse again. Really sorry about that, everyone.

Secondly, so let me get this straight: your suggestion for not making a fool out of myself in the future while doing the pelvic exam is, while I’m poking around in some woman’s vagina, to think of my mother? You’re kidding, right?

You gotta explain the clothes. White coats and green cotton pants have always been a mystery to me.
-The Jamoker

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret: For some reason, unbeknownst to even the wisest sage or queerest eye (Yes, I’ve watched that show. Yes, I’m straight.), women love the scrubs-white coat combination. I have no idea why, but who am I to suggest that this color combination is more fitting for the cover of Green Eggs and Ham than for a medical outfit? If someone has a better explanation for this (and I’m sure someone does), please feel free to share.

Yup, I know exactly how you feel. I gained a perverse respect for anal anatomy, and enjoyed trying out my knowledge on my female roomate (nursing student). When I showed up with the anoscope, she was pretty game to try it. I remember every single time I scope someone in the clinic today. BTW I have a pic of her with the scope but I don't know how to load it onto your blog, just for your own education of course.

I love my new readers.

P.S. I actually got a set of nude photos! Unbelievable. Seriously, I love all of you.
P.P.S. I am about to start my actual OB and Gyn in-service parts of the OB/Gyn rotation (versus the outpatient clinic weeks), and my free time is about to diminish rapidly. I’ll try my best to share the latest gross and/or personally embarrassing stories that I have been involved with as regularly as possible, but I admit that this will become more difficult in the short-term and I apologize in advance.
P.P.P.S. Longest. Post. Ever.
P.P.P.P.S. Have you ever seen a P.P.P.P.S. before?!? Kind of like that whole *** thing. I have no idea why I find this crap so fascinating.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Are you still reading this? Unbelievable.


Blogger audrey said...

Reading through your blog reminded me of the horrors of Nursing school... I think it is hysterical and horrifying at the same time. An excellent reading combination for the healthcare provider.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Litahnee said...

Thank you my dear, and the fish comment is what I would expect. One must add a seafood related joke when taking about women's nether regions. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
Has anyone ever asked you the question
'Do you hav any thoughts that don't emanate from below the waist?'
But I may be saying too much about myself......

11:27 PM  
Blogger Erin Grey said...

i just read the previous post, and now you have this! i came across your blog last week and kept coming back for past posts and hopefully a new one, of course. i like your posts so much, i added a link to your blog from mine (my blog is not as entertaining and informative as yours. but you inspire me to do better). keep it up! PS. i am now scared of childbirth..

11:41 PM  
Blogger Watergirl said...

It wasn't Andre the Giant who said "inconceivable", it was Wallace Shawn, who played the dwarf, er, shorter fellow. The so-called genius of the three, although I must say Andre's part was philosophically more genius.

12:22 AM  
Blogger elizabby said...

It was Vizzini who said "inconceivable!" numerous times. Also, "no more rhymes now, I mean it!" and I don't care that it doesn't really rhyme with "peanut" - so am I your hero now?

Also, as a real doctor but only recently, I remember the "joys" of medical school very well, and your blog is hilarious and true. I hope you have time to keep it up during O&G - even more gross, amazing and tear-jerking moments await you, and us...

1:15 AM  
Blogger Piggy Love said...

Your blog just makes me so sad that I gave up my dream of medical research.

1:25 AM  
Blogger GP said...

Hay there. I am a medic student too and yes ... mania at times, or was it bipolar??? Anyway, I found yr blog a true reflection of med student. Keep up dude!

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn dude, you talk too much.

3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But here’s the catch: if instead of writing out a prescription for some drugs we only told you to get off your ass, exercise, and eat right, you (the royal “you”) will more often than not do some combination of a) try that plan for 2 weeks and quit, b) ignore us completely and show up three years later about to die, and c) get mad at us for not giving you some medications, where you just have to pop a few pills a day to control your blood pressure, cholesterol, etc., so that you walk out the door and complain to your friends that your doctor didn't do anything for you (of course, then there’s all of you who are given the drugs, have the means to pay for them, and still don’t take your meds, showing up at an ER years later clutching your heart in agony and demanding to know how you got to this point).

If I loved you for nothing else, I would love you for this paragraph alone. Thank you so much. If there are two words I am deathly tired of hearing, those words are "medication noncompliance."

The people who thinks drugs are overprescribed in this country have no idea how many people (1) NEED them who (2) aren't taking them. Usually because they listened to some dipshit "friend" who recommended some worthless homeopathic or herbal remedy that doesn't exactly substitute for a clonidine patch.

Tired. Very, very tired of people who won't follow doctor's orders (she said, pausing to take a drag from her cigarette).

I am so glad you have finally have a fraction of the recognition you deserve. But I'm even more gladder you finally have some nude pictures. Rock on, Fake Doctor!

