ndab Ah Yes, Medical School: Something Missing

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Something Missing

A funny thing happened while my dad and I were moving my stuff out of my apartment this weekend. We loaded up a truck that, unlike a fine wine, has aged like Mick Jagger’s right testicle, to the brim with all sorts of big things that I own: a desk, a dresser, boxes and boxes (and boxes) of porn, and my virginal mattress and box spring. Since the mattress and box spring were the last things we took out of the apartment, they ended up on the top of my pile in the truck. We turned on the engine with a fiery switch of the ignition (at this point I would like to thank the fine craftsmanship of the Ford automobile company…circa 1954) and were off on a treacherous 10 minute drive to my grandmother’s apartment, where we would ceremoniously dump all this stuff in one of her unused rooms. We arrived at the apartment, hopped out of the truck, and opened up the backside. It was at this point that my dad made a funny look with his face that had nothing to do with the Pollo Bowl (without pollo, of course, because we’re such good Jews and we doubt the fine folks at El Pollo Loco carry Kosher chicken products) we had a few hours earlier. Naturally in my completely oblivious state, I started tugging at the mattress to pull out it of the truck and get the misery of moving over with. This led to the following exchange:

“Uhh…[Fake Doctor]?”
“Umm…I think we’re missing something.”
“Ehh…where’s the box spring?”
(In unison) “Shit.”

An airborne box spring sailing somewhere on one of the major streets we had just driven past has made me a little introspective over the last 24 hours. I couldn’t help but feel that, during these last few months, I too had been missing something. I couldn’t shake the notion that there was something I was supposed to be doing, someone I was supposed to be talking to about something moderately important that had happened in my life, someone who was exceedingly thoughtful and genuine with concern for my future. What could it possibly be? Fortunately, I have you, the reader, to keep me in line in situations like this. For as I searched for this missing aspect of my life, I received an email with the subject heading “Fuckface”, by S.C., that went as follows:

“Did you match you fuckin’ cock sucker?”

Of course! After all this soul-searching, I knew that what was missing was…passion. Passion for the career-path that I am following. Passion for the study of medicine. Passion for a life that thousands of people work so hard to attain each year, a life that I have been trying to minimize during these last four years. In all seriousness, if I had the opportunity to look at myself as I was four years ago, I would have a hard time recognizing the idealism, hope, and excitement that I had within me throughout college and the start of medical school. At some point during the last four years, something started seeping out of me, slowly at first, but then quickly and ferociously, and it makes me sad that I have such a hard time reigniting that fire again. So it is with a mixture of excitement, trepidation, and somber realism (something I clearly lacked before embarking on my medical school career) that I have matched at my first choice institution. More importantly, I am hopeful that that missing element, akin to the joy that people who love their jobs and their lives display for everyone to see, will begin to reveal itself once again.

Wait, what was that? I have to work 80 hours a week? Christ. Well, on the bright side, my dad and I found the box spring resting comfortably on the side of a quiet street, far away from oncoming traffic, and in surprisingly good condition. Something is missing, no more.

Huh? Oh you want to know where I matched? Seems like there's always something missing, no matter how hard I try...


Blogger Gregory House, PA-C said...


I won't bother asking you where you matched. I never expected you to tell.

Don't leave us for that long ever again. You almost got removed from my blogroll. How tragic would that have been? Losing all zero of your hits from me.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOOT! Way to go. Glad to hear you got your first match. Stop being a lazy SOB and update more often.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Melissa C Morris said...

Bully for you smarty pants! ....let the (real) fake doctoring begin.

2:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

which specialty?

3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You definitely shouldn't post where you matched -- privacy is good -- but we'd all like to know which specialty!

Glad you're back. I was thinking maybe you'd run off with Michelle Au (from theunderweardrawer blog) who has also gone missing the last couple of months. But I guess she isn't Jewish.

6:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FINALLY I can stumble away from the weeks and weeks of sitting in front of the PC, rocking back and forth with bloodshot eyes ...

10:59 AM  
Blogger Nathan said...

Good for you. I can completely identify with the lack of passion, though, and I'd say something about "misery loving company" but I don't think I have the emotional energy to love anything. Here we go, the future of medicine, eh?

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOU have to tell me where you matched...misery loves company but in my case I don't expect the company cause I matched to general surgery (ya ya, it was my first choice, i'm a sadist). Here's to a lifetime unravelling the mysteries of the anus!!

PS...please please continue this blog into residency..we all know internal medicine residents don't work THAT hard ;)

1:43 PM  
Blogger S. said...


There were already rumors going around about your premature death or kidnapping, which surely were the reasons why you were not giving us any updates.

Congrats on matching at your first choice! I look forward to upcoming stories about a resident's miserable life in the hospital.

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, just fess up. You matched derm, yes?

4:47 PM  
Blogger A. said...

oh my god, you're not dead!!!

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on matching! I have been reading your blog from the very beginning, I think its great and I can relate to a lot of things you are writing about. I am a first year medical student and your blog has been an inspiration for me! I hope you will continue writing as a resident

Best wishes in your residency

6:42 PM  
Blogger t said...

Good luck!!!
Your post led me to think you were quitting, then out came the big news. Just to let you know the trick worked.

6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I'm happy for you, just seriously concerned about this "lack of passion" stuff. It may be a sign of (gasp!)maturity that you have seen the realities of a medical life and still want to pursue it (which I hope is the case) or, it may be the beginning of the long, slow spiral into despair.
If it is the latter, I hate to break it to you, but internship/ residency is the very process possibly specially designed to suck out all the passion you may have for medicine.
I hope I'm wrong and you're in a good program and it will be better than you imagined it to be. Just buck up, laddie, it's gonna be a bumpy trip. And I wish you well and will keep us posted on your future adventures, whatever they may be.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Doc's Girl said...