3:39 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Love it, love it, love it. Really glad it was so long, if it's going to be awhile until we hear from you again. And it was allll good. wtg

3:49 AM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

~ anybody wanna p-nut? ~ ;-D Hey
False Medical Man ~ just want you to know, I love your blogs! It takes me back to nursing days, when we would sit around swapping stories about the patients ( hey, we never named names!) you gotta love the diversity of humankind ~ As for your " I shit you not" I am STILL laughing!!!! I can't TELL you how many times I have heard that one!!! It always preceded a MAJOR ~first liar doesn't stand a chance~ whopper, and it was usually the closing line as well ~ eg: Oh Man, I shit you not, this really happened today in ER ~ ........ I shit you not, man, I so shit you not!" As to the whole ~fish Taco ~ hehehehehehe ( you might wanna grab a bite ;-d ) ~ do you ever find that you just HAVE to use humour, cuz it's better to laugh then cry or faint?? Man, some of the predicaments people get themselves INTO, you gotta ask yourself ~ DUDE, your leg is oozing green shit, & there's a 5 inch HOLE in it, and you just NOW thought you MIGHT wanna see the doc??~ and one last thought ( hey man, you put out a doozy of a post, expect to get a doozy of a comment) AMEN to individual healthcare ownership!!! It never ceases to amaze me how folks can blame crap on EVERY STINKIN THING around them, EXCEPT for their own SELF! Responsibility is a tough word, it can hurt like hell , BUT, it does have it's rewards! If people had to pay their dr bills outta their own pockets EVERY SINGLE TIME they went in, ( as opposed to co-pay, and insurance claims) they might find more healthful ways of living, & less expensive means of getting there. How hard is it to include a little cardio in the day ~ but I digress ~ good blogs dr dude ~ I do believe I am gonna link you into my blog ~

4:04 AM  
Blogger Steven said...

Respect to the Doctor on the high-horse - you deserve to be up there seeing as you're trying to help (at time, unthankful) people sort out their problems.

Indeed, if everyone took the advice of healthy eating and exercise, then there wouldn't be a need for doctors, and sadly you wouldn't be writing this blog. So... umm... respect to the ill-people too... I suppose.

5:18 AM  
Blogger milkberry said...

you = love. seriously.

5:27 AM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Mmmmm...fish tacos...

6:41 AM  
Blogger beertapgirl said...

I enjoy this blog for no other reason than my own selfish laughable needs. I'm entirely amazed that you continue to be fresh and funny without going too "over the top". If for no other reason, keep this blog going just for me and all those incredibly wonderful people out there who find humor in the most odd and disgusting places....our bodies. He He....I love it!!! If you can't laugh at the fish taco joke, there is definitely something wrong with you.

As for the date issue...

Hmmm...thinking of a good response. I don't have one. If I did, I would probably be able to figure out my own dating black hole. Yes, that's right...I said hole. Do you love it that you have so many legions of fans out there emulating you so much? I would!!! Keep it up doc. Can't wait for the next post.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

your posts make my day...i laughed so hard, i spit my cereal on the puter....I gave birth three times (without an epidural, btw) and I loved hearing about it from your perspective...keep up the great writing...i love it

7:39 AM  
Blogger beajerry said...

Nice, and long, post!

7:39 AM  
Blogger David said...

Oh, cool! an up and coming doctor. I haven't read all your "back issues" yet, but I was wondering if you're the type whos into drugs (medication) or into alternative medicine (natural dietary or food supplements)

Heck, fake doctors (the title) kinda implies the kind of skepticism that all these new herbalists from the east have been getting attached to their reputation.

But hey, don't diss the herbalists. Some of these asian witch doctors do actually have something to their ancient remedies which western science is only beginning to understand and accept.

(davidracho at gmail dot com, davidracho dot blogspot dot com)

8:11 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

Since when is Princess Bride an obsure movie to be referenced by an obscure movie reference??? But yes. We all miss Andre so much.

8:23 AM  
Blogger beertapgirl said...

Who ever knew the fake doc likes lighthearted romantic movies...hmmm this needs some investigation. Princess Bride is one of my faves. I love it that it was referenced.

8:38 AM  
Blogger GB, RN said...

You rock!!! I just love it when I get the medically noncompliant patients...and then they get all pissy like it is my fault they are sick.

...Or what about the 600+lb patients with every possible related medical problem...and then have the audacity to want to have pizza delivered to their room from Pizza Hut....

...The guy who comes in once a month with DKA because he won't take his meds, but sneaking out to the vending room and comging back with a horde of Dr. Pepper...

...Or the post-partum woman the cops busted for smoking crack in the parking garage...

...or this patient that left AMA so she could go turn a trick and score some drugs...only to return the next day crying about the same medical problem she was initially there to be treated for...

I must be a bad nurse, I don't feel pity for any of these people.

Have you come to a point where you just shake your head and think, "This is NOT why I wanted to be a doctor??"

9:03 AM  
Blogger The Jamoker said...

Drat. I was hoping you could answer the question. Oh well, at least I know what to wear when I go clubbing. Keep up the good work.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

I am Jewish (sorry, it seemed somehow a requirement to say that).

That being said, I have three things to say:
1)I don't know exactly what the new fascination with herbals is. I'm not going to say I don't find them intriguing (in a purely research-oriented, what could these do for modern medicine? sort of way). But the fact is, they're not really any different than medications. They're certainly no safer (and frequently they are less safe) or more effective (in fact, many drugs including digoxin and aspiring are simply more pure derivatives of the active ingredients in an herbal remedy). So, please, when you advocate about the need for modern medicine to be more holistic (and I completely agree), don't mistake herbs for better or more natural medicine. And that was my serious rant for the morning.
2)You're officially my hero for quoting princess bride. Even if you got it a little bit wrong. "I do not think that word means what you think it means..."
3)Ok, I love George. For sort of the same reason I love JD of scrubs. Because I never learn...sorry...because strong-willed but oversensitive young Jewish women are programmed to be attracted to sweet, dorky, slightly neurotic young Jewish men. It seems contrary to good sense but, hey, tradition's tradition.

9:45 AM  
Blogger mpenseli said...

I should try the fish tacos! I have a question for your next Ask The Fake Doctor - how do we nominate you for the Blog of the Year Award?

9:59 AM  
Blogger Lolita said...

Only ONE question for you:
how long did it take you to write this post????

10:19 AM  
Blogger If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

i love u. i wish i was jewish.

i like how you can intersperse humor wit actual fact. u can get onto ur high horse, without knocking any one down.

problem getting dates? i find that soo hard to believe.

10:51 AM  
Blogger ArleneWKW said...

I seriously doubt that in high school you were one of "the ugly people," though I don't have an opinion about the getting laid part.
I also have difficulty imagining that you're pathetically awkward, though you might be shy. I'd be sending you an e-mail wanting to "connect" were it not for the facts that #1 my hubby would object and #2 I doubt that your go for 59+ year old chicks. On the other hand, my daughter, Rachael, well . . .

Anyway, I'm loving your site.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Ilene said...

Good luck with the in-house stuff! To the woman skipping check-ups -- try inquiring about your doctor's life and how it's going. I've gotten some stories as good as the fake doc's blog -- they are people, you know. People faced with your vagina. Give them a break!

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good heavens, what kind of a new reader would send you nude photos? or a link to a gallery containing such? And what was his name?

2:41 PM  
Blogger helen erpud said...

it's nice to see fellow med students are experiencing the same sorts of intense, fowl smelling yet invigorating adventures all across the country. great blog!

2:50 PM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

just couldn't resist putting in another two cents ~ You may have created a fascinating new ~Date-Finder-Methodology~ ;-P ~ But hey, Doc's are all about efficency these days, may as well kill several birds with one stone, eh? I, for one, am taking notes on your brilliance doc! ~Blog, get out your need to write, relieve your need for positive social human contact feedback, self-therapute (hehe) after dealing with tons of daily traumatic drama, AND manage an online dating repetoire ? AS WELL AS establishing oneself as a terrific STAND-UP comdian!! Impressive, I tell yah, this new breed of fake docs are something ELSE! ;-D What will the come up with next?? ;-D ( The only trouble is ~ you now have an AUDIENCE , hehe, which requires ATTTENTION, oh woe is you ~ REGULAR attention! you have , in effect, created your own online clientele! Muchos impresivos, mi amigo, mucho, mucho ~ Would LOVE a doc with your sense of humour!)

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

someone beat me to the princess bride correction, rats. i just want to say one thing in response to someone else's comment: "If people had to pay their dr bills outta their own pockets EVERY SINGLE TIME they went in, ( as opposed to co-pay, and insurance claims) they might find more healthful ways of living, & less expensive means of getting there." ok, i totally hear you on the fact that people need to take care of themselves. but i don't think that having the average person cover his or her own healthcare costs out of pocket is the answer AT ALL. even when i had insurance, if i had to go to the emergency room with a broken arm or something i wouldn't have been able to afford the copay and deductibles. now that i don't have insurance, i'm effed. i've witnessed way too many (mostly uninsured) people let their conditions go because they are afraid they can't afford treatment. the result is people with really serious conditions seeking treatment for a case that would have been a lot simpler and easier to treat if it had been addressed sooner. this goes for children, too. i don't mean to attack you, redhead, i just thought i'd seize the opportunity to engage in my own rant about the deplorable healthcare situation in the states-- with regards to costs. now, if we all ate our veggies and took nice relaxing walks on a daily basis, the world would undoubtedly be a better place, but somehow i think having low or middle income people hold even greater responsibility for their healthcare costs would be seriously detrimental. OPINIONS??

3:40 PM  
Blogger Chackler said...

If I weren't happily married...
If I were jewish...
Even if I weren't jewish...

ahhh, one can dream!

Fake Doctor, every your posts make me laugh and at the same time, think about things that I never would ponder, rectal exams, mucus plugs, analprobes. Thank you for broadening my horizons.

3:51 PM  
Blogger mandy said...

I swear to god you are so damned funny. I love reading your blog because I can always count on it to make me laugh til my stomach hurts! Keep it comin'

4:01 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I hope you DON'T find a girlfriend...you won't have time to post anymore! I really can't imagine how you find the time to keep up with this blog as it is. Thanks for the laughs! btw, thanks a lot for lumping 30yr olds in the same group with 80yr olds in one of your posts (about women out of your age range)!

4:27 PM  
Blogger Couz said...

Apparently med school in the states is no different from med school in Canada.

I just wasted far too much time reading your archives, and I'm still laughing my ass off. Unfortunately, med school is not far enough behind me to NOT be feeling a little PTSD-ish right now, but whatever.

I'm linking your blog to mine. It doesn't get any better in residency, sorry to say.