So glad to hear the news of matching...! Residency may be busy but don't neglect the boxes of porn, yo. :-P They need you just as much as you need them. :-D

9:21 PM  
Blogger JeanMac said...

Gee, glad to have you blogging again! Hate to admit, I was worried, silly old lady that I am! Every move has a story -

10:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What specialty did you match to damnit?

11:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahah... keep track of how many people ask where/what you matched.. human nature is so sadly predictable.

So I've been reading your stuff before you went infamous.. back when it was just your mommy ;)

Anyway, Congratualtions. If you're a terrible doctor, at least your patients can expect to be entertained.

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh yay! you're back! i've been lurking and digging through all your back entries... you have to keep posting to keep this naive (but, paradoxically, already disillusioned) first-year entertained and looking forward to (dreading?) all that is to come. Congrats on matching at your first choice. The Match is such a man-made emotional spectacle...

6:17 PM  
Blogger Febrifuge said...

Nice work, assface.

(What? It seems like everybody is piling on, and I wanted to get in my hits.)

Speaking as someone who deals with residents all day, I know you have the attitude and the 'real live person' qualities to make a good doc. Try not to be a choad, and you'll do just fine.

Clearly, the name of the blog will need to change... may I suggest "Ah Yes, Residency?"

I wonder if you'll have to/want to change your handle, too? Or are you still a Fake Doctor until you finish residency...?

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You came back...
i missed you...
Don't ever do that again.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what kind of medicine are you going to practice? I could care less where you are going... I'm just wondering if a cocksucker like you is going to be my next OB/GYN (heaven forbid).

9:35 PM  
Blogger Med said...

good to hav u back.. keep posting..

12:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The rumors of your death had been greatly exaggerated.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL, that was a good one. Really funn.... no. Just no.

Look, there's how many residency programs for each specialty in the ENTIRE US? Who gives a freak WHERE you matched, come on, what kind of doc are you going to be already?

You're going to have to tell us sooner or later, unless you're going to close up shop, roll up your carpet, and leave the ranks of the medi-bloggers.

Oh, and in spite of your extraordinary efforts on the behalf of us poor, delusional wannabes... I to, am working towards going to med school. I'll be over 40 by the time I get in. Thanks to a rare disease, and an absolutely incredible researcher who has inspired me to stick my head in the guill... oh, wait.

I think I get the insanity award. Hand it over, it's mine. Mine I say.

Heck, I've spent the last 12 years of motherhood pretending I don't want to be a doctor. I failed. I do. I guess any passion that can stand up to that kind of test (or is it a desire to spend a little less time at home, who knows?) deserves to be fulfilled.

Yeah, I don't buy it either. :)

Anonymous and Ancient

2:27 PM  
Blogger Tiny Shrink said...

Congrats on the match! I'm pretty sure, for all those who are asking "what specialty?", that TFD said a while back "internal medicine", so the real question is "where", and that's precisely the question we won't get answered. I guess you really don't want hot, naked Jewish female stalkers, then, huh? Too bad...

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait until the fear starts. Don't worry, it will be soon...and if you're not scared, then you should be.

6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I love reading your blogs. Glad your back. :-)

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lurker de-lurks to say in a sudden gush of emotion:



12:19 AM  
Blogger Deanna said...

Glad you are back. I stumbled across this place, many moons ago. I wondered if the doctoring world had swallowed you up, but instead I returned to find that you had done a little growing up. I think that we write in a similar fashion, hence the interest in returning.

9:36 AM  
Blogger One Student Doctor said...

It's great to have you back! Congrats on the top choice match!

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


seriously, I want to know!!! you can share that with us, can't you?

3:19 PM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

Well, Hell.

I guess I'll have to shotgun-scatter the tubes of chili lube (for The Man) to multiple locations.

4:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps Tiny Surgeon, but if so, then the NSWTHAIGTDWML-O-Meter needs updating (or removing). Post haste. :)

Anonymous and Ancient

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah!!!!! You have made your triumphant return...and matched sucessfully!!

N o w What specialty...!!!! (I have to be like eveyone else, eh?) We could guess, I guess...How about either...surgery, psychiatry or internal medicine? (like how I put a couple of real opposites in there...?)

Take good care and don't be gone so l o n g next time, tracy bakestuff@hotmail.com

ps Loved the box spring story!

7:11 AM  
Blogger UnsinkableMB said...

CONGRATS! maybe i'll see you in surgery... :) cheers!

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guy, he matched into IM... he said this in a previous post around the time match lists were due to be handed in.

3:23 PM  
Blogger LucidSplash said...

As the anon says, he posted about this in "Spiraling out of Control" from October:

"Well, there’s one thing left*. The one thing so generic, so bland, that just about anyone could pick it, shrug one’s shoulders, and just continue on this same shame spiral for at least a few more years before actually committing to anything: Internal Medicine. Ta da! Why choose a specialty now when you can put it off another 3 years? At least that’s what I figured as I clicked Internal Medicine on my application (That, and something along the lines of "Please let someone offer me big bucks to write my memoirs"... Desperatelosersayswhat? What?)"

3:36 PM  
Blogger sarah said...

wb :)

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking from personal experience, Fake Doctor has amply displayed the angst, obsession, and self-loathing that only IM people possess. If he didn't match to IM, he knows he is denying his true self. Come to the dark side, Luke!

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, wtf did you match into? let me guess... psych. haha.

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God I love that email. Fuckface has got to be the most inspired subject heading I've ever seen. Plus you can really feel the love and concern coming out in that one line question.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Nicely Present..........keeep on draging Fake doctor..


Dr. Doniv

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