5:09 PM  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

anonymous ~ darn ~ wish you had left a link, you seem intelligent ~ I guess my main isssue is people who go running to the doc for every little thing ~ from a cold to a scrape, & that takes up the time of the doc, so that other more emergent care issues have to wait as well. Also, the doc then ends up prescribing those lovely antibiotics to a whole host of issues that probably could have done without, and in fact cause more problems than it solves. All because the patient wants ATTENTION, and a CURE, INSTANTLY. If the doc was not ~wheedled~ ( co-erced, begged, demanded, etc) into providing INSTANT REMDEDIES, the current state of anti-biotic issues would not be where it is at today. Now , I agree with you on the whole that there are some major medical emergencies that can & do occur despite our best efforts at maintaining health, however, think of this ~ if people would put away ( into a flex fund, cafeteria plan, even just a separate savings account) the amount they would pay for health insurance every month, and be an ACTIVE partner in their own health care, I truly believe that that amount of money would be enough to take care of any medical needs OUTSIDE of major medical emergencies. (Approx. $2000 - $3000 per yr., probably less on a per-person basis, more along the lines of $600 per yr for an adult. The $2000 amount is for my family of 7.) People should SHOP their health care ~ the name of the game is consumerism. Take Lasik surgery ~ it's an elective surgery, so it isn't covered, so people will SHOP their doc to find the best deal. People KNOW what that is gonna cost, but you get the ~covered copay~ going, and they almost ALWAYS can't even tell you what the total was, all they know is that their part was covered. Often, they don't even SEE the BILL. So, Who really pays for insurance?? The real question should be ~ Who pays the Doc's bills? Insurance is a collective pot, usually heavily subsidized by employers. So, that means the EMPLOYERS are the ones paying the doc's bills. When its all invisible ( as in, you choose the doc, and let them bill whatever they ask, without being informed, or concerned) that's like your employer giving you carte-blanche, a credit card with no limit, a checkbook with no oversight. Is it any wonder that the system gets abused? It gets abused by employees who are ignorant of what their costs are, and health care providers who take advantage of insurance pools. Historically health care was a service oriented profession. Our habits and our ways of thinking about docs in general are driven by decades of this kind of thinking. HOWEVER, health care today, is a BUSINESS. And businesses are about maximizing profits. Today we have a business climate for health care that lacks consumerism, and more importanntly, often lacks competition. Again, is there any wonder that the system is being abused? People don't want to have to think about what their health care costs, or about their own actions or lack of actions in their own self care. Ther eis no question about IF insurance will continue to be provided by employers, the only question is WHEN it will no longer be available. Some say yr 2010, others project 2012. People MUST be in charge of their own health care!!

5:26 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I never read blog posts this long, but unlike most bloggers you can actually write and you're very funny.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Kevin Jordan said...

Alas, fifteen minutes later I emerge from this long blog entry the ever more humble. Not really, just tired off my ass.

Question! Ya! Of all the Medical related TV shows out there (like Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs, ER, etc.) which one is more like the 'real thing'? And by the way can you follow what they're saying in ER? Too many Latin words and abbreviations. =|

Oh and, I'm in 10th grade, I have my mind... No, heart, set on the medical field. This is when I'm going to ask you to conjure up a cynical remark contradicting my crazed dreams. Actually your blog is very interesting, some of these stories... Jesus, maybe I'm just a sick freak?

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i absolutly love your blog...im currently working throgh my nursing clinicals and although a future MD and a future RN arent exactly the same... i see my experiences reflected so much in your writting!!! i simply love it and will continue to read it!!! good luck!!

6:50 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

Thank you for writing your blog. Hilarious at times, but also very informative. I put a link on my site to yours - hope you don't mind.

Thanks again.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Fiona said...


7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I absolutely adore you. I love reading this blog. I don't want to say it's because your life makes my life seem less embarrassing, but I'll just say that at the end of a long day in which I have managed to look like a fool in 20 different ways to 40 different people, the only thing that makes me feel better than drinking a glass (cough bottle) of wine at night is reading your latest post. Thank you so much. And are you seriously only looking to date sexy Jewish females? Because I may live on the opposite coast as you, and I may not be Jewish, but I am a sexy female, and I'm willing to travel, .... and did I mention that you crack me the fuck up? Seriously, thanks for the blog, I can't wait to read your new posts.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Tidy Bowl said...

In defense of med students everywhere...

Five years ago I was in a pretty serious car accident which required a long hospitalization. I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury to the non-medical folk) and because of that, was taken to our local teaching hospital. I was in a coma for 11 days, which I am kind of thankful for. See, I was pretty young (17 at the time), female, modest, single... virgin... you get the idea. And there were several people, from the doctors and surgeons to the med students to the nurses poking and prodding me and generally looking in places that would have made me blush. (if I was conscious, of course)

However, despite any embarrasment I may have suffered, I am eternally grateful to the doctors, nurses, med students, therapists, and other staff members of this teaching hospital. I got the best care at this hospital that science had to offer. I can stand a few more spectators if it's gonna get me better care. I truly believe that I am alive because of the superior care I received.

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting point about the prescriptions. I have high 'bad' cholesterol (genetic). And I pretty much have to fend my doctor off with a *stick,* because he wants to put me on cholesterol meds (he keeps bleating, "But Zetia isn't a statin!"). This despite the fact that I'm only 25 and very fit. But I'm just gonna eat my oatmeal, keep hitting the gym, and see what happens. And also get a different doctor...I really don't like his throw-pills-at-the-patient philosophy. So, next time you see some annoying patient who wants pills instead of exercise, think of those of us who would rather try *everything* else first. :)

8:46 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Reading your blog makes me laugh like you wouldn't believe. More importantly, perhaps, it is touching, realistic and inspiring.
As a recent college graduate currently applying to medical school-- it reminds me of things all people should know-- medical students and doctors (even fake ones) are human... needing a little bit of life and humor to get them through it. Who could imagine life without humor? Especially in the medical field--we would all be on suicide watch by tomorrow.
Thank you for your thoughtful perception. Keep writing!
p.s. The OC is the best show on TV ever!

9:12 PM  
Blogger Danaë said...

Excellent post, sir. I've been reading up recently on the drug companies and their practices, and while it's generally accepted that yes, they're huge conglomerations and they may need to be reined in, it's our own damned fault they got to be that way. Let me stop here before I just yammer on and on and on. I'm going to have to think of a question so I'll have a legitimate excuse to "accidentally" send you my topless photos... er...

Again, great job. You freaking rock. I'm sorry you're not able to snag you a nice Jewish girl, but you can tell your friends and your mom that you're a pretty damn big hit with us gentiles.

10:25 PM  
Blogger Admin said...

wait...didn't andre say 'inconceivable' at least once in the movie? i know the other guy (of 'clueless') fame said it too...but i have this audio clip in my head of andre saying it.
would you believe im on call right now?
the fake doc

10:32 PM  
Blogger Danaë said...

Who was in The Princess Bride as well as Clueless?

>confused frown<

Unless... you mean Cary Elwes, who starred in The Crush with Alicia Silverstone, who of course played "Cher" in Clueless. Shit, now I'm gonna have to go home and watch my copy of TPB. (Like that's such a chore.)

Well, actually, I would believe it. Bless your poor, sleep-deprived heart.

PS - I agree that the scrubs-and-a-white-coat combo looks ridiculous. Almost as silly-looking: scrub top, khakis, and the white coat.

I think they rob you people of your fashion sense when they hand you your diplomas.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Watergirl said...

Nope, Andre's character never said Inconceivable, but he did say the peanut line. I still like Inigo's line after he stuck it to the Man with 6 Fingers "I want my father back you sob."
Looks like there are enough PB groupies here on your blog to start a revolution (Fake Doctor for Prez hehehe).

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Huhuhuhuhuhu! U know what, if thing's don't work out at med school, you could always publish your blog.

Keep up the goodwork ;)

1:38 AM  
Blogger sadielady said...

Pretty sure Andre never says "inconceivable!" in TPB. Random: have you ever seen any "Andre the Giant has a
Posse" stickers? Black and white drawing, usually find them stuck to street signs, although I did see one covering a man's penis on a sign for a strip club in new orleans one time. Anyway, I went to high school w/ these guys who used to stick them everywhere (older brother of one of them came up w/ the sticker), especially on my car bumper (3 times) and the front door of my parents' house (once) - - - I think this was their way of flirting!! (I was the new girl in high school the year they did this, harrassed me w/ andre the giant has a posse stickers) Ever since high school, I've seen these stickers EVERYwhere. Just wondered if you've seen any out in California.
P.S. 6 am on the east coast and i'm off to work ... one day i'll start my own blog on the life of a semi-fake lawyer.

3:08 AM  
Blogger constance said...

love it fake doctor!!!!!
you say you have no time for meeting girls, going for cliched morning runs etc.... maybe you spend all your time writing this blog! Damn! but so glad you did!

5:47 AM  
Blogger Jax said...

Just started blogging...
More like an personal attempt to document the thoughts in my head.

Read your blog... nice, interesting.
One question.
How the f***k do you manage to find the time to write?

Finished my internship last year... still have very little time.

However u do it... keep writing.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Orlando C. Harn said...

If you have any better suggestions, feel free to submit them for general usage (perhaps “I pee you not!”, “I shit you sometimes!”, or perhaps a more simply stated “Inconceivable!”

I would recommend "crappin' you negative".

9:40 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

I sure hope your real fake job doesn't take you away from us for too long. This is the first blog I check for updates each day. Is there a 12 step program for this addiction? LOL

9:48 AM  
Blogger naudy said...

if all of these comments are any indication, you might be on your way to finding that date.... (ps. keep blogging. it's great!)

10:12 AM  
Blogger Holmes said...

No more rhymes, I mean it!

10:45 AM  
Blogger Emilian said...

Truly excellent blog, you're an inspiration to all of those writing on the net.
Should you have any time left, which I doubt: I recently posted an experience (not funny at all) that we had with urgent medical health care in the heart of Africa.
Anyway, keep up the good work, and mazzel tov!

11:47 AM  
Blogger Brandon Anthony said...

Ah... now it's confirmed. I made the right choice by taking the non-medical route. If I'm mired in numbers, at least I'm not mired in some sort of human malfunction. Great to read about though. keep it up.

11:49 AM  
Blogger gabriel élansson said...

you're utterly, amazingly, and fortunately crazy
goooooooooooooooood blogger you are

3:53 PM  
Blogger Fading redhead said...

Nice of you to quote my query about your improved writing and grammar. Kudos to your mother. My parents claimed to be agnostic semi-Unitarians, yet instilled the same neuroses. Thank you for revealing their true background.


4:01 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm not Jewish.

But I'd SO convert if that's your only requirement.

4:07 PM  
Blogger joyfish said...

I did give birth and at that point I realized how uncontrollable nature is. Thanks for reminding me how utterly gross (but wonderful) the whole experience was.

5:49 PM  
Blogger apes said...

I appreciate Andre the Giant props anyway I can get them; however, to attribute "inconceivable" to him is historically inaccurate. I do believe that it was the irate but lovable Vizzini that oft used, and as such popularized the term. Good blog, though.

9:13 PM  
Blogger apes said...

gah! shoulda read the other comments first. retract. RETRACT!

9:50 PM  
Blogger mark said...

That was the longest post I never read.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Danaë said...

>>I would recommend "crappin' you negative".

Oh hell yes.

2:08 AM  
Blogger Samsung said...

You have a probably meeting girls? This is a sad, sad state of affairs. I have a hard time meeting men (relatively close to my age) who have a good sense of humor and who think about things. At least you process information and come to your own conclusions and take your art (of medicine) seriously, all the while able to make fun of it.

Not to mention, you're an entertaining writer.

Good, good, good.


5:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

OK since everyone else seems to have reacted to your Princess Bride allusion, let me react to your friends one.

FRANZBLAU: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

RACHEL: I'm a waitress.

FRANZBLAU: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, if I see one more cup of coffee...

So Fake Doctor, is that how you feel about, er, coffee?

8:06 AM  
Blogger Carina said...

First of all, you seriously need to check out the Placebo Journal because you and Dr. Doug, the King of Medicine, need to talk book deals.

Secondly, my husband never said, "I shit you not," until med school. So that's where it comes from . . . That explains a lot. ;)

Thirdly, we watch House because he says everything my hubby wishes he could say (new attending, low on the totem pole still), and we watch Grey's Anatomy in hopes that George will switch to medicine at some point (where he'd fit in much, much better).

Oh, my biggest beef with Grey's Anatomy? They're all not nearly tired enough, and we never see Meredith on call. What the heck is up with that?

9:14 AM  
Blogger SAHM said...

First time reader....etc. I'm actually an RN, mother of 3, just had #3 2 months ago....VBAx2C. I identify with your horror "terror tearing" story...have you ever witnessed a delivery through the perineum? Lovely. I have a friend in her 4rth year of med school at NYU. She's got some great ER stories. Just wait. It gets better. Humor is a great way to cope with the human condition.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Holy Mother Eph said...

I've always tried to clean up a little before OB/gyn exams...spritz a little perfume down there and such. I'm just trying to ease a little of the nastiness of the affair. Most assuredly there are some women who come in who could use a professional cleaning. Why don't OB/gyns operate a little more like dentists? They could have a vinegar rinser and suction. It's not too far-fetched because some of the tools already on-hand remind me of dental paraphernalia(clamps, special chairs, swabs, etc.) Also, you could offer spa-like services in the office like Brazilian waxes. Now that's complete vaginal care.

I'm going to have to back-read your archives.

11:46 AM  
Blogger honeynutsherios said...

man ur blog is addictive!

12:29 PM  
Blogger kml said...

I can't believe you made the fish taco comment, but like you said you just wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

5:56 PM  
Blogger Emsy said...

This blog makes me laugh so much. I've even added you to my links. Everyone should read it.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

Question - How long does it take for side whiplash pain to go away? There are days its gone and others (especially when the weather changes) that it kills like hell. PT, Massotherapy, nothing seems to help it and it drives me insane!!!!!!!

Second - Costocondritis - WHY oh WHY won't it go away. It scares the shit out of me.

Thank you!

BTW - love your blog!

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly I didn't read much on your page but you sure do have a lot of comments. Is Med school really that bad?

8:19 AM  
Blogger tami said...

Once again, I must say... I love reading your entries.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Lamplighter said...

I have to say, you have quite an interesting method of articulating your insightful thoughts on medschool. I will definitely be back for more!

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I wasn't just refering to American doctors in that question. English doctors also just throw drugs around. I was thinking of my own experience when I had problems with one of my piercings. The doctor prescribed something that I tried, right to the end of the course I might add, but it did nothing at all. Also, they said if it didn't get better I might have to remove it, which according to other sources is bad to do if there's a possiblilty that your piercing has an infection because it may cause an abscess. So, I did a little resesarch of my own and found that I should just dunk my piercing in warm saline solution, with possibly some tea tree oil mixed in. I did this and got instant relief, I carried on with it, and my piercing is loads better.

12:13 PM  
Blogger PJ said...

This was the first post I have read (a friend of mine recommended your blog for viewing) and I have to say I've enjoyed it. Just 2 comments:
1) If you are curious the thing about Pork is in Leviticus and it is because pork are considered unclean because of what they eat--which is basically garbage. (I am an almost Pastor in the Lutheran church--hence the knowledge of obscure levitical codes).
2) Andre the Giant didn't say inconcievable--it was Wallace Shawn who played the character of Vessini--Andre rhymed "anybody want a peanut?" so I am sure that yes, he is enjoying a peanut in heaven. *I adore that movie.
Anyway, can't wait to read about your other adventures (or misadventures)--oh, the white coat and scrubs thing is sexy--maybe because it portrays the whole "saving lives/protector" thing that women like. Whatever it is--that combination is definately sexy. ;)

12:38 PM  
Blogger Azuric said...

Hey Fake doc
nice blog you have here, im just about to take that suicidal leap to med school in the UK. Im surprised at the lack of med student blogs, glad i found yours.
Azuric, of ObscureAzure

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude...that last blog entry was waaaay too long! Get a life! Step away from the computer! ;)

4:52 PM  
Blogger Regina said...

You are something special Fake Doc. It almost seems a waste to have your hands in some patients orifice instead of keeping us amused with your white lab coat prose.

I often wonder how my life (career) would have turned out if my parents had been jewish. Any idea what your mom would charge for career counseling?

And, lastly... If I link to yours, will you link to mine?

6:19 PM  
Blogger golliwog said...

nice reading... at times gross but nice!
just wondering, doesnt the description about the delivery... kind of violate a person right to privacy? i know you din't mention any names, but still isnt it like having a laugh at someone else's rather painful expense? you'd probably make a good doctor, but i am not sure i'd like to be your patient!
having said all that- do write away... i love your style!

11:18 PM  
Blogger DoctorEarly said...

Promise you'll never leave us?

-Your Fake Fan

1:26 AM  
Blogger Kaleidoscope said...


*Coming to you from Kuwait*

5:36 AM  
Blogger Stray Angel said...

i first read ur blog when it was less popular..it's so different now. but u do deserve it. it's jst tht..don't u think ths post ws too long? and to think i actually read it 0_O

lol. tc.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I have a question. How can the Cleveland Browns win another game this season?

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that not only doctorr use the "I shit you not!" comment, but it seems like the medical community at large. I picked this phrase up while i was volunteering as an observer on an ALS squad. In other words the one who had to fetch things and generally "observe", much like an intern. However, also being the smallest on the crew (i can definately vouch afor the fact that EMS personell in general are scarily obese!) i was also the one to get stuck in the back of any car or tight space when we were attempting an extrication. That in fact was the first time i ever heard the expression "I shit you not!" After the paramedic ended his little discussion with meon the fact that i was on the bottom of the food chain, and thus in the car only scant inches away from the air sawa, and certain death, my response was "You're shittin' me?!" His... "I shit you not!"

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulation! IT is very interesting blog.

See you soon........

A lot of hugs since ARgentina. (pininaneg@hotmail.com)

4:02 PM  
Blogger Nik Gregory said...

Hey, good call on the whole WHY do all doctors think that drugs should be the first solution to everything? with the (2) answer, which having lived with the constant stories from a nurse (my mother) and my Health & Social care course I've come to agree with that sentiment.

I remember reading that an average of 4 apples a day would be equal to a dose of Statin at reducing cholesterol. Will people eat 4 apples a day instead of chocolates for a snack, not a chance, but will they complain constantly about high blood pressure, definitely.

I'm aiming for a psychology ('not a real doctor') PhD and what I'm concerned about is that when I'm practicing people are going to be asking for prescriptions to anti-depressants etc. which in the long run don't solve the problem they just make it worse. The prospect of writing a prescription saying "why don't you stop wallowing over your life and do something with it?" appeal highly, but the chances are it'd be better suited for me, and everyone else in medicine, to help the people willing to change and let the people who won't change face the fate they've already chosen and just do whatever you can (medication). Hopefully the degree will help me pick out the people who can/will change so I can help them.

4:39 PM  
Blogger MiCheleLynnX said...

I was wondering why people start their posts with "I am not Jewish but...."...???...I don't get it either...so to put my "dim" 2 cents in, scrubs are not always "the Greens", I have worked in greens, blues, Teals, Navy Blues (currently) and maroons (don't know if I spelled that right) anyway, there's a million combo's out there but people please, match 'em, don't wear a blue scrub top with green pants. Regardless of what you think, it is just tacky...K? um...k....Ciao

8:29 PM  
Blogger Not this time said...

Dear Fake Doctor,

I think I love you.

Tell me: really, how do nurses rate? When I'm through with nursing school and working in the field will I just feel like I'm second fiddle? Will I be looked upon like a second-class citizen? Will I enviously watch a central line being put in thinking, "I could totally do this..."?

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is great! Haven't laughed so hard for quite some time. Ah...the joys of medical school. What fun that was...thanks for bringing back some memories.

9:19 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I don't know how you find the time to blog but I'm glad you do.

2:06 AM  
Blogger EmailHosting.com said...

That was an incredibly long blog. Loved it though...brings back memories.

6:41 AM  
Blogger "Jet" said...

HOLY LONG BLOG!!! I was able to read through it... How do you study for medical school and still have time to post such a long post?! I barely have time as it is to post anything longer than a paragraph!! ;o) To each his own... Sounds like you have an interesting fan base and are enjoying med school...

Would you mind if I linked you?

11:36 AM  
Blogger runrMD08 said...

Well, while reading your description of chronic disease management techniques, which is mostly drugs, because patient compliance is nil, I noticed that you forgot obesity as a chronic disease. Let me say first off, before I rant that I am also a medical student. Second year.

Obesity is such an interesting and insidious disease. It can cause just about any problem in the body, save CA. Renal problems, obesity. Heart problems, obesity. "Your joints hurt?" Obesity. Ignoring the people that actually have a diagnosable metabolic problem, the rest of the population has been coddled to think that some people are just big boned. Now, before I get too off the point, which I will do on my own blog. I would like to pose a question to you... What kind of society creates a surgery to deal with people's lack of self control and need to feel pretty and skinny? Gastric Bypass. (by the way, I hope you didn't talk about this on your blog. Like most people in medicine I skimmed your blog.)

Gastric bypass, the only operation, save botox injections, that was designed for people with a lack of self control. I would like to hear your thoughts.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

As a nurse with a nephrology practice I can only say AMEN to your "rant" on prescription medications! Thanks for saying in your blog what many of us have longed to say in daily practice!!

1:14 PM  
Blogger [*Make It Happen*] said...

Although it has been almost 2 months since Hurricane Katrina hit, and a month since Hurricane Rita, people are still in desperate need of help. The media has stopped covering the disaster as much, but people need to be aware that there are still people dying everyday, people who don’t have the food, water, medications, or shelter that they need to survive.

We’ve pretty much started an organization to get these people what they need, although we don’t have an official name, we’re doing what we can, but there is only so much you can do with no financial aid, no real outside support. At this precise moment we are not asking for donations, not asking for volunteers. We ask that you stay tuned to my journal, while we finish preparations on a small video trailer, showing the things that have already been done, a teaser for a video that will come out later, and will shock you to no end. And it isn’t over yet. We are more than prepared to be there for those who will be affected by Hurricane Wilma, and hopefully any other natural disaster that will come our way.

We’re not asking anyone to jump to help us without an explanation, and that will come with time. If things go as planned, we will have a link for the trailer tomorrow, and if anybody is interested in helping in any way, shape, or form, please e-mail Morgan at TinkerDumplin@aol.com or leave a comment at http://memat.blogspot.com and as things progress, we will let you know what you can do to help, which most likely will never even involve leaving your home.

If you are not interested, I am terribly sorry for taking up your time. Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Absolutely enlightening! I completely enjoyed this entire post... heck, this entire blog!

Although I'm not in the medical field, I can definately get what you're saying! I appreciate your blog, and making 'the rest of the world' aware of the torture you choose to endure. ;)

I've had several people suggest the medical profession to me since becoming the primary caregiver to my boyfriend (C-5 quad), and have replied to them that I wouldn't dare take that on.

I love the insight, and the confirmation of my lack of desire to step into your shoes.

Keep it up. I will continue to be a faithful reader.

1:39 AM  
Blogger eb. said...

I watch "Grey's Anatomy" every Sunday along with watching those shows on TLC about various health related issues. Some part of me thinks that if I brush up on the medical terms and play doctor of my own likings, the next time I see someone with a title to their name, I can "wow" them with my medical knowledge.

10:46 PM  
Blogger no one said...

Alright, time to tear into this. I can hold myself back no longer.

I'm a sports doctor. And I'm not Jewish, I'm Buddhist. And there's more of us than there is of you. Now that that's out of the way...

...I've considered going on to become an MD, until I realized how much it would cost and just how many idiots I'd be dealing with. I already deal with 53 thousand morons where I work now because this side of the medical and healthcare industry is unregulated. Granted you probably have an easier time, since your word is law, you are the doctor, and YOU are RIGHT. I'm constantly argued with cuz Ronnie Coleman said something different in the latest issue of Muscle and Fitness.

My idea is to remove all laws for 3 days and just let the idiots all cancel each other out. But I digress...

You are, however, 100% right about the pill thing. There are some people (such as those currently living on Earth) who steadfastly refuse to exert themselves in maner whatsoever. Those who do usually have no @#$^*! clue what they're doing, but cover that up with a massive show of intellect expressed by a bulldog stance while insisting the first thing they tried is right, and backing that up with the indisputable evidence put forth by "Arnold's Corner" in last weeks magazine.

And while I work in a store filled full of complex chemicals compounds no less dangerous than the latest perscription medications, it never fails that someone will come in and buy a protein powder based on which one has a picture of a guy with the biggest muscles on it.

I'm not normally this cynical, I'm just in a bad mood. You see, I just finished reading this post on someone's blog that was wayyyyyyy too long and regarding controversial topics closely related to what I do. So my first thought was to leave him a rediculously long comment in return - not just for revenge, but also to stand out from all the other comments, then cleverly slip in my blog, which would be http://skits-o-frenic.blogger.com and ask him to come and read it. But ah, nevermind. Probably wouldn't work anyway.

So Mr Med Student, if you ever need any real advice from a current doctor, who's certainly not seething with pint up bitter rage and utter disgust and contempt for low lifes around him who couldn't tell the Gabba aminobutyric acids and hGH to save their less than worthless lives...

just stop on by! Always happy to help. :D And have a nice day!

5:26 PM  
Blogger Blah said...

Well, I usually don't make it a habit to comment on strangers' blogs or much less read strangers' blogs, but when I see reference to two of the things I take interest to-- medicine and fashion-- I must chime in.
Regarding the girls' love for them scrubs-- it's the same as with anyone else loving scrubs. The comfort. I personally prefer scrub pants and one of my own t-shirts. The scrub tops the hospitals have around here all somehow never fail to almost perfectly but not entirely fit you badly, regardless of the size. But much like guys, we chickas enjoy the ability to not have to worry about wrinkliness or the godawfulness of our clothing, but possibly more so because there is more social expectation for a girl to look neat and groomed. And besides, once you're wearing your scrubs, your whitecoat (which isn't really so much a coat as much as a collection of pockets stuffed with all the crap you will need, might need, or once needed in the past two weeks), and sneakers, no one really is going expect perfectly styled hair and make-up. It takes the edge off.
My medical-fashion beef is with the clogs. The Danscoes, or whatever they are. They are just so godawfully hideous. There is just no justification for wearing them, and yet every day I see my friends one by one fall to the temptation of their "comfort." It's sad really.
Oh yes, and since everyone's been mentioning it, I'm Jewish. And female. But I am a medical creature, and thus inherently undesirable.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Runner in Training said...

You have so many comments, I actually feel kindof guilty posting this. Your inbox must be wicked-full. I just wanted to offer a thought on the "Doc Wear" discussion. It was always my understanding that scrubs are colored green (or blue... I've seen some a dark red) to dull the color of any blood that might get on them, and lab coats are white so that they are easily cleaned with bleach since they are not worn during surgery.

And I do think they are cute.

8:44 AM  
Blogger Twinklelittlestarfish said...

Andre the Giant and The Princess Bride FTW!!

Working in pharmacy I a VERY small taste of what you go thru, when it comes to patients who dont take their pills, patients who take pills for the fun of it, those who expect pharmacists to be doctors (sure love, hope up on the counter, spread em, and I'll see what causing that funny discharge).

Not a fan of grey's anatomy, but I nearly wet myself watching ER. Nasty sarcastic docs are what I live for.

Will definately keep reading!

3:55 PM  
Blogger lalaland said...

To be honest, I didn't read the entire entry since it was so long. I did read the question about prescriptions, and I must commend you on your very straightforward answer.

Good luck in med school.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The green surgery scrub is to relieve eye strain from seeing so much red...green is opposite red on the color wheel...that's my story and I'm sticking to it -

9:36 AM  
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Cool guestbook, interesting information... Keep it UP

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8:36 AM  
Anonymous Buy Tamiflu said...

I wonder how many people visit your blog every day

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Chris said...

Hi "Fake Doctor" :P

What are your thoughts on lasik surgery? I was looking at going to World Class Lasik in New York,NY. What should I ask them when I call for info??

Thanks a bunch.

11:50 PM  
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It can't work in reality, that's exactly what I think.
